The Road Home

Over the last two years, I have accrued a lot of friends who have sent out a boyfriend on a mission.  Mainly because I went looking for those girls who were in the same crappy situation I was in two years ago so that we could maybe talk about this process and help each other through it.  Let me remind you that in no way, shape, or form do I want anyone else to go through what I have gone through the last two years in sending my boyfriend off and away to serve a mission.  Was it the best thing he and I have ever done?  Yes.  Was it the worst thing he and I have ever done?  YES.

I don't think I have fully given credit to the entire situation that has happened to me and the boy I called my missionary.  We had the best relationship a couple could ask for before he left.  We knew we would be together without a doubt, hence the decision I made to "wait" for him.  I had no idea really how hard that was really going to be.  Two years is a lifetime when you are counting every minute of it down.  

Obviously, if you have read more of my blog, you know that my "waiting" for my missionary was much less than ideal.  I decided less than halfway through that I was going to date other people, and while I do not regret that decision one bit, it did make everything difficult.  It was all fine and dandy until I met a boy who changed my world completely, and sadly enough, made me forget the plans and promises that particular missionary and I had together.  Yes, I was honest with the missionary about everything going on, and he knew full well coming home that things were not the same because I also had someone else in my life now.  And as much as I would love to say things are all figured out now with that, they most definitely aren't.  They are still as complicated as ever.  Many days I have a minor meltdown about the whole situation and have no idea how to get myself out of this huge hole.  BUT.  It will all be alright.  It will get figured out.  It may take time, and lots of effort, but a solution will come around.  

I did however, want to express my feelings about this whole two year process I have gone through recently.  My advice to girls who are just entering this really difficult thing always used to be, don't do it.  But at the same time, I understand what it is like to be in love and feel like you will give anything and everything for that person, even if it means to be apart for two years.  If you are getting into this spot I was in, or are just starting out, here is my quick two cents from someone having been through the entire process.  Prepare yourself for hurt, first of all.  A little harsh, I know.  But it's not easy, and you have to accept that from day one.  There will be many days you will feel like this is the worst decision you guys ever made.  But it's not.  Second, date other people.  It is so, SO needed while the person you love is away the way they are when serving a mission.  Not only do you really find out what you want in your future, but it gets your mind off of how crappy your circumstances are at the time.  Don't be afraid to have fun!  It really is okay, regardless of what anyone else says.  However, one thing I would add, don't let yourself get serious with anyone while that missionary is still out serving.  It is very difficult not to convince yourself that he will never come home.  But the truth is, he will come home, and it will be sooner than you think.  Date, yes.  But hold off being serious because that can change everything and if the person you meet while your missionary is gone really does want to be with you, they will wait until you are ready for things to progress.  Lastly, enjoy the time!  Enjoy writing letters and sending packages.  Enjoy the fact that you get a fresh start with a guy you fell madly in love with.  Enjoy growing together, and learning together, and just experiencing the whole mission together.  JD's mission felt like just as much my mission as it did his.  Yes, our experiences were different, but we both went through the whole two years, and we both went through an entire process together. 

My missionary has been home a month now.  It has been the biggest roller coaster now than the entire time apart we had.  We've had the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows.  I wake up and still don't believe myself that he is here.  I imagined this, dreamed of this for two years and now he is here.  I believe my fairy tale ending will come eventually.  Maybe it won't be with my missionary, maybe it will.  That I do not know.  But I do know that when sending a boyfriend on a mission, if you want it to work badly enough, it will.  If you stick it out long enough and decide now that you are going to be together, you will.  Things are different when they come home, but they are even more the same.  That's confusing I know, but only those that have been through this will fully understand what that means.  I'm so happy JD is home.  I'm so happy he is here, and I can call him or text him or see him whenever I feel like it.  It was such a difficult two years in so many ways.  And while I can't fully say I waited the two years because I have a fork in the road I still figuring out which path to take, I can say what I did wait for was worth it.  Whether that was to go through this rough patch and end up with JD all along, or if I grew and learned and end up with someone else, it was worth the whole run. 

 This is the beginning of my fairy tale!  I mean, in all the fairy tales, no one realizes how difficult each of the princesses had it first right?  Cinderella had a family that treated her terribly.  Belle got kidnapped and held hostage.  Mulan joined the army to fight.  Sleeping Beauty was in a pretty massive coma.  Snow White had an evil lady plotting to kill her constantly.  Jasmine had her dad signing her life away to an evil man who wanted to control her.  Ariel sold her voice to the evil and betrayed her father.  Should I keep going?  But all of these princesses found their prince.  All of these princesses endured their trials and pushed through long enough to be happy in the end.  I will too! And considering the difficult time I'm put through now, I'd say that's a fair indication that I'm almost to the happy ending part too.  :)

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Attitude

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone tries to be a tattle tail (sp?).  But even worse, when that tattle tail is in a professional work setting.  I mean, come on! I am dealing with drama, as you can tell.  Sometimes, most of the time, I feel like my life is one big soap opera.  Work has been the main event for me lately.  I wish I could go on and on and just let everything I have been feeling about work out right now, but you never know who is going to read this and I don't want to get in trouble with the wrong person for what I say.  So I'll just leave it at, holy drama.  

Next, my dating is life more complicated than it can possibly get.  I am dating an amazing, wonderful, GREAT guy that I am absolutely crazy and in love with.  Think that should be the end of the story right there, right?  Wrong.  My missionary comes home in one month and twenty days.  My relationship with him before he left was as strong and perfect as a relationship can get.  So yes, while I know how strongly I feel about the guy I am dating right now, it is very difficult to allow myself to forget completely about my missionary when there was that huge connection that really never ended.  Sending a missionary off isn't like breaking up because you don't have that confirmation that things will not be the same anymore.  When you send a missionary off, you are basically saying, I love you, I want to be with you, but I know I can't so I'll see you in two years and we'll see where we both are at in life and how we feel.  Personally, that is such an unfair place to leave a relationship at.  How is someone supposed to completely move on and love again when there is that dot, dot, dot to the last relationship they were in?  You don't ever want to move on and then always wonder what would have happened.  Dating while my missionary has been gone has been the best decision I have made.  Yes, it has made everything a million times more complicated.  Yes, it has caused a lot of stress and extreme worry in my family, and all other families involved.  And yes, sometimes I wonder what the heck I have gotten myself into because I don't know where to go from here.  BUT.  I have enjoyed myself and learned.  I have made mistakes and learned from them and because of them, I am stronger in myself, my testimony, and have gained more confidence in myself and what I want for my future.  I know there is pain ahead in dealing with and figuring out a solution to the choices I have ahead of me, but I can't worry about it because it will work out in the right time and there is no need to fear what I have ahead of me.  I read a quote the other day and I wrote it down and hung it in my bathroom so that I can see it every day I get ready.  I really like the quote because it reminds me that no matter what goes on around me, or what happens in my life, it is up to me to decide how I want to handle it and how I want to feel regardless.  Here it is:

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.  Attitude to me is more important that facts.  It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do.  It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.  It will make or break an athletic team, company, organization, church, or a home.  The remarkable thing is that we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  We cannot change the regrets of the past nor do we need to fear the events of the future.  Regret and fear are twin thieves who would rob us of the thing we have control over, that is our attitude.  We need to learn to go into the arena every day with a winning attitude and enjoy the challenges it brings.  I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.  And so it is with you ....... we are in charge of our attitudes."  -Charles Swindoll

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Koda and Life

Well basically it's been a lifetime and a half since I have updated this blog once again.  I go through phases of whether or not I want to keep writing on it, but I love reading other people's blogs so I figure I better keep mine up so I can keep reading other's also.  Life is constantly changing in drastic ways for me.  It's hard to believe that the life I am living right now is actually my life.  Where did all my stability go? Everything is in constant motion.  Well I guess I will start at the top. 

I got into nursing school at Broadview University.  It is an accelerated private program and it has been great so far.  It's a lot of work, a lot of homework to be exact, but so far so good.  I should be finished in about December of 2012, and I cannot wait for that day! To be an RN and to make some good money instead of being a boring, old CNA would be great!

Next, my missionary.  He is always a topic of my conversation, a headline in my mind.  Waiting for a missionary is tortureous, terrible work.  I DO NOT EVER recommend it for anyone.  Just don't do it.  As for me, it is a constant up and down rollercoaster.  I love that guy in Kentucky, I know I do. But it's so difficult to know exactly how you feel when you haven't seen, let alone really talked to someone in 18 months.  SO difficult.  It is such a scary process and there is never peace of mind.  Especially when I am home seeing so many friends that I have known had missionaries they were waiting for, whose missionary came home and it was so different and didn't work out, or the missionary wrote her off!  I can't tell you how many times I've seen it happen here. Now, I know J.D. would never write me off.  I know that.  But it's scary to think about how it will be when he gets home.  Willl things be the same between us?  Or will it feel totally awkward?  I was actually able to talk to J.D. for the first time on Mother's Day this year.  Not only that, but I was able to Skype with him!  I got to see his face and talk with him at the same time.  Against the rules?  Who knows.  Maybe, maybe not.  I don't freaking care.  It had been so, so long and it was well past time for it.  Talking with him was great, and it actually did feel very normal.  So that gives me confidence that things will be just the same when he gets home.  But it's still something you never stop worrying about.

Now.  Complication #1.  Dating.  Yes, I have been dating since J.D. has been gone.  Yes, there have been some amazing guys in my life, no one that I have actually seen much reason to worry about as far as J.D. and I though.  Until now.  I met this guy who is absolutely amazing in every way.  I spend a lot of time with him and I have grown so close with him that he really is a big part of my life.  The scariest part of it all, is that I could see myself being with him forever, and I would be extremely happy! He knows how to treat a woman, he has been through a lot in his life, he is very driven and ambitious, and he has become one of my very best friends.  I have not kept J.D. in the dark about this guy, yes he knows.  Yes, he hates it but he is also understanding at the same time.  Dating is a process that needed to happen while J.D. was gone.  Things will all work out the way they are supposed to.  I know that I am putting myself in a situation that will end in hurt, no matter the outcome.  Either J.D. will hurt, or this guy will hurt badly.  And in either case I will hurt badly.  Not to mention the hurt that it puts on families in all parties.  But, I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and if that is true then God will not let me get into a situation that I or anyone else cannot handle.  Pain is a part of the experience of finding the person you are going to be with forever, and it is a necessary and crucial part.  I have learned from every painful experience I have been put through.  And I am not alone in figuring out where I am supposed to be in this decision making process.  As scary as it all can be, God is on my side and will help me through it.

Now, on a happier note.  I have a new addition to my family.  Her name is Koda, and she is a beautiful all white Siberian Husky that has one baby blue eye and one brown eye that has a line of blue in it.  She is about 3 months old now, and she is the love of my life! My goodness, puppies can absolutely suck sometimes, Koda sure knows how to get into everything, and destroy it all! But once I got a cage for her to be in when I'm not home, it has improved greatly.  She has a lot of energy and takes away a lot of my own energy, but she is a lot of fun and I love her to death. 

Well, I think that's about all I'm going to say for now.  I will work on keeping this updated a little better for my own sake, who knows who reads this.  But it's always fun to look back upon and laugh about the good times in my life. :)

Koda on the first day I got her, 7 weeks old.

First day that Koda's ears stood up!

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Love Is a Battlefield

I think the title is enough explanation in itself.  Dating and falling in love is a such a scary process.  You can meet someone and be entirely entraced by them, and then the next thing you know things are completely different.  But I guess that's all in the name of love. I guess though, if we didin't have such lows when it comes to love, that you also wouldn't feel as much of a high as you do when you find it.  Love isn't meant to last forever with everyone, however I don't think that doesn't mean you didn't love them at some point. There is that person that you meet where that love with them is going to last forever, survive through every trial it is put through, and only grow stronger because of it.  But there are other loves that come in life just to teach you.  Teach you something about yourself, teach you something about life, maybe just to teach you something about love itself.  I personally have had a few different occasions in my where I have loved and gotten hurt, or hurt another. And of course it is hard, it can make you bitter and make you tell yourself that you are taking yourself out of the game of love completely.  However, when I think back on everything I have been through, I don't regret nor would I take back one single second of everything that has happened in my life.  Pain and happiness of love has made me who I am today.  Love is a learning experience, that you can only learn as you go.  Me personally, I'm still in love with the boy that I liked in 3rd grade.  Maybe he is the one for me whose love will stand the test of time.  But for now, it's not something I am going to worry about.  Love comes around in it's own time.  Whether that is tomorrow, or two years spent apart.. only God will know.  :)

Favorite song about Love at this moment in time..

Read the words and listen to their meaning.

I've capitalized my favorite parts of this song. I love it.

"Live Like We're Dying" by Kris Allen

Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up

We're hiding behind skin that's too tough

HOW COME WE DON'T SAY I LOVE YOU ENOUGH?

TILL IT'S TOO LATE, IT'S NOT TOO LATE

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come

And we could make a feast from these crumbs

And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun

So if your life flashed before you, what would you wish you would've done?

Yeah, we gotta start looking at the hand of the time we've been given

If this is all we got, then we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We've only got 86-400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them while we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

AND IF YOUR PLANE FELL OUT OF THE SKIES

WHO WOULD YOU CALL WITH YOUR LAST GOODBYES?

SHOULD BE SO CAREFUL WHO WE LEFT OUT OF OUR LIVES

AND WHEN WE LONG FOR ABSOLUTION, THERE WILL BE NO ONE ON THE LINE

You never know a good thing till it's gone

You never see a crash till it's head on

Why do we think we're right when we're dead wrong?

You never know a good thing till it's gone

Yeah, gotta start looking at the hands of the time we've been given

If this is all we got, then we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We've only got 86-400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them while we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying.

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I'm back!

Hm. Well it's been a long while since I've even glanced at this thing. I'm so back and forth on whether I want to take the time to do this blog or not. So don't be suprised if I take off for a while again, but I'll work on it. So, SO much has changed. I'm no longer living at home with my parents.. I live in a basement apartment with one other roommate. It's very different but in a good way. I'm being forced to learn to keep things clean and do the things that at home I hated doing the most, mostly because my roommate doesn't like doing them herself. Haha, it's okay, it's a good learning experience for me.

I am still writing my Elder Durrant of course. Things are different with that also, a lot more relaxed I guess than it was before. We have had our MAJOR ups and downs this whole run, but I believe it has helped me learn a lot about myself and has helped JD learn a lot also.  He has been gone for 14 months now, so he has 10 months left. He comes home on November 9, 2011. This year! Crazy. Time can fly, it is possible.I still love JD with all of my heart and that will never change. It's not easy having him gone, especially for so long.. I don't even remember what it is like being able to talk to him, what his voice really sounds like. But he is so happy out there on his mission and is doing what he know, and I know is the right thing for him right now and that is all I can ask for. I will see him soon enough.

As for another difference, I am dating now. Scary right? Ya. It can definately be scary. I have met some AMAZING people. People I can picture my life with in the future which is scary because I always imagined that I would just be with JD and no one else. I am trying.. trying to be careful of course. No matter what happens, I want to be here for JD when he comes home. That doesn't mean I don't think there are some really great other people out there that I could be happy with, there totally are. But I'm just going to take things one step at a time! No rush. No need. Love is a scary subject that I would prefer to go in super slow motion mode. That missionary will always be on my mind no matter what I do.

Well, this is me. It's been a while, my life has changed, and I have grown. I will try to post more here because this is a great outlet for my feelings, which are always a lot. There's always a lot on my mind. Love you all. :)

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New Post, New Life

I have been bugged by an amount of people because I haven't posted anything on here for a while. But I guess I just feel weird sometimes knowing people are reading about my life. Really though, I like posting on here for JD. And knowing someday he will read this, and get to see everything I went through while he was gone.

This week for me has brought many changes. I don't know if those changes are permanent or not, but because of such a big difference it feels like this week really was an entire year. I have a friend that I have known for a bit that I have hung out with constantly all week. And she introduced me to some people that we have hung out with.. all week. And when I say some people I mean mainly guys. I when I say guys, I mean mainly RM's. Returned Missionaries. The danger zone for waiters like me.

Well, these guys are lots of fun to hang out with. They really are. They aren't quite the RM's that would come to mind.. to me it doesn't seem like they just came home from missions. But they are still good guys. One guy in particular has shown his... interest for me. And I have shown him my interest for my missionary. So this really is an extremely long story condensed a lot, but he knows we are just friends and that's all.

Ever since JD left, the majority of my nights were spent at home with family. Which is great, don't get me wrong.. but at my age, also lonely in the friend department. Which makes me sound totally pathetic, but it's true. You spend all your time with a boyfriend, and he leaves, then your stuck with a lot of time for yourself. So this week has been a lot of fun for me because it has made me feel like I finally have stuff to look forward to. And I have had a blast with my girl friend I've been with constantly. But this week has also had another side to it for me. It feels like my life is moving forward.. or moving on. I met new people since JD left, that he doesn't know. New guys, new girls, new everything. A new part of my life. And it scares me a little to think that my life is going on without him. Which I know has to happen.. but I still don't like it. The worst part about the week (other than this is the first week of his entire mission that I didn't get a letter) is that when I think about him, he is hard to imagine. Meaning, I feel like I'm forgetting what it feels like to have him around. Not holding my hand or anything like that, but just around. Just in the room, just present. And it's the scariest feeling ever! I have so many reminders of him around me all the time, so many pictures. But when I look at them, I can't remember what that felt like to have him right next to me. It's like I don't remember if that really happened, if he really existed.

I hate that feeling, more than anything in the world. But still, I know I love him. And he loves me. But waiting for a missionary sucks like no one would ever believe. I wish we could just take the easy route. I wish I could fast forward the next year or so of my life. I wish this could all just be over now.

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Mother's Day and the BEST Letter So Far!

New Pictures of JD!!

JD burning a tie because he has been out for SIX MONTHS!!

Bittersweet. The best word I can use to describe waiting for a missionary is bittersweet. I say this because Mother's Day was the bitter side. I didn't get to talk to JD on the phone when he called. And I though I was doing okay with the whole idea since I got to email with him, but it was harder to deal with than I was expecting. His mom texted me after he had called because I wanted to take her some flowers and see what JD had said. And it was not easy to listen to. Oh, and of course.. this time when he called he had an UNLIMITED time limit! He called his mom four times that day or something like that. BAH! Good thing I love his family, and that even though I didn't get to talk to him, it was so exciting to see how happy talking to him it made his mother. :)


Okay. Now for the sweet! The super, wonderful, AMAZING SWEET!! JD is not a very mushy, lovey writer. And I know that. And I don't want him to always be lovey dovey when he writes, because I know that's not how he is.. but I do want to be reminded that he still feels the same way about me. Well, let me tell you. He showed me! This letter was..perfect. Let me give you a little sneak peak.

"I have the best girlfriend who constantly supports me! I love it! I LOVE YOU!! And I do miss YOU!!"

"My mom told me that she really loves you and you have grown on her! And I agree. I LOVE YOU and you ave grown onme a little... okay A LOT!"

"Something I want to do that will be just between us is take like 30 minutes once a week (once I'm home) and just talk about how we feel about each other. I know it will probably go longer but that is perfect! Communication will keep us strong! I LOVE YOU HEATHER! Seriously, the more I think about you, the more I love you! I would go out of this world not to lose you! I could not do it! I want you to think that everytime you feel love for me, I am feeling it too. I promise you that! I might not write all this emotion stuff down but I am feeling what you are! I LOVE YOU!!"

BAH!! This was all in one letter too!! Those MG's whose missionaries write like this every week, shush your faces. No sinking my boat.. for JD, this is amazing! Those of you that know JD personally, you know that this is really stepping outside of his emotional box. He can say it all in person easily, but he has never been much of a writer. But this letter he wrote, is basically the bestEST!! Aw, I love him so much! :) Can't wait until he is home!! Only a million years left now!

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Story Mode..

My Facebook status right now is, "I am on TOP of the WORLD!!! JD always knows how to make me feel better even when he is miles and miles away. I love that kid." And it is so, so true.

I have not been having the easiest time accepting the fact that I don't get to talk to JD on the phone anymore when he calls. And he knows that. I don't know how he feels about it and if it is as hard for him as it is for me, but he understands what I am feeling. It's just that letters or emails are not the same.. they are from him, but he's not really there. It's so different being able to talk and have him resond right then, even if it only is twice a year. So, here is my story.

Well, I am sitting in class just about ready to take a test, and my phone buzzes. It's an email from JD!! I usually get emails about that time, so I try to hurry and read it before the teacher passes out the tests. But this one's different.. it's really short and addressed to only me. My first thought is, uh oh. I read the email...wait, what? I have to read it again. And again. It says, hey if you get this right now reply back as soon as you can because I want to talk to you!! I miss you!! And I can talk to you for about an hour if you want to. I quickly reply, I'm here!! I love you!! Of course I want to talk!!

Then, the teacher says, put everything away and turn off all cell phones. Oh, crap. I totally forgot about my test. I want to cry because this is my one chance to talk to JD and it's being ruined by some stupid test I will probably do bad on anyways! I check quickly for an email from him, but nothing. So I put my phone away and simmer in anger at my teacher for ruining my one chance. He had an hour to talk to me, and my class was 50 minutes long. I hate my life.

I take my test, and the whole time I have to keep reminding myself to pay attention to what the questions on the test are asking me instead of whether or not JD said something, and if he will still be there when I'm done. Finally, I finish my test and practically run it up to the teacher, fling my stuff over my shoulder, and run out of the class. Once I'm outside the class I stop right where I am at and rip my phone out of my backpack.. there are two emails from JD. One saying, Good, I'm glad you want to talk! How are you? What are you doing? How is everything? I love you!! And another saying, Kiddo! Reply to me, I WANT to talk to YOU!!

I scramble to reply to his email (but of course because I am trying to hurry so fast, I mess up even more so it takes even longer) saying, I'm still here!! I'm sorry I had to take a test! Please tell me you are still there! :( And then, I wait. I'm getting pretty good at WAITING. So far, nothing comes. I try to convice myself that he isn't there so that I'm not let down when nothing comes. I refresh my email inbox 20 times before an email pops up. It's from him! He says, I can talk for fifteen more mins. Sorry I interrupted your test! I am standing in the halls of the college and I start tearing up in front of everyone. But I do not care one bit, JD is there, and I GET TO TALK TO HIM!!

Sigh of relief, fifteen minutes! Not an hour, but better than nothing. So I talk, about home. He wants to know everything, how his room is, how his family is, how my family is, how his dogs are.. it was so normal. But it was perfect! It was us, talking again. I miss that feeling so much. Next thing I know, I look at the clock and it's been an hour since he said he could talk for fifteen mins. Wow! He must really love me to stay that much longer to talk. The last email I get from him says, I have to go now. But I love you so much!!! I am going to email you like this next week, so be ready! But I can't do it everyweek.. and don't tell anyone because it is against the rules to talk like this.

Okay. Story's over. And that being said, I know that posting this on here isn't really "not telling anyone" but I'm sure everyone will agree that with all the rules JD follows and everything, this little emailing adventure I received was really no biggie considering most girlfriends are allowed a lot more contact than I am. But I'm sure JD would not be the happiest person that I posted it for all to see... so please, don't mention it. Literally. :)

And now, in conclusion.. I realize why JD talked to me and why he is planning on it on Monday. It's because Mother's Day is soon, and he knows I'm having a hard time with it. He has to be doing this to make up for a it. And I have to say, it definately will have made it easier on me.. I'm not so completely in the dark. When I wrote his letter this week I told him, I know you were talking to me for my benefit, and that makes me sound weak. But you know, sometimes I am weak.. This is hard. And evertime I start feeling weak, you somehow know exactly what to do to lift me up. So thank you for talking to me this week, it meant a lot to me and really did help me. I know you can't talk to me like that every week, and that's okay. But this week, I am the happiest girl in the world. :)

[emails were shortened for the sake of privacy]

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One Blog

Originally I had two blogs, one for my missionary waiting experience, and one for my normal life. But. I realized that waiting for J.D. is such a big part of my life, that there is no way these two things can be separated. Half of the time, I wanted to put the same things on both of my blogs. So, this is now my combined experiences of life and waiting all in one. Although, don't be surprised if 90% of my postings are about that missionary of mine, mainly because the only times I feel like I should write are the times that I want to tell about him.

So, it is so hard (so, so, so hard) when I feel like J.D. is the only missionary following the rule about the whole not talking to the girlfriend when he calls home on Mother's Day. Some day I am okay with it and I am proud of him for following the rules. But other days (like today) it's so hard for me to accept. I talk to so many girls that are waiting, or did wait already and ended up marrying their missionary, and it really helps! But what is hard is that most of them/almost all of them talked to their missionaries! Am I completely alone in this? I know I'm not because I know there are other missionaries following this rule to, but it sure doesn't feel like. It seems like all I hear about lately is how everyone gets to talk to missionaries (that aren't brothers) on Mother's Day. Stupid Mother's Day. (No offense mom!)

On a different note, J.D. got a new companion yesterday. I haven't heard anything about this new companion yet, but I am looking forward to this. Maybe it's just me, and it probably is, but I could swear J.D.'s last companion, Elder Butler did not like me. Maybe it's just because he was J.D.'s trainer so he was trying to be really good, but I don't know.. I could just be crazy. And maybe it's because I'm still getting used to the fact that I don't get to talk to J.D. the same way I did before now for quite a while. Well, I can't wait to hear from J.D. this week. It's been a long week this time.

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Rings

Everytime I get a letter from JD I am a little on edge about what it is going to say. Because sometimes his letters are so exciting and happy! But there are also those times that the letters are very hard.. much like last week. This weeks letter however, was wonderful!!

See, when JD left, he gave me a ring. Not an engagement ring, but a ring that says how much he loves me. I wear it to show everyone that I am waiting for a missionary. Not the waiting and dating kind, but actually waiting for him to come home and be with me. I promised JD that I would always wear it as long as I consider him my boyfriend. So the only way I will take it off is if we either break up (which won't happen), or get engaged. The ring he gave me is not real diamonds or anything, just a sterling silver ring with cubic zerconia diamonds around it. The ring is called an eternity band. Because I will love him for eternity. On our Anniversary, which was January 1st (2 years now!), he sent me another identical band that goes with it, with a promise that someday he will turn it into an engagement ring. Many people think this ring is a wedding ring or they ask if I'm married. I just reply, no I'm not married or engaged, I'm just waiting for a missionary that I someday do want to marry.

Right when JD left, I also bought him a ring. His ring is a CTR ring (we thought that was fitting due to his mission) that he also wears with the same meaning I wear mine for. With last week's letter and everything he said about following every rule, I just assumed that it would be a rule that he cannot wear rings on that specific finger. I also had asked him about it in many of my letters and he never answered, so I took that as his way of saying, no I don't wear it because I can't. But in this week's letter he finally answered my question about whether or not he wears it, and his answer made my entire week better! He said, I am wearing my ring and I have been and I will not take it off until you want me to! JD promised me a long time ago that he would never be the one to break up with me. And that if we ever broke up, it would be because I wanted to and told him we needed to. JD and I have been through so much in our relationship already. We have fought more than anyone can imagine, and yet we learn how to work our way through the fights together. And I think it has made us stronger as a couple to be able to fight, and work it out and still love each other just as much, if not more. Hearing that JD still wears his ring means a lot, just because I know that even though he doesn't spend hardly any time concentrating on him and I while he is out on his mission, it is okay. He still wears that ring because he still loves me. And I don't need anything more from him while he is on a mission than to know that he will always love me. And wearing that ring is just one little way he can say it to me without actually being able to physically say it.

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The NICU

I had work today.. I work in the Newborn Intensive Care Unit. And it is the best job in the whole world! Who wouldn't want to feed and hold the cutest babies ever all day, and get paid for it?

The reason I write about working there in my post about my missionary is that I love going to work, yet it is also so hard. All I see all day long are these cute little families with their little babies. The majority of the people I see are usually young couples, a lot of times their first child. I see these mothers with their husbands leaning over their baby and they look so happy. And I am so jealous. I want JD here, and I want my own little family to look so happy with. Now don't get the wrong idea, I'm not going baby crazy. No, I do not want to have a kid anytime soon. But working with these babies and their parents, you can't help but get so excited to have that for yourself. I pray that my children will never have to be in to NICU, but still, it's the whole happy family idea that I'm jealous of.

I have to email JD tonight because his P-Day is tomorrow. Now just so it's not confusing, since I said he can't email.. he asked his mission president and he said that I am allowed to send JD one very short email a week. When I say short, I mean it's like four sentences long. JD cannot email me back though. He sends one big email to his parents that he also sends to me to read.

What am I going to say to him? After his letter, I don't really know what to say. I want to tell him I'm proud of him, but I'm also still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that he really is not going to be talking to me until he gets home. And I still have a hard time not wanting to tell him that he is crazy. So what do I say.. in four sentences? Ugghh. I guess we'll see what happens..

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The Worst Letter So Far

Okay, so the whole reason I started this blog is all because of the letter I got this week. The whole time JD has been gone has definately been a rollercoaster, but this so far has been the lowest point. And I'm probably making a bigger deal of it than I should, but to me, it was huge. See, the only rule I know of that JD was breaking is that when he would call home on Mother's Day or Christmas Day, he would talk to me on the phone. Well, it turns out he doesn't want to break the rules at all. So he said, that from now on when he calls home, that he will not be able to talk to me on the phone.

When I read that, my entire world came crashing down. I understand he wants to follow the rules, but has he lost his freaking mind?? That means I won't be able to talk to him until he gets home from his mission in a million years from now. After reading that letter, all I did the rest of the day was sit in my room and cry. Seriously, all day. Talking to JD on the phone is what I looked forward to the most, and now he took that away from me.

Now that I look back on the letter though, I was totally unfair with how I felt. First of all, the world will not end because I don't get to talk to JD when he calls. Even though it felt like it at the moment. Secondly, the way he told me in the letter was so sweet that I can't be mad at him. He said, "When I talked to you at the airport and then at Christmas, I wasn't supposed to. So I will not be able to talk to you on the phone anymore. I know that this will be hard for you but I can promise it will be worth it. I am trying to be as obedient to the rules of my mission as I can. I know that you supporting me will help me become that man that I'm supposed to be."

This is going to take time for me to accept and come to terms with, but I know realize that he is doing this with the best intentions. He is being my perfect missionary. And even though it is hard for me to completely understand why at times, I am happy he follows the rules. This cute girl that my mom works with is also waiting for a missionary who is following all of the rules like JD is. When I told her I was having a hard time with this, she sent me this long wonderful email about how JD is doing the right thing. It was the best email ever. In it she said, "We say that we are putting the Lord first for two years, and then he will bless us with forever!" That is a pretty good deal if you ask me.

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Pictures of Us

Saying goodbye was so hard.


I will love him forever!

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