Logan and Chad

Hearing of Logan and Chad's deaths was particularly heartbreaking.  I was driving to my fiance's house on Sunday to head to church after and he called me and told me the news.  From the horrible story he told me, I didn't believe him at first.  But after some research, I learned the terrifying story was true.  Logan, Chad, and Derek had gone out duck hunting Saturday on the Great Salt Lake.  A storm came in and their boat capsized.  They did not have life jackets on and the water was freezing.  Derek decided to swim back a ways to get some help, and Logan and Chad decided to stay and wait for help.  When they came back to find them, it was too late.

I met Chad and Logan on the same day.  I was at my best friend's house and we planned on hanging out with them for the first time after Logan and I had spent a lot of time talking.  That first day hanging out with them was a complete riot.  Logan had gotten his wisdom teeth out that morning and was a little loopy from the pain medication.  We went to cold stone and Logan ordered banana.  Just banana.  Gross.  It became a long standing joke in our relationship.  Logan and I ended up dating for about a year before he left on his mission.  We were close.  He told me he loved me.  He also said I was the first girl he had ever told that to.  I don't know if that's true, but it made it more special to me.  I had so much fun with Logan.  He treated me so well.  He fell quickly and I think that scared me a little bit, I was very young and wasn't sure what I wanted.  Logan was so good about writing me during his mission.  He sent many letters, and even more pictures.  I on the other hand, was not as good about writing him.  I was only 16 when he left and just getting into high school.  When he came home, I was dating someone else and felt differently.  But that didn't change how highly I thought of him and how special I felt our friendship was.  We continued to talk for a little while until he became serious with his now wife.  We both moved on and really lost touch with each other once he had gotten married and I become serious with someone else.  From what I heard from Chad, Logan had an amazing life with his wife and his two children.  He was happy and had such a bright future ahead of him.  Hearing that he had passed, especially in such a terrible way, was so heartbreaking.  I know that if anything were to happen to my fiance, I would be a complete mess and don't know how I would get through it.  I feel so hurt for Tasha and her kids and can't imagine the pain she feels especially.  She is in my prayers every moment of my day.

Logan Deloy Hardman 

1987 ~ 2012

On November 17, 2012 our precious Logan returned home to his Heavenly Father while doing something he loved, duck hunting with Chad and his friends. Born on March 17, 1987 in West Valley City, UT, to Kevin Deloy and Stephanie Lynn Hilton Hardman. Logan served a two year faithful LDS mission in Knoxville, Tennessee. He had a personal love for his savior which helped him to love and serve those around him. He will continue serving the lord, knowing deep In his heart that his family would be okay and one day be reunited. His calm, easy going personality and contagious smile captured the heart of the love of his life, Natasha Nuttall Hardman. They married in the Salt Lake Temple on March 25, 2010 for time and all eternity. Fatherhood became his greatest joy, loving his Brynnlee & Brody. He loved outdoors, hunting, football and spending time with friends and family. Survived by his wife, Natasha; children Brynnlee 4, Brody 11 months; parents Kevin and Stephanie Hardman; in-laws Bryan and Hollie Nuttall; brothers Andy (Samie) Hardman, Matt (Michelle) Hardman , Tyrel (Natalie) Hardman; Nathan (Kristin) Nuttall, Nicholas (Trista) Nuttall, Korbin Nuttall, Kyler Nuttall. This will be a short time of loneliness but we know we'll share an eternity together.
We would like to thank everyone for the donations, prayers, love and support, but especially the search and rescue working so hard to bring our boys home.
Funeral services will be held 11 a.m. Saturday, November 24, 2012 at the Sunset Ridge 1st Ward, 8107 S. 6700 W., where a viewing will be held both Friday 6-8 p.m. and Saturday 10-10:45 a.m. prior to services. Interment: Valley View Memorial Park. Online condolences: www.peelfuneralhome.com
In lieu of flowers donations can be made to Zions Bank in Logan's name.

Now Chad.  Chad is such a sweetheart.  He and I weren't terribly close while Logan was home.  All I really remember from that time period is his super cute bleached blonde tips of his dark hair.  He always made you laugh and was such a positive person.  Once Logan left on his mission, Chad and I started talking a lot more.  We kept each other informed of our dating lives, work lives, school lives, everything.  I complained to him about everything that bothered me in life and he had advice for it all.  I remember going to lunch many times and being persuaded to set him up with many of my cute friends.  Because of Chad, I met by amazing fiance now.  Cody grew up with Chad since he was a little kid.  They went to school together and did a lot together.  Chad is such a precious person to me and there's a lot in my life that would not be the same had Chad not been in my life.  I saw his family on Sunday, the day I found out about his death.  His house was filled with people that love him that were mourning over his death.  It's obvious that many, many people loved Chad as much if not much more than I did.

Chad Masanori Tohinaka

1987 ~ 2012
Our loving son, brother, grandson, and dear friend, Chad , 25, passed away Saturday, November 17, 2012 in an accident on the Great Salt Lake along with his best friend and brother Logan. Chad was born on September 15, 1987 in Salt Lake City, Utah to Mike & Karen Tohinaka. He graduated from Olympus High and Westminster College and was currently working as a portfolio manager at National Capital Investment Company. Chad strived to be the best in all he did and he lived life to its fullest. He went skydiving with friends, loved extreme roller coasters with his sister and dad, the bigger the better. He loved hunting with Logan & friends for ducks and other game. He was an avid ghost hunter and spent many nights investigating haunted locations with his Paranormal Investigations Team of Utah buddies, although he never "caught" one.
Chad is survived by his parents, Mike & Karen, sister, Kelsi, grandmothers Sachiko Tohinaka and Mitsue Sugimoto and many aunts, uncles, and cousins. We want to thank all the family, friends and members of the community for their generosity and outpouring of love and support for our son Chad and "our other son", Logan.
Most of all, a special thank you to everyone involved in the search and rescue operation that night for finding our boys and bringing them home. It brings us peace to know that Chad and Logan were together in life and now in death. Brothers forever. Our lives and hearts are so much richer because of them both.
Funeral services will be held on December 2, 2012 at 4:00 p.m. at the Salt Lake Buddhist Temple, 211 W. 100 So., Salt Lake City, Utah. Friends may visit from 2:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m. Funeral directors, Neil O'Donnell and Sons. In lieu of flowers, please make a donation in Chad's memory to the Logan Hardman fund at Zions Bank.

It's hard to believe that Logan and Chad are gone.  It doesn't feel real, and it consumes a lot of my thoughts.  Although I didn't spend time with either of them much in the last few years, there was a time in my life where I spent all of my time with these two men.  Any spare moment I had was spent being escorted around Magna in Logan's pear scented car being shown the "crazy man's cardboard house" that they loved to tease me about.  We never sat in the house watching movies, these guys were busy bodies!  Always out doing something.  They are both such incredible people.  Their funerals will be very difficult to take in.  Their families have a long road ahead of dealing with their losses.  But with Heavenly Father's help, I know they will be okay.  I know I will be okay.  And I know we will all see them both again some day.

Logan made me listen to this song every single time we got in the car.  I complained for a little while, but let's just say I adopted the song soon after.  Who couldn't love this song, right?

Fishin' in the Dark-Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

Rest in peace Logan Hardman and Chad Tohinaka.   

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Grandma Stam

This last weekend has been truly exhausting.  There is so much that has happened and I can't believe it all happened in the same weekend.  As much heartbreak as I feel I can no longer endure, I know and really feel for the other closer, more important people these events directly effected.  My heart is broken for their sake and my prayers are with everyone effected by these horrible turn of events.

I got home from my graveyard clinical shift and went straight to bed.  A few hours later, I got a phone call from my father.  He stated that he was sorry for waking me up, but he wanted me to hear it from him instead of Facebook or some other form, but my sweet grandmother had passed away that morning.  

My grandmother (my father's mom) was just in the hospital last month.  She had eaten something she didn't like and aspirated and ended up getting pneumonia from it.  She had to be in the hospital for a week or so.  She was staying in the same hospital that I was working at so it was really easy to go up and see her.  I feel very lucky that my grandma was in the hospital last month.  Although I know she did not enjoy being there, it really gave me a lot more time to spend with her, time I probably would not have gotten without her trip to the hospital.

My grandma's funeral was yesterday, and it was perfect.  Her favorite color was pink.  And everything was pink.  The flowers were pink and purple and looked absolutely perfect. They matched the amazing hot pink carpet she has in her home. The balloons were pink and purple and looked amazing as they floated into the sky at the grave site.  And my grandma's casket was a beautiful pearl pink.  And my grandma herself.  She looked so beautiful, and so peaceful, happy even.  It was heartbreaking to watch my grandpa have to say goodbye to her.  He loves her so much, they have the epitome of the perfect relationship and perfect love for each other.  They have been together forever.  And they will continue to be together after this life. 

I love my grandma so very much.  I pray and will ask your prayers for my grandfather so that he can cope with my grandma's passing and continue to be the strong and amazing person he is.

Muriel Dahle Murdoch Stam

1929 ~ 2012
Our beautiful wife, mother, grandmother and grandma-great, completed her earthly mission and passed peacefully on to join her parents, family and friends on November 14, 2012 at age 83. She left behind a legacy of love, honor, service, endurance and charity.
She was born in Hyrum, Utah February 18, 1929. She attended schools in California and Utah, graduating from East High School. She married her eternal sweetheart Richard V. Stam and had 64 wonderful years together. Their marriage was solemnized in the Salt Lake Temple. Together they raised 5 children and many foster children. They served together on the Salt Lake County Foster Parent Council for many years.
Muriel loved to sing and dance and performed in many plays. She also sang in a woman's group which performed around Salt Lake City. Her hobbies were knitting and crocheting and she made many afghans, poncho's, hats and scarfs for her family. She loved to travel and was fortunate to spend many retirement years traveling with her husband and friends enjoying the beautiful earth God created.
Her love for her family was only surpassed by her love of the Lord. She served in many capacities in the LDS Church including den mother, Sunday School Teacher, Young Women's leader and Relief Society President.
She cared for and served her parents and family with unconditional love. She endured several illnesses with Dignity and Faith. Her life was a shining example for her family to follow. We will miss her dearly and will rejoice when we are with her again.
She is survived by her dear husband, Richard, her children, Loralee (Jim) Hanson, Lon Stam, Jillyn Best, Darren (Roseann) Stam and Renee Stam, 27 Grandchildren and 28 Great- Grandchildren. She was preceded in death by her parents Lora and Cuthbert Murdoch and Delos Dahle, a daughter Jenee and a grandson Andrew.
Funeral services will be held Monday, November 19, 2012, 12:00 Noon, at the Cottonwood Heights 3rd Ward, 6890 South Whitmore Way, where friends and family may visit Sunday evening from 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. or Monday from 10:30 to 11:30 a.m.
We wish to express our thanks to our sweet father for the loving care he gave our mother for many years. Also, to Linda Hancey, Lisa and her crew and all the wonderful people at Heartwood for their kind service and love. We love you mother, until we meet again.

Some of the beautiful balloons.

The prettiest casket for the most amazing lady.

 

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The Proposal!

October 13, 2012 at about 6:30 pm my life changed forever.  The man of my dreams finally proposed!  I can't believe it is real, we are really engaged!  Cody and I have had such a rough ride getting to this point.  I think we have endured things through the dating phase that most couples would never have to face.  But I also know that is why we are where we are, that is why we have made it to the point of being engaged.  We have learned to love each other and endure anything we are faced with hand in hand, together.  

Cody told me that Saturday (the 13th) he has planned for us to go to dinner and a haunted house.  We spent the morning playing with our dogs and watching some of our favorite TV shows.  We had planned to go to dinner at 7:30 that night.  At about 3:00 pm Cody told me his uncle was drawing the personal cartoons of people down in City Creek.  I had met his uncle a couple of times before this and knew he was an amazing artist, so I thought this would be a lot of fun!  We once got a cartoonist picture of us done at the State Fair, and I love it!  So I thought it was a great idea to get one done by his uncle who was so good at drawing!

We headed downtown and walked around trying to find the ice cream shop he told me his uncle was set up in.  We finally found it and his uncle was set up with a really cute drawing he had drawn of himself and the chairs and easel.  He was drawing a picture his son and we waited a few minutes while watching him finish up.  Then we sat down to get our pictures done.  :)

It was a little bit awkward to sit there as he was "drawing" us.  He has us smile while he got idea of how we look so he could draw it.  We sat there about 10 minutes and I glanced over at Cody to see what he was doing.  I had seen some kind of flicker behind me and a quickly glanced behind me and saw a crowd of people, but from what I could see, they weren't looking at us and I didn't think very much of it.  Maybe I just assumed it was other people waiting to get a picture drawn, I don't know what I was thinking. 

After about 15 minutes in the chairs, he said he was done and he flipped the picture of us around to see it!  It was so cute of us, I loved it!  But there were these big empty word bubble above our heads and the Cody stood up.  And that's when I knew.  :)

Cody asked his uncle, "What are these bubbles for?"  And his uncle replied "Oh, I figured you could write what you want in them."  Cody then said, "I know what I want to write."  He then turned to me and took my hands and made me stand up.  At that point he looked at me and said "Heather, I love you so much.  We have been through so much to get to where we are today and it has helped me come to know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. *Gets down on one knee and pulls out the most AMAZING ring EVER!*  Heather Rose Stam, will you marry me?"  This is when I see that "crowed waiting for pictures" come in the doors with laughs, huge smiles, flashing cameras, and familiar faces.  I think somewhere during that time I said an awkward and shell shocked yes.  I pulled Cody up into a hug and he put the beautiful ring on my finger! 

After that, I was lucky enough to have friends and family there to hug and love on.  :)  All of Cody's immediate family was there, and four of my best friends from my childhood!  But when I saw my older brother there, he was the one that made me cry.  He definitely got the first hug.  My parents were not there because they don't support my decision to marry Cody.  It's been a struggle for my family and something we will continue to work on.  But to see my older brother there meant so much to me and to hear that my sister-in-law and little brother would have also been there had they not been obligated to work, was such an emotional thing for me.  

After we spent some time taking a lot of pictures and talking with everyone that came, Cody and I went to dinner and a haunted house with my good friend Chelsie and her boyfriend Josh.  It was a lot of fun to be able to spend time with them and do it with a pretty ring on my finger.  Which my bragging rights for my ring comes in here- we got it from J.Brooks Jewelers (S/O to them, they are SO amazing!).  Cody knows the owner of that jeweler so we got a slamming deal on the ring!  My ring has 94 little diamonds in it and 95 with the beautiful 3/4 ct. pear shaped center diamond.  Yes, I love it very much. :)

It's so unreal to be actually engaged now.  It's something that we have been thinking about for quite a while now, but has been such a tough place for us to get to for so many other reasons.  But it really felt like the moment I had a ring on, things changed.  Our commitment to each other became so real and so solidified.  I have always felt very comfortable with Cody's family, but now I felt like real family.  I honestly could not be happier with my decision to marry Cody, and it's been so cute to watch Cody as he has gotten just as excited as I have for this to milestone to happen.  I love Cody so much!!  We have decided to get married in March because that's what works the best with his and my school schedule.  I don't want to get married in December, which is Cody's first school break, because that will be a week or two before I am set to take my NCLEX exam.  So the next break we have is spring break in the fall.  We have the Salt Lake temple scheduled on March 8th (it may change to March 7th because I've learned weekday weddings are so much cheaper than weekend weddings, but we haven't decided for sure quite yet...I will update soon!) so make sure you can come!!

Thanks again to everyone who came out to watch the proposal and take some amazing pictures for us!! We are so happy and I couldn't have a better guy to spend the rest of eternity with!! :)

Pictures for your enjoyment!

My beautiful ring!!

Our picture that we filled in after he proposed.

Although we do have pictures of the real proposal, they are on everyone else's camera still... so this picture was a cheesy reenactment of the proposal, but still cute. :)

My fiance is so cute!!

I'm a dork and was making faces at my friends after standing there so long taking pictures. 

Happily engaged!

Another photo of my amazing ring.  Yes I'm spoiled.

At dinner after the proposal.

Scary house time!! I hate these so much.  But it was a lot of fun!

Our Nightmare pictures.

Thanks Chelsie and Josh for coming with us!  We had fun!

 SAVE THE DATE!  MARCH 7th or 8th IN THE BEAUTIFUL SALT LAKE TEMPLE!! (Haha, I'll let everyone know soon which one.)

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Remembering Brock

I've been pretty fortunate in my life to not have experienced much death.  I have all four of my grandparents still, all of my extended and immediate family.  I even had the same dog from when I was 5 years old up until just last October.  My dog dying was very terrible for me, and probably the worst I've experienced.  Call me lucky, or call me unlucky because it will probably all come crashing down at the same time.  But all I know is, I can't imagine the horrible pain that comes from losing someone you truly love.

I lost a friend this past weekend.  He and I used to work together as lifeguards when we were younger.  He was so funny at work, he was always getting in trouble.  I think he gave us more business than any of the patrons did because he was always getting hurt!  I think every time I saw him he had some kind of new cast.  I think he was a little more daring than he should have been.  Once I got a job in the hospital I work at, Brock and I lost touch.  It wasn't until about two years ago that I saw Brock again at SLCC sitting in the student commons area.  I went over and sat with him and gave him a hug.  I caught up with him on the last few years and found out he was pretty amazing at math and wanted to become a math teacher.  He was working on calculus homework that day, a foreign language to me.  We exchanged numbers and looked each other up on Facebook so we could stay in touch.

Brock had Crohn's Disease which eventually led to Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis which is basically scarring and inflammation of the bile ducts in the liver, causing an obstruction to the flow of bile leading to liver failure.  I didn't really know this when Brock was sick... I knew he was sick and had some kind of liver disease.  But it was Brock, he went to the hospital for a little while, and he always came home.  He'd had this disease ever since I'd met him.  Brock was a super hero.

Whenever Brock had to come to the hospital, he would always send me a text letting me know he was here (because I work at the hospital he was treated at).  I was only able to go and see him one time a while ago, but we would always talk about how boring it was to be in the hospital.  He was such a positive guy though, he always talked highly of the nurses assigned to him!

Brock and I hadn't talked for a while over the last couple of months.  I assumed he was doing better and was busy with life.  I always enjoyed the funny things he would post on Facebook and he always enjoyed seeing pictures of my dog because we both had a love for dogs.  However, it turns out that the last couple of months Brock was actually doing a lot worse.  He needed a liver transplant.  At one point he even had a liver ready for him, but he wasn't strong enough to endure the surgery.  They had to give the liver to someone else while he got better.  Once he finally was better, there was no liver of course.  He waited and waited.  And got worse while waiting.  What I didn't know is that he got bad to the point of no return.  Brock passed away on September 28th with his family surrounding him.  

It's so hard to believe it's real.  I feel like tomorrow I'm just going to see Brock back at his happy go lucky self again.  It's so heart breaking to think his beautiful presence won't be felt here on the Earth anymore.  I don't know Brock's family, but I send my prayers and love their way.  If only they knew how many people really do love Brock and will be missing him.  Brock was an amazing loving person who didn't deserve to have his life here cut short.  

I pray that in Brock's honor and others like Brock, everyone will take careful consideration when they choose not to mark organ donation on their license.  One tiny decision to donate an organ to those in need when you no longer can use it may make the difference needed in another young 21 year old's life, saving them from dying waiting for that person who did make that small decision to save others.

In loving memory of Brock Barber Butler.

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Fall Time!

A crappy picture of our beautiful hike.  Once I steal Cody's camera, I will have much better pictures to show off.

I love fall.  I.  Love.  Fall.  The colors are so beautiful and amazing!  It's funny that I've lived in Utah my whole life and still every time fall comes around I'm amazed at how colorful our mountains turn every fall.  I had an amazing week this week and I got to spend a lot of much needed time with Cody.  I told him earlier in the week that I would like to go up the canyon soon to see the colors and we ended up going to Silver Lake on Saturday and spent time walking around the lake and taking pictures of the beautiful scenery.  We also had a lot of fun helping out Missy Larsen who is running for Salt Lake City county council.  Cody is taking a campaign management class or something like that and he has to help someone with the upcoming elections and he chose her.  I like to go help out because I just want to spend the time with Cody.  We've really enjoyed walking the neighborhoods together because it gives us a lot of time to just talk about life and pick apart what we like and don't like about all of the houses we see.  

This week however, the candidates for election were having a big get together, so we went and helped Missy set up a tent so she could talk to people about why they should vote for her.  Well, turns out we set up our tent right next to this crazy guy who was running for President.  Yep.  President of the United States.  I'd never heard of him, and I still don't remember his name now.  No one knew who he was.  He was crazy!  Running for President of the United States?  Haha.  Cody wasn't as intrigued with him as I was.  This guy had to have something wrong going on up in his head because he was totally serious and was seriously trying to get people to vote for him to become the President.  Oh dear.

This week was also JD's birthday.  I spent time with him and his friend's on his birthday to help celebrate and I had a lot of fun.  It's still not easy.  I don't think it will ever be easy.  But the thing is, regardless of whether JD and I are dating or not, he is one of my very best friends.  We started out as friends.  So it's not difficult to still be friends.  Are feelings always going to be there between us?  Yes.  But those feelings aren't strong enough for me to overcome the feelings I have for Cody.  It's hard and many people don't understand.  This situation has been so tough and I know it's hurt a lot of people in the process, especially me.  But I truly feel I'm doing the right thing.  And sometimes the right thing doesn't necessarily mean it's easy.  The thing about my situation is, no matter what the outcome, it's always painful.  It's especially hard to choose the option that leaves your family not happy with you, telling you you are doing the wrong thing.  It's especially hard when the guy you don't choose to be with is still an amazing, wonderful, beautiful guy in every way.  And it's especially hard when there are a lot of times you feel alone in your decision with no one to talk to.  JD is so great in every way, and he and I have a history that I will never forget.  But I'm ready for this new chapter in my life, even if it means the road getting there will be tough. 

 I wish more than anything I could sit on the couch at night and talk to my mother about how amazing my date was with the man I love, or how we went ring shopping and I love the ring I found, or how sweet he was for surprising me at work with flowers and a note that had all of the other nurses talking about what a wonderful guy I have.  I want to come home and tell her how happy I am and how I want to plan a wedding with her every step of the way.  I want her to go dress shopping with me and pick flowers and colors and decorations.  But, I don't get to do those things.  I don't get to share those things with anyone, really.  My mom isn't sure she wants to be involved at all.  And that's the hardest thing in the world to hear.  I'm her only daughter, and I've always dreamed of the perfect wedding.  But I'm learning more and more as I grow up that perfect doesn't exist as a whole, only in small forms.  And I guess having a perfect wedding where my mother is there every step of the way isn't a part of the perfect piece of my life.  I love my momma.  She loves me very much.  We will come through this.  Maybe not in time for a wedding or engagement or even getting to know the person I love.  But maybe some day.  My mom's not a bad person.  My mom means well in every way.  My mom is a major worry wart, and for good reason at times too.  But she doesn't always need to worry as much as she does.  But as much as it hurts to not have my mom be there and excited for the love I've found in my life, I would rather have my over protective, over worrying, and over sensitive mother than a mother who doesn't care.  My mother cares.  She always will. 

A few weeks ago, it rained really hard and I forced my mom to come out and play in the rain with me.  :)

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How to Support the Unsupported

Lately, I've had many questions going through my head.  Is marrying Cody the right decision for me?  Where does JD play into my life?  How do I go against my parent's wishes and marry someone they do not approve of?  Then add of the stress of finishing up nursing school and being busy with clinicals and work.  Let's say it's been a stressful time of my life.

I put a picture of the evil stepmother in Snow White on this post not because I'm saying my mother is the evil stepmother.  I love my mother.  But it seems to me that there is a lot of this "evil stepmother" stuff going on in the fairytales.  Tell me I'm crazy because I compare my life to the Disney fairytales, I don't care.  But I have a sense of what an unapproving "evil stepmother" would feel like in my own life in the form of my own parents.

Through the thick in thin, I'm in love with Cody.  And I've always known I am.  Everything feels right with Cody.  We feel right together.  We work hard together, as a team.  We've been through so many good and bad times together.  We both have families that have extremely different beliefs and because of that, we have come to a perfect middle ground that works well with each other.  We have studied out the gospel together to see where it fits into both of our lives individually and together, and we've decided that we want to live our lives the way that I have been raised and the way Cody has had to work exceptionally hard for, that is as a part of the gospel and a member of the LDS Church.  We strive to do the right thing together, and while we aren't perfect, we truly help each other become the kind of person we want and desire to be.  Marriage is a scary thing for me, and adding on the lack of support from my own family makes it 100 times scarier.  So it makes sense for me to take steps back and re-evaluate whether this is really the right thing for me.  But regardless of the attitude my parents send me about my relationship with Cody, each time I've stepped back to really evaluate this, I've come back with the same answer.  I love Cody.  He loves me.  We are right together.  Our relationship isn't perfect, and neither would our marriage be.  But we are both willing to put our necks out on the line for each other and work through any struggles or difficulties we might face because we love each other and we are good for each other.  I may never say the right thing to my parents, I may never be able to explain to them how I feel and have them understand.  But that is okay, because I know someday they will see the things I see in Cody and I and they will be just as happy for me as I am.  I will finish nursing school, Cody will finish law school, we will have a family together, we will raise our family in the church, we will stick by each other's side through anything we are faced with, and we will be an eternal family, my family included.

So I title this post, How to Support the Unsupported.  Basically, there are tons of people around the world that are in the same position I am in, people who fell in love and are experiencing the happiest time of their lives, but aren't receiving that same happiness and support from the people that means the most to them, their family.  Through this course of time dealing with this situation (and a long continued course) I've learned a few things about dealing with family who doesn't agree with your decisions.  I've found a few other people who are now married and had to deal with this same situation.  This is the advice from these people and myself, for anyone else experience the lack of support for their decision to marry.

First, tell your family that you love this person and nothing will change that.  This has been a particularly difficult step for me because it is hard being told that my feelings are a mistake and I'm wrong, so I avoid talking about it altogether.  But it is important, and it's a step I continue to work on.

Second, tell your family that you love them.  They need to know that your decisions aren't to spite them, but are decisions based off of your feelings and impressions.  Although your family doesn't agree with your decisions, it doesn't change that you also still and always will love your family.

Third, stay calm.  Getting angry and emotional causes remarks and jabs to come out that you don't want there.  It will only cause a bigger problem for you when you are trying to explain the reasoning behind your decisions and being overly emotional about it can cause for more fuel behind the unapproving's fire.

Fourth, tell your family that you are an adult, that they raised you well and to think and find out answers for yourself, and that is what you are doing.  Sometimes they just need to be reminded that you know your values you were taught and you are making your decisions based off of those values and the things your learn as an adult.

Fifth, realize the unapproving have the best intentions.  Although at times it feels like it, I know my parents tell me their concerns because they love me and not because they are trying to hurt me.  And I do not try to blow off their concerns, I have always tried to take them to heart.  There may be reasons they have the concerns that they do.  But sometimes it doesn't always mean the end of the road for that relationship.  I've given them plenty of time to voice all of their concerns, to step back and evaluate many times how those concerns play into my decision and my feelings, and made a decision from there.  Their concerns are always important to me, but it will not make my decision for me.

Sixth, patience, patience, patience.  Maybe the family will come around with time, maybe they won't.  But the only thing you can do is give it time, give it effort, and have patience.  

Seventh, find supporters!  It's so difficult to have everyone around you down on your decisions.  When you have those that do support you, it changes the whole mood and feeling about what are deciding.  For me, it's really brought out my true feelings to have some people tell me they support me.  I've really realized that this is where I'm happiest, and long for that support all around.

Eighth, let the unsupporting know you decision has been made.  There comes a time when it needs to be finalized.  There comes a time when it's no longer a question and you have to say that you understand their concerns and you have thought them out as much as you can, but they have not changed your mind or your heart.  They need to know that this is your decision and you have to take a firm stand and let them know that the time for them to voice their opinions has now finished.

Lastly, you must keep your significant other informed and involved.  The only way I've been able to get through the hard times with my family was to keep Cody involved in all of my feelings and emotions about the topic.  He has always been so respectful of my family and everyones feelings and most of the time he was just there to listen.  But having him know everything that was going on has been what has saved us a brought us together.

I love my family very much.  It's definitely very difficult not having their support in marrying Cody and has brought out many questions in my mind.  But through it all, I know it's the right thing for me and I am excited and happy to be experiencing these happy times with Cody.  I truly believe that someday, whether 1 year or 10 years down the road, my family will see the things I see in Cody and will be happy and excited to be involved.  For now, all I can do is continue to pray and do everything I can to remind my family that I love them and want them to be a part of my life.  They always will be, they are family, and I am only expanding that wonderful love we have as a family.

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To Marry or Not To Marry

Marriage.  Such a scary topic.  Why is this such a scary topic?  Apparently everyone gives you this wonderful idea growing up that getting married was going to be so beautiful and happy and just peachy.  Well, no one told me that it was going to be as painful of a process as it has been. 

I'm getting married.

I'm pretty sure I'm getting married.

Yep.

I am getting married.

You know those super predictable, really cheesy, ridiculous chick flicks where the girl is getting married to the man of her dreams.  She is extremely happy and thinks everything is just perfect.  Then right before the actual marriage part happens, the girl has the guy that has grown up with her, her best friend in the world, the kid next door, come to her and tell her she is making a mistake and that he is in love with her.  He says, "Marry me, not him."

Ya.  Apparently that happens in real life too.  And it's about the worst thing in the world.  If I remember correct, it's about 50/50 where either the girl talks with the best friend and says she loves the other man and is doing the right thing and marries him, or she leaves the man and ends up marrying the best friend.  That whole fact doesn't help my cause either.

It's funny, I've spent a lot of my time writing about Cody and JD.  And many of my blog posts have about 20, 30, 50...sometimes 70 views.  Except the ones in detail about Cody and JD.  For example the one with like 3,219 views.  People love that kind of crap.  And not one of those three thousand people can give me any idea of what they would do?  Come on.  Life is SO unfair.

JD.  We dated 2 years, knew each other our whole lives.  Had everything as close to a perfect relationship as you can get.  Head over heels falling more in love everyday.  Then, he leaves to serve a mission.  But to me, it feels like he died.  He was gone, gone from my life, gone from everything.  I couldn't see him, talk to him, hear him, have anything to do with him.  For two years.  No one will understand how hard that is.  How painful every single moment of every day was.  How big of a heart break I had to mend.  Each day was excruciatingly painful.  Then, he comes home.  Things are alright kinda good for a few months.  Things for him feel the same, but for me...I had mended a broken heart and was now trying to reopen that back up.  It was difficult.  I didn't know what to do.  Each day was a day spent in my room crying, asking for help.  I question our relationship and wonder if it really is the same or has the potential to be the same as it was 2 years ago.  I tell him JD I need some time to figure it out and figure out what my feelings for him still were.  And he disappears again.  And the heartbreak I feel resembles and magnifies the heartbreak I felt before.  Except this time, he was choosing to be away.  I move on, mend another heart break by fully allowing someone else into my heart.  I eventually go to JD to finally announce I am going to be getting married.  And a switch flips.  JD says all of the things I wanted to hear from him when he came home.  He does all of the things and shows all of care he should have from the start.  He tells me I am making the wrong choice, that he will do everything in his power for me to see that I need to be with him.  That he loves me and has always loved me and made a mistake by not showing it the whole time.  He finally comes back, finally the way he was before.  The man I was so deeply in love with was finally here before me.  Now?  Now.  When it's dannnggg near too late.

Cody.  I meet this really fun, cute guy 8 months before JD comes home from his mission.  It's all casual at first, all fun and games.  He knows about JD.  He sees pictures of JD everywhere.  But he's cool and calm and confident.  Things progress, my feelings grow.  But I'm cautious... still keeping everything that has to do with JD around.  Things progress still.  Cody meets the family.  The family is so hard on him because, well, he's not JD.  Still Cody stays calm and confident.  Things progress still.  Things are so wonderful.  But still I keep everything that has to do with JD around.  JD comes home.  I dump Cody on his butt faster than a bullet.  I choose JD.  And regret it sorely.  I'm deeply heartbroken and extremely depressed, even when I'm with JD.   I go back to talk to Cody and he's worse off than I am.  Cody does everything he can to spend a few more seconds with me, including making me drive around with him looking for something that didn't exist to stall for time.  We say, let's try friends.  Things progress still while JD is still in the picture.  The friend idea with Cody doesn't work.  Cody is there for me for everything.  Good days, bad days, emotional days, heartbroken days, happy days, hopeless days, wonderful days, everyday.  Cody endures endless scrutinizing by a never approving biased family.  Cody endures everything that has to do with JD, including now dates and personal time with him.  Still things progress.  Things get tough with JD he disappears and I finally give Cody the commitment he has been patiently waiting for.   Things progress.  Months and months go by.  Things progress a lot.  We fall in love, to the point that I am finally happy again.  I am looking forward to the future instead of being scared.  I trust Cody with my heart and know he will take care of it.  Things progress to the highest of highs.  We talk wedding.  We plan engagement.  We plan everything.  We are weeks away from the happiest time of our lives.  And then JD reappears.  I struggle.  I am once again in pain.  I am afraid of what Cody will think to hear I am struggling all over again.  I tell Cody my difficult feelings, and Cody again is cool, calm, and confident.  He is there to comfort me as I am telling him I have difficult feelings.  He is there to reassure me that everything will be okay and that he loves me more than anything in this world and always will.  Do things still progress this time?

Life is so, so cruel.  Life is so, so unfair.  Life is so, so hard.

I'm so sick of being confused.  I'm so sick of crying.  I'm so sick of having broken hearts.  I'm so sick of searching for my happy ending.  Freaking, let it happen already.  Give me a break already.  Can just like, one thing ever go smoothly for me?  Just one.  That's all I ask.

Please, give me an answer.  Tell me what to do.

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December 21st, 2012!!

Welp.  School has been extremely stressful as of late.  Nursing school is supposed to be stressful right?  You wouldn't believe the stress my school has been under.  I invite the thought of regular nursing school stresses now.  Oh what it would be to just stress about school work, tests, and that ever coming NCLEX. 

My nursing school is shutting down.  This, that, and the other... they were told to shut down this coming September.  Where did that leave the poor students that were supposed to graduate December, three months later?  Oh.  They told us that we were going to be finishing school at Ameritech College- graduating in May 2013 instead.  Yes.  My reaction was have at least three melt downs, freak outs, and cry like a maniac.  December is everything I've set my sights to for a year and a half of my life.  It's what I've worked so hard to get good grades for, so that I pass all of my classes and can start 2013 as a Registered Nurse.  But they wanted my to restart 2013 as a student again?  I don't think so.

Well, long story short, the students in my cohort took the liberty of emailing the nursing board of education (the ones who make the decision about closing the school) to figure some things out.  We talked them into allowing us students to come meet with them and we told them our story.  We told them how hard we have all worked for this graduation and how dedicated we all were to our education.  We reminded them how close we were and the fact that all we would have left to take was our NCLEX review class and our preceptorship.  We got just about everyone in that board room crying and well... we got them to say yes!  Yes, I get to graduate as planned.  Yes, my hard work in school has paid off and I will be graduating in 5 months with a nursing degree ready to take my NCLEX exam to make me an RN.  Yes, the countdown to December 21st, 2012 begins!

I'm going to repost something I posted a while ago.  It's a passage from the book My Sister's Keeper.  It's what someone says about the nurse that is taking care of them one day.  It's something I have always remembered since I read the book, it's what helps get me through nursing school and what got me through this stressful few months of figuring out when and where I will be graduation.  The Lord is sure looking over me to get me where I'm at now.  

Quote by Sara (mother of Anna and Kate, who has AML)

"An oncology ward is a battlefield, and there are definate hierarchies of command. The patients, they're the ones doing the tour of duty. The doctors breeze in and out like conquering heros, but they need to read your child's chart to remember where they've left off from the previous visit. It is the nurses who are the seasoned sergeants-the ones who are there when your baby is shaking with such a high fever she needs to be bathed in ice, the ones who can teach you how to flush a central venous catheter, or suggest which patient floor kitchens might still have Popsicles left to be stolen, or tell you which dry cleaners know how to remove the stains of blood or chemotherapies from clothing. The nurses know the name of your daughter's stuffed walrus and show her how to make tissue paper flowers to twine around her IV stand. The doctors may be mapping out the war games, but it is the nurses who make the conflict bearable."

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I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz

I was getting ready today listening to wonderful Pandora, and this song came on. And there is so much I could go on to say about this song.  But I'm just going to leave it at, oh my heck it's SOO true.

When I look into your eyes, it's like watching the night sky or a beautiful sunrise.

There's so much they hold. 

And just like them old stars, I see that you've come so far to be right where you are.

How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough.

I'm giving you all my love.

I'm still looking up.

And when your needing your space to do some navigating,

I'll be here patiently waiting to see what you find...

Cause even the stars, they burn.

Some even fall to the earth.

We've got a lot to learn, God knows we're worth it.

No, I won't give up.

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily.

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make.

Our differences, they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we've got, yeah we've got a lot at stake.

And in the end, you're still my friend, at least we did intent for us to work.

We didn't break, we didn't burn, we had to learn how to bend without the world caving in.

I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not.

And who I am.

I won't give up on us even if the skies get rough.

I'm giving you all my love.

I'm still looking up.

I won't give up on us, no I'm not giving up.

God knows I'm tough enough, I am tough, I am loved.

We've got a lot to learn, we're alive, we are loved.

God knows we're worth it, and we're worth it.

I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough.

I'm giving you all my love.

I'm still looking up.

(If you are my friend, I require you to watch this music video and listen to Jason Mraz sing this as wonderfully as he does. )

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Love Comes Once in a Lifetime

It's really not fair, all those fairy tales society provides to small children as they grow up.  I know I have posted about this before, but seriously.  Why do we feed little children with these huge expectations of love when they usually aren't true? Love is so much harder than portrayed.  It's not fair and does not provide proper preparation for the difficult road love truly is.  

When you fall in love, when you truly find that one person you can't live without, what would you really do for them?  Like the fairy tales say, would you give up friends and family you love?  How about run away to the ends of the earth with them?  Would you allow someone of a different background to become part of your life?  Or fight the terrible dragons of life to rescue them?  Would you protect them from any harm of any form?  Is there anything you wouldn't do for the one you deeply love?

Now the tables turn.  How do you believe everything someone tells you?  Does pure love always have perfect trust?  When actions don't match words, which one do you listen to?  The wonderful words that you long to hear, or the actions that contradict everything said.  People say actions speak louder than words.  How true is that really? Maybe none of the things you were once told and promised for so long, never really were true at all... 

If I can, I would like to give the guys out there some advice.  When that one person who pulls your heart strings stronger than anyone ever could, who you know you don't want to nor could you ever live without... it's not something that comes around often.  Don't let it slip away.  What does that mean?  Do everything.  Do something to stand out.  Something that reminds her you are the most important thing in her life, on a daily basis.  I firmly believe in the old fashion values that a man's job is to woo and win a woman's affections.  So if someone does not agree with these statements, I mean to offend no one.  But as for me, letting that person who means everything to you know that you will not and refuse to live without them could change the rest of your life.

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Is a Dream Really a Wish Your Heart Makes?

Cinderella sings, "A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep." How true is that really? What about the bad dreams? A heart couldn't possibly wish for bad things to occur. Right? I'm being haunted in my dreams. I'd like to call it a small form of PTSD, or for the non medical people out there, post traumatic stress disorder. See, an instance happened to me a few months back. Not a very big instance, to some you would call it a small bump in the road. But an instance that caused some heart ache none the less. Periodically since that instance, I've had a reoccurring dream haunt after me. It's not a good dream at all. And I wake up feeling betrayed and hurt. Each time I have this dream, it's a little bit different. A different situation, different story line, but the same underlying concept. Some are extreme cases, other are small- like the case that actually happened to me in my awake life. But it effects the way I start my day, my thinking between reality and dream land is impaired and line between the two is faded. What really doesn't make sense is that real life is near perfect now. Other than certain things out of anyone's control, nothing could be better. So to have these nightmares is unfair and definitely unwelcomed. What can I do from here to stop my small form of PTSD in my sleep. I don't want to dread sleep anymore, life is great! I know that these dreams would never come true, so why are they constantly coming back to haunt me? A nurse I was with for clinicals told me all about dream catchers. They were created obviously to catch your bad dreams. It is made into a web with beads tied into the web all around. Those beads are little permanent safes for bad dreams. Once they go in, they never come out. The strings and feathers hanging down from the dream catcher is where the good dreams are filtered through and drip down from the catcher and into your head, which is also the reason you hang the dream catcher at the head of your bed. Do I believe in rituals and legends, and dream catchers for that matter? I don't know. But I do believe in psychological reassurance and I know the impact that has. I don't know where these haunting dreams come from, but I don't intend on letting them stay. A painful experience can be held in the heart for a long time, but sometimes it's just a small boost of faith that is needed to move on and continue forward. And that is what I intend on doing.

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I Said Leave...

Isn't it true though? Isn't this always true?  My cute friend made this picture from a Taylor Swift song and I'm just realizing more and more how real this dumb little lyric line is in my life.  

Two boys.  Two wonderful, amazing, perfect men that I fell so in love with.  Not an ideal situation and I've had so many people tell me it's impossible.  But they are wrong.  Think what you will, but they are wrong.  

I've had experiences with this lyric line with both boys now.  Both boys and it has been such a different experience for both.  What do I do now?  What do I do when the outcome is completely opposite from what I expected?  From what everyone expected?  How can it really be this hard and painful?

Everyone wants that person who will go to the ends of the earth for them.  Who will fight through any battle and be the prince charming who rescues them.  I think every girl needs this experience, it's what really makes the princess fall in love, right?

One boy fights, one boy falls.  One boy does anything he can to be there, to be the person I turn to.  The other backs away and finds other priorities.  One falls in love deeper and stronger with every minute away and the other falls farther and more distant with each passing second.  But what do I do when everyone else around me tells me the one who has fought is the wrong one? 

Everyone thinks they know so well.  Everyone thinks they know the right thing.  Everyone tells me, do this/do that/go here/say that.  Has anyone stopped to think that maybe they are wrong?  

Maybe it's okay to move on.  Maybe moving on and taking a risk is what will bring such greatness.  Maybe all those what if's will disappear and turn into I was so right. 

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Where Can I Turn For Peace?

Where can I turn for peace?

Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole?

When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, I draw myself apart, searching my soul?

Where when my aching grows, where, when I languish, where, in my need to know, where can I run?

Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?

Who, who can understand?

He, only One.

He answers privately, reaches my reaching in my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.

Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.

Constant he is and kind, love without end.

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Life's Callings

I feel like I have had just an extremely ungrateful attitude about me lately and I need an opportunity to be humbled. When I get emotional or extremely passionate about something, I write. I have about a billion zillion different journals that have a full rainbow of emotions written inside. But it feels lately that I only write during the hard times and I don't want it to be like that. I have my trials and I learn to handle them as every day passes, but to me, regardless of what else is going on around me, my trials feel like the most important and most difficult thing going on in the world. But the reality of it is, it's not even the smallest fraction of what others are going through.

I had an interesting talk the other day with the most amazing guy in the world. He was in a lot of pain due to some health problems, it was crippling to watch him lay there in agony. But through it, he told me how at that moment in time, he had a much bigger understanding and appreciation for the pain and suffering Jesus went through for all of us. He said while at that moment, the pain he was feeling was the worst pain he's experienced in his lifetime, he knew that meant the our Savior felt that same pain for him. On top of the huge amounts of pain he suffered for everyone else too. He then asked me if I was the only one in the entire history of human kind to have ever sinned, do I think that Jesus would have suffered and died for me? If I was the only one to ever to sin, would the Savior have bled for me? Yes. He would have. He didn't suffer for the human race as a whole. He suffered for each individual person. He knows each individuals pains and sorrows and he felt that with us. He knew and knows my name and knows every trial I go through that I feel is the worst and most painful trail in the world, and he felt the same way for me. He felt it for everyone.

That being said, I am grateful for so many things I never give real credit to enough. Like the opportunities I am getting through nursing school for one. The things I learn, the patients I take care of, and the experiences of being there to improve another person's life in the little and big ways has completely shifted the way I look at the healthcare system and my future as a healthcare provider. I could not have picked a better calling in life. While there may be many other people around who go into nursing, I can whole heartedly say that this is where I belong. While I could go on for days about other things I'm extremely grateful for, just know that today especially, I appreciate everything, big and small, that I have in my life. I was dealt a far better hand in life than many people and I can never be grateful enough for it all.

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Terrible Habits

I have developed over the last month or so, a ridiculously terrible sleeping habit.  As you can tell as I post this at 2:30 AM.  For some dumb reason, I just cannot sleep at night.  Not one bit, I literally stay up all dang night long.  Which in turn, means I sleep until the day is over.  Usually around 11 AM is when I finally roll out of bed.  I think it's safe to say that I'm not so much a morning person, it takes me a bit to get going.  However, in the slight chance that I do get up early, once I'm up and going I love it!  I hate this sleeping pattern I've gotten myself into and I am determined to get out of it.  I think I'm going to force myself to get out of bed at 8:30 AM by setting my alarm clock and then putting it outside my bedroom door, that way I am forced to get up and out of bed to turn it's ridiculously annoying sound off.  Yep.  It's a done deal.

This week has been a bit of a rough one for me.  Ha, well I'd say a good majority of my weeks are rough, but this week has been exceptionally rough.  I don't want to get into any of the drama that unfolded because most of it I've dealt with now, but it's like it was an every day hit this week.  Hopefully this weekend will be a different story.  My little brother seems to have run into the same kind of patch I am in.  He had this cute little girlfriend for a little while, and something happened and they broke up.  However, they keep talking to each other and I know my brother is a bit torn up about the whole thing.  I feel really bad because I remember what it was like to have that first person you think you love.. it's probably the hardest to get over.  High school can be so tough, and I hate to see him go through a tough time because of the crazy drama that goes on during high school.  I wish there was some way I could protect him, or warn him, or help him.  He's not one to talk to me about his drama- especially love life drama.  But I know.  I know when he is having a really hard day, usually what it is about.  That's just how me and my brother are.. I know him a lot better than I think he knows.  If only he would just include me in his life more, I know I could help him through some rough spots... and I'm sure even though he is only 15, he could help me through some of mine.  I love that kid.

Well friends, it's about time for me to start my late night of sleep, but I figured I would leave you all with one happy little twinge.  I hope everyone else's week has been going better than mine! But I have faith that things for this week are going to turn up, I've got a couple of good looking days ahead of me.  :)  As for my happy note, I though I would venture out and post my first video on the blog tonight! And who better than the star of my life, my cute little (well, technically really big) doggie face, Koda.  In this video, she is on the end of my bed.  I have a memory foam mattress and she has just discovered the joys of the memory foam.  For a while she would jump and press her paws in the foam, then move back and watch because she noticed that the bed would move after she had stepped on it.  Well, after watching for a little while and not being able to figure out why it was moving after she stepped on it, she got frustrated and started digging at it... so naturally, my first reaction is to start recording.  Enjoy! :)

Please note, that every time Koda gets on my bed now she spends time jumping at and digging at the moving memory foam.  Wonderful.

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