The Proposal!

October 13, 2012 at about 6:30 pm my life changed forever.  The man of my dreams finally proposed!  I can't believe it is real, we are really engaged!  Cody and I have had such a rough ride getting to this point.  I think we have endured things through the dating phase that most couples would never have to face.  But I also know that is why we are where we are, that is why we have made it to the point of being engaged.  We have learned to love each other and endure anything we are faced with hand in hand, together.  

Cody told me that Saturday (the 13th) he has planned for us to go to dinner and a haunted house.  We spent the morning playing with our dogs and watching some of our favorite TV shows.  We had planned to go to dinner at 7:30 that night.  At about 3:00 pm Cody told me his uncle was drawing the personal cartoons of people down in City Creek.  I had met his uncle a couple of times before this and knew he was an amazing artist, so I thought this would be a lot of fun!  We once got a cartoonist picture of us done at the State Fair, and I love it!  So I thought it was a great idea to get one done by his uncle who was so good at drawing!

We headed downtown and walked around trying to find the ice cream shop he told me his uncle was set up in.  We finally found it and his uncle was set up with a really cute drawing he had drawn of himself and the chairs and easel.  He was drawing a picture his son and we waited a few minutes while watching him finish up.  Then we sat down to get our pictures done.  :)

It was a little bit awkward to sit there as he was "drawing" us.  He has us smile while he got idea of how we look so he could draw it.  We sat there about 10 minutes and I glanced over at Cody to see what he was doing.  I had seen some kind of flicker behind me and a quickly glanced behind me and saw a crowd of people, but from what I could see, they weren't looking at us and I didn't think very much of it.  Maybe I just assumed it was other people waiting to get a picture drawn, I don't know what I was thinking. 

After about 15 minutes in the chairs, he said he was done and he flipped the picture of us around to see it!  It was so cute of us, I loved it!  But there were these big empty word bubble above our heads and the Cody stood up.  And that's when I knew.  :)

Cody asked his uncle, "What are these bubbles for?"  And his uncle replied "Oh, I figured you could write what you want in them."  Cody then said, "I know what I want to write."  He then turned to me and took my hands and made me stand up.  At that point he looked at me and said "Heather, I love you so much.  We have been through so much to get to where we are today and it has helped me come to know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. *Gets down on one knee and pulls out the most AMAZING ring EVER!*  Heather Rose Stam, will you marry me?"  This is when I see that "crowed waiting for pictures" come in the doors with laughs, huge smiles, flashing cameras, and familiar faces.  I think somewhere during that time I said an awkward and shell shocked yes.  I pulled Cody up into a hug and he put the beautiful ring on my finger! 

After that, I was lucky enough to have friends and family there to hug and love on.  :)  All of Cody's immediate family was there, and four of my best friends from my childhood!  But when I saw my older brother there, he was the one that made me cry.  He definitely got the first hug.  My parents were not there because they don't support my decision to marry Cody.  It's been a struggle for my family and something we will continue to work on.  But to see my older brother there meant so much to me and to hear that my sister-in-law and little brother would have also been there had they not been obligated to work, was such an emotional thing for me.  

After we spent some time taking a lot of pictures and talking with everyone that came, Cody and I went to dinner and a haunted house with my good friend Chelsie and her boyfriend Josh.  It was a lot of fun to be able to spend time with them and do it with a pretty ring on my finger.  Which my bragging rights for my ring comes in here- we got it from J.Brooks Jewelers (S/O to them, they are SO amazing!).  Cody knows the owner of that jeweler so we got a slamming deal on the ring!  My ring has 94 little diamonds in it and 95 with the beautiful 3/4 ct. pear shaped center diamond.  Yes, I love it very much. :)

It's so unreal to be actually engaged now.  It's something that we have been thinking about for quite a while now, but has been such a tough place for us to get to for so many other reasons.  But it really felt like the moment I had a ring on, things changed.  Our commitment to each other became so real and so solidified.  I have always felt very comfortable with Cody's family, but now I felt like real family.  I honestly could not be happier with my decision to marry Cody, and it's been so cute to watch Cody as he has gotten just as excited as I have for this to milestone to happen.  I love Cody so much!!  We have decided to get married in March because that's what works the best with his and my school schedule.  I don't want to get married in December, which is Cody's first school break, because that will be a week or two before I am set to take my NCLEX exam.  So the next break we have is spring break in the fall.  We have the Salt Lake temple scheduled on March 8th (it may change to March 7th because I've learned weekday weddings are so much cheaper than weekend weddings, but we haven't decided for sure quite yet...I will update soon!) so make sure you can come!!

Thanks again to everyone who came out to watch the proposal and take some amazing pictures for us!! We are so happy and I couldn't have a better guy to spend the rest of eternity with!! :)

Pictures for your enjoyment!

My beautiful ring!!

Our picture that we filled in after he proposed.

Although we do have pictures of the real proposal, they are on everyone else's camera still... so this picture was a cheesy reenactment of the proposal, but still cute. :)

My fiance is so cute!!

I'm a dork and was making faces at my friends after standing there so long taking pictures. 

Happily engaged!

Another photo of my amazing ring.  Yes I'm spoiled.

At dinner after the proposal.

Scary house time!! I hate these so much.  But it was a lot of fun!

Our Nightmare pictures.

Thanks Chelsie and Josh for coming with us!  We had fun!

 SAVE THE DATE!  MARCH 7th or 8th IN THE BEAUTIFUL SALT LAKE TEMPLE!! (Haha, I'll let everyone know soon which one.)

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Fall Time!

A crappy picture of our beautiful hike.  Once I steal Cody's camera, I will have much better pictures to show off.

I love fall.  I.  Love.  Fall.  The colors are so beautiful and amazing!  It's funny that I've lived in Utah my whole life and still every time fall comes around I'm amazed at how colorful our mountains turn every fall.  I had an amazing week this week and I got to spend a lot of much needed time with Cody.  I told him earlier in the week that I would like to go up the canyon soon to see the colors and we ended up going to Silver Lake on Saturday and spent time walking around the lake and taking pictures of the beautiful scenery.  We also had a lot of fun helping out Missy Larsen who is running for Salt Lake City county council.  Cody is taking a campaign management class or something like that and he has to help someone with the upcoming elections and he chose her.  I like to go help out because I just want to spend the time with Cody.  We've really enjoyed walking the neighborhoods together because it gives us a lot of time to just talk about life and pick apart what we like and don't like about all of the houses we see.  

This week however, the candidates for election were having a big get together, so we went and helped Missy set up a tent so she could talk to people about why they should vote for her.  Well, turns out we set up our tent right next to this crazy guy who was running for President.  Yep.  President of the United States.  I'd never heard of him, and I still don't remember his name now.  No one knew who he was.  He was crazy!  Running for President of the United States?  Haha.  Cody wasn't as intrigued with him as I was.  This guy had to have something wrong going on up in his head because he was totally serious and was seriously trying to get people to vote for him to become the President.  Oh dear.

This week was also JD's birthday.  I spent time with him and his friend's on his birthday to help celebrate and I had a lot of fun.  It's still not easy.  I don't think it will ever be easy.  But the thing is, regardless of whether JD and I are dating or not, he is one of my very best friends.  We started out as friends.  So it's not difficult to still be friends.  Are feelings always going to be there between us?  Yes.  But those feelings aren't strong enough for me to overcome the feelings I have for Cody.  It's hard and many people don't understand.  This situation has been so tough and I know it's hurt a lot of people in the process, especially me.  But I truly feel I'm doing the right thing.  And sometimes the right thing doesn't necessarily mean it's easy.  The thing about my situation is, no matter what the outcome, it's always painful.  It's especially hard to choose the option that leaves your family not happy with you, telling you you are doing the wrong thing.  It's especially hard when the guy you don't choose to be with is still an amazing, wonderful, beautiful guy in every way.  And it's especially hard when there are a lot of times you feel alone in your decision with no one to talk to.  JD is so great in every way, and he and I have a history that I will never forget.  But I'm ready for this new chapter in my life, even if it means the road getting there will be tough. 

 I wish more than anything I could sit on the couch at night and talk to my mother about how amazing my date was with the man I love, or how we went ring shopping and I love the ring I found, or how sweet he was for surprising me at work with flowers and a note that had all of the other nurses talking about what a wonderful guy I have.  I want to come home and tell her how happy I am and how I want to plan a wedding with her every step of the way.  I want her to go dress shopping with me and pick flowers and colors and decorations.  But, I don't get to do those things.  I don't get to share those things with anyone, really.  My mom isn't sure she wants to be involved at all.  And that's the hardest thing in the world to hear.  I'm her only daughter, and I've always dreamed of the perfect wedding.  But I'm learning more and more as I grow up that perfect doesn't exist as a whole, only in small forms.  And I guess having a perfect wedding where my mother is there every step of the way isn't a part of the perfect piece of my life.  I love my momma.  She loves me very much.  We will come through this.  Maybe not in time for a wedding or engagement or even getting to know the person I love.  But maybe some day.  My mom's not a bad person.  My mom means well in every way.  My mom is a major worry wart, and for good reason at times too.  But she doesn't always need to worry as much as she does.  But as much as it hurts to not have my mom be there and excited for the love I've found in my life, I would rather have my over protective, over worrying, and over sensitive mother than a mother who doesn't care.  My mother cares.  She always will. 

A few weeks ago, it rained really hard and I forced my mom to come out and play in the rain with me.  :)

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To Marry or Not To Marry

Marriage.  Such a scary topic.  Why is this such a scary topic?  Apparently everyone gives you this wonderful idea growing up that getting married was going to be so beautiful and happy and just peachy.  Well, no one told me that it was going to be as painful of a process as it has been. 

I'm getting married.

I'm pretty sure I'm getting married.

Yep.

I am getting married.

You know those super predictable, really cheesy, ridiculous chick flicks where the girl is getting married to the man of her dreams.  She is extremely happy and thinks everything is just perfect.  Then right before the actual marriage part happens, the girl has the guy that has grown up with her, her best friend in the world, the kid next door, come to her and tell her she is making a mistake and that he is in love with her.  He says, "Marry me, not him."

Ya.  Apparently that happens in real life too.  And it's about the worst thing in the world.  If I remember correct, it's about 50/50 where either the girl talks with the best friend and says she loves the other man and is doing the right thing and marries him, or she leaves the man and ends up marrying the best friend.  That whole fact doesn't help my cause either.

It's funny, I've spent a lot of my time writing about Cody and JD.  And many of my blog posts have about 20, 30, 50...sometimes 70 views.  Except the ones in detail about Cody and JD.  For example the one with like 3,219 views.  People love that kind of crap.  And not one of those three thousand people can give me any idea of what they would do?  Come on.  Life is SO unfair.

JD.  We dated 2 years, knew each other our whole lives.  Had everything as close to a perfect relationship as you can get.  Head over heels falling more in love everyday.  Then, he leaves to serve a mission.  But to me, it feels like he died.  He was gone, gone from my life, gone from everything.  I couldn't see him, talk to him, hear him, have anything to do with him.  For two years.  No one will understand how hard that is.  How painful every single moment of every day was.  How big of a heart break I had to mend.  Each day was excruciatingly painful.  Then, he comes home.  Things are alright kinda good for a few months.  Things for him feel the same, but for me...I had mended a broken heart and was now trying to reopen that back up.  It was difficult.  I didn't know what to do.  Each day was a day spent in my room crying, asking for help.  I question our relationship and wonder if it really is the same or has the potential to be the same as it was 2 years ago.  I tell him JD I need some time to figure it out and figure out what my feelings for him still were.  And he disappears again.  And the heartbreak I feel resembles and magnifies the heartbreak I felt before.  Except this time, he was choosing to be away.  I move on, mend another heart break by fully allowing someone else into my heart.  I eventually go to JD to finally announce I am going to be getting married.  And a switch flips.  JD says all of the things I wanted to hear from him when he came home.  He does all of the things and shows all of care he should have from the start.  He tells me I am making the wrong choice, that he will do everything in his power for me to see that I need to be with him.  That he loves me and has always loved me and made a mistake by not showing it the whole time.  He finally comes back, finally the way he was before.  The man I was so deeply in love with was finally here before me.  Now?  Now.  When it's dannnggg near too late.

Cody.  I meet this really fun, cute guy 8 months before JD comes home from his mission.  It's all casual at first, all fun and games.  He knows about JD.  He sees pictures of JD everywhere.  But he's cool and calm and confident.  Things progress, my feelings grow.  But I'm cautious... still keeping everything that has to do with JD around.  Things progress still.  Cody meets the family.  The family is so hard on him because, well, he's not JD.  Still Cody stays calm and confident.  Things progress still.  Things are so wonderful.  But still I keep everything that has to do with JD around.  JD comes home.  I dump Cody on his butt faster than a bullet.  I choose JD.  And regret it sorely.  I'm deeply heartbroken and extremely depressed, even when I'm with JD.   I go back to talk to Cody and he's worse off than I am.  Cody does everything he can to spend a few more seconds with me, including making me drive around with him looking for something that didn't exist to stall for time.  We say, let's try friends.  Things progress still while JD is still in the picture.  The friend idea with Cody doesn't work.  Cody is there for me for everything.  Good days, bad days, emotional days, heartbroken days, happy days, hopeless days, wonderful days, everyday.  Cody endures endless scrutinizing by a never approving biased family.  Cody endures everything that has to do with JD, including now dates and personal time with him.  Still things progress.  Things get tough with JD he disappears and I finally give Cody the commitment he has been patiently waiting for.   Things progress.  Months and months go by.  Things progress a lot.  We fall in love, to the point that I am finally happy again.  I am looking forward to the future instead of being scared.  I trust Cody with my heart and know he will take care of it.  Things progress to the highest of highs.  We talk wedding.  We plan engagement.  We plan everything.  We are weeks away from the happiest time of our lives.  And then JD reappears.  I struggle.  I am once again in pain.  I am afraid of what Cody will think to hear I am struggling all over again.  I tell Cody my difficult feelings, and Cody again is cool, calm, and confident.  He is there to comfort me as I am telling him I have difficult feelings.  He is there to reassure me that everything will be okay and that he loves me more than anything in this world and always will.  Do things still progress this time?

Life is so, so cruel.  Life is so, so unfair.  Life is so, so hard.

I'm so sick of being confused.  I'm so sick of crying.  I'm so sick of having broken hearts.  I'm so sick of searching for my happy ending.  Freaking, let it happen already.  Give me a break already.  Can just like, one thing ever go smoothly for me?  Just one.  That's all I ask.

Please, give me an answer.  Tell me what to do.

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I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz

I was getting ready today listening to wonderful Pandora, and this song came on. And there is so much I could go on to say about this song.  But I'm just going to leave it at, oh my heck it's SOO true.

When I look into your eyes, it's like watching the night sky or a beautiful sunrise.

There's so much they hold. 

And just like them old stars, I see that you've come so far to be right where you are.

How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough.

I'm giving you all my love.

I'm still looking up.

And when your needing your space to do some navigating,

I'll be here patiently waiting to see what you find...

Cause even the stars, they burn.

Some even fall to the earth.

We've got a lot to learn, God knows we're worth it.

No, I won't give up.

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily.

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make.

Our differences, they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we've got, yeah we've got a lot at stake.

And in the end, you're still my friend, at least we did intent for us to work.

We didn't break, we didn't burn, we had to learn how to bend without the world caving in.

I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not.

And who I am.

I won't give up on us even if the skies get rough.

I'm giving you all my love.

I'm still looking up.

I won't give up on us, no I'm not giving up.

God knows I'm tough enough, I am tough, I am loved.

We've got a lot to learn, we're alive, we are loved.

God knows we're worth it, and we're worth it.

I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough.

I'm giving you all my love.

I'm still looking up.

(If you are my friend, I require you to watch this music video and listen to Jason Mraz sing this as wonderfully as he does. )

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Love Comes Once in a Lifetime

It's really not fair, all those fairy tales society provides to small children as they grow up.  I know I have posted about this before, but seriously.  Why do we feed little children with these huge expectations of love when they usually aren't true? Love is so much harder than portrayed.  It's not fair and does not provide proper preparation for the difficult road love truly is.  

When you fall in love, when you truly find that one person you can't live without, what would you really do for them?  Like the fairy tales say, would you give up friends and family you love?  How about run away to the ends of the earth with them?  Would you allow someone of a different background to become part of your life?  Or fight the terrible dragons of life to rescue them?  Would you protect them from any harm of any form?  Is there anything you wouldn't do for the one you deeply love?

Now the tables turn.  How do you believe everything someone tells you?  Does pure love always have perfect trust?  When actions don't match words, which one do you listen to?  The wonderful words that you long to hear, or the actions that contradict everything said.  People say actions speak louder than words.  How true is that really? Maybe none of the things you were once told and promised for so long, never really were true at all... 

If I can, I would like to give the guys out there some advice.  When that one person who pulls your heart strings stronger than anyone ever could, who you know you don't want to nor could you ever live without... it's not something that comes around often.  Don't let it slip away.  What does that mean?  Do everything.  Do something to stand out.  Something that reminds her you are the most important thing in her life, on a daily basis.  I firmly believe in the old fashion values that a man's job is to woo and win a woman's affections.  So if someone does not agree with these statements, I mean to offend no one.  But as for me, letting that person who means everything to you know that you will not and refuse to live without them could change the rest of your life.

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I Said Leave...

Isn't it true though? Isn't this always true?  My cute friend made this picture from a Taylor Swift song and I'm just realizing more and more how real this dumb little lyric line is in my life.  

Two boys.  Two wonderful, amazing, perfect men that I fell so in love with.  Not an ideal situation and I've had so many people tell me it's impossible.  But they are wrong.  Think what you will, but they are wrong.  

I've had experiences with this lyric line with both boys now.  Both boys and it has been such a different experience for both.  What do I do now?  What do I do when the outcome is completely opposite from what I expected?  From what everyone expected?  How can it really be this hard and painful?

Everyone wants that person who will go to the ends of the earth for them.  Who will fight through any battle and be the prince charming who rescues them.  I think every girl needs this experience, it's what really makes the princess fall in love, right?

One boy fights, one boy falls.  One boy does anything he can to be there, to be the person I turn to.  The other backs away and finds other priorities.  One falls in love deeper and stronger with every minute away and the other falls farther and more distant with each passing second.  But what do I do when everyone else around me tells me the one who has fought is the wrong one? 

Everyone thinks they know so well.  Everyone thinks they know the right thing.  Everyone tells me, do this/do that/go here/say that.  Has anyone stopped to think that maybe they are wrong?  

Maybe it's okay to move on.  Maybe moving on and taking a risk is what will bring such greatness.  Maybe all those what if's will disappear and turn into I was so right. 

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What is Love?

The answer to this question can be very different depending on who exactly is answering the question.  Is there one right answer?  To me, love is complicated.  It always has been.  But maybe that's what makes it so great, maybe that terrible fight that always has to be put up is what makes love so worth fighting for, because when you have finally won that battle, there is nothing greater.  I've been in love in my life 3 times up until this point.  Part of me wondered at times if I really was in love all 3 of those times, but I know I was.  Why?  Because love has different degrees and each time I've fallen for someone, it's a much deeper degree than before.  However, the deeper the degree of love, the harder the fight has been to get there.  

What is in store for me next?  I've been in love 3 times, and that is not the end.  From this point on, hopefully #4 will be the one I fall for to the deepest degree possible.  But I know that that also means it will probably be the hardest battle of all of them to get there.  But every single time, it's been far worth it.  The joys have exceeded any pain by miles, and with all the pain and hurt it's taken already, I can already tell the joys are going to be exceeding.  

Falling in love is a process.  It's not a one or two day step.  And it's not a one time thing.  You can love that same person forever, but fall in love with them more than one time.  Some day when I get married, I want to fall in love with that person many times over.  Day in and day out a new battle could come our way, but because of it we will fall in love deeper and deeper.  

So what does it mean to be in love?  There's a lot more to love than you can put down in words.  But for me, and hopefully for the rest of my life, this is the kind of love I want.  These are a few of the attributes I will look for in love. 

• Complete honesty in everything, even when it's not easy.
• Complete trust, which goes along with honesty.  One is not without the other.
• That driving physical attraction, the kind that keeps you constantly touching him, whether it's holding hands, or just a hand on the back.  The kind of physical attraction that nothing can come between the two of you and you will never be seen without the other.
• Constant desire to be together.  The kind of love where everyday is spent together, you don't even have to think about it because it's just automatic.
• The element of surprise.  I want him to show up somewhere to surprise me, and even more important, I want to be thrilled to death that it's one more minute in that day that I get to spend in his presence.
• I want to be silly! I want to laugh at all the dumb things, I want to make jokes that no one else will get but us.  I want to go to a completely boring meeting and be laughing the whole way through it because of him.  I want to go out into the middle of the street and make complete fools of ourselves and feel like we will completely regret it, but know that it's something that we will always talk and laugh about.  I want to laugh, every single day.
• I want to be serious.  I know that contradicts the last one, but I want to be with someone that when I need do something completely serious and not a joking matter at all, I can count on him to help.  When times are hard and I need someone to be the strong one, he can take the weight on his shoulders.
• I need a best friend.  Someone I can tell all my stories to, whether they really truly want to hear them or not.  But someone that will not just listen, but engage in my stories.  Who will ask about them on their own free will, and will want to know the outcomes of things that happen. 
• I want a manly man.  I don't mean necessarily big or tall.  I mean, someone who isn't afraid to stand up for me.  Someone who enjoys all the dude kind of things.  Someone who can take charge, a little bit bossy.  Yes, I am quite the bossy person.  But to have someone I can also count on getting the job done, someone who when I am not motivated or feel up to getting things done, will take care of everything.  Someone with an opinion and is stubborn about it.  It may come as a surprise to some people, but I don't always like being the person in charge.  Sometimes it's nice to sit back and just go with the flow, not worry about details.  I need a man who is capable of being the boss sometimes too.
• Experience.  I obviously need someone who I have experienced hardship with.  I need to know that when a huge trial is thrown our way, we are capable of working through it together.  
• Passion.  I want to feel passionate about the person I am in love with.  There's not a whole lot you can say about this, but you can feel it when the passion is there with every single kiss.
• Unconditional love.  I want to love and be loved so deeply that no matter what happens, even if the worst of the worst was to happen, your love is so deep that you would do anything for that person.  Anything to be with that person.  Not that I think that no matter what would happen, two people would have to stay together... there are certain circumstances that it would be appropriate to part ways.  However, even in circumstances like that, love that is so deep and so strong, that even in times like that, it's all you can do to stay together.  Every possible path is looked at at overcoming anything, even the worst of the worst.
• I want to plan the future without really planning the future with the person I love.  I want to go around and let things slip like, "WHEN we get married" or "that would be cute for OUR kids" or "I really want this for OUR apartment".  Things that solidify the future without consciously thinking about it.  
• Most importantly of all, I want to be happy with each other.  I want to look forward to every single day waking up and seeing that person.  I want to have a smile on my face every time I see him all because I feel so lucky to get to be with him.  I want to brag about him when I am asked about the person I'm dating or married to.  I want to be so excited to get off work and get to spend time with him.  I want to be involved in his life and family, and him to be involved in my life and family also.  I want to feel like things are just right, and they just fit.  I want to wake up one day and say, "This is it.  This is what it is supposed to feel like.  This just feels right, and this is something I am never going to let go." 

Love is so hard.  Love is so painful.  Love is such a struggle.  I've loved before and I love now.  However, I know that I still have some things to work out before I get to that point where I get to wake up and say this is it.  That list up there is just some of the things I want for my future, for my love.  I know getting to the point where I am completely content and happy with my life has been and will continue to be a struggle.  But I know that some day when it's all said and done, someday when I wake up next to my husband and realize I have the biggest smile on my face just because he is next to me, I know a day like that is what is going to make the entire difficult journey of getting there worth it.

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Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Happiness

I was looking at a friend of mine's wedding pictures for the first time the other day. And I love her, yet her pictures made me hate her so much! Her wedding, her pictures, her dress, her ring, her gorgeous husband, her LIFE is just so perfect! How can that be fair at all? How can something so happy and beautiful make me hate her so much? Okay, I don't really hate her but I sure do wish sometimes I could switch lives with her.

I'm sick of my life and the trials that keep on coming. They never let up, I swear I'm bound to be like this forever! Some days, like today, I am a bit more optimistic about things and realize that no matter what trials I am going through, there is someone somewhere who is enduring much worse. But then there are days like yesterday where I just feel so down and there is nothing that can bring me out of it. Some days it feels like all hope for my happiness is lost. I look at my friends who fall in love and get married so easily and it just works and I feel like that will never be me. I'm not saying I won't get married or that things won't work out for me, but I don't understand why everything has to be a huge trial for me. It can't just work. Love, school, work, family, everything goes so wrong before it can go right.

I don't think anyone does or ever will understand everything I've been going through the last six months or so. I have changed so much because life has been thrown at me full speed whether I was ready for it or not. There's many things about these last six months that I would change if I could, yet I don't regret anything either. I've learned from everything I've been put through, big and small. And even though I can't say I'm really a great member of the LDS church, I don't do everything I'm supposed to, and I always struggle relying on the Lord when I know I need to the most, I don't know how I would be able to have a smile on my face every once in a while if I didn't have the knowledge and truth of the church.

How do you decide something that will change the rest of your life? How long does it take to decide something that huge? How long is too long to wait? How do you keep a positive attitude through it all? I wish someone, like a genie, would appear and tell me what I should do. It's not that I can't make a decision for myself, that I am fully capable of. It's that I've never had to make a decision that you can't take back, that will change the outcome of your entire life, and that may cause you extreme sorrow if you choose the wrong thing. It's not that I can't decide. It's that I'm scared to. It's that I don't want to make the wrong decision. It's that I think these things take time, when other people think it should not.

I have finals next week. And a lot of studying to do. And Christmas time is here. Excited, or not? I don't know. I love Christmas time. But this Christmas may be a little different than I was expecting. Everyone expects me to be there for Christmas, yet I don't know where I belong. I think this year, I will spend Christmas by myself. Koda can come too, my dog belongs with me always. Just me and her, Christmas all to ourselves. It's the only place we belong for now!

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Love and Other Drugs

Love is rough.  All of my posts on this blog has seriously talked about how love has been such a rough road for me.  Is it ever going to be a happy ending for me?  Where is that fairy tale that we teach our children all about?  We are setting them up for failure.  I mean, we say someday this amazing wonderful prince charming will show up in your life out of the blue and it will be love at first sight.  You guys will get married right after and you will live happily ever after.  Well.  I'm here to tell you, that is BULL freaking CRAP.  I think it's an unwritten rule that your heart has to be ripped out, thrown on the ground, stomped on 10 times, picked up, put through the shredder front ways and back ways, and then scattered all over different parts of the world so that you have to go searching for every tiny piece before you can even begin to put it carefully back together.  Then, MAYBE then, you will find love.  

Is it possible to truly die from a broken heart?  Because if not, I think I may be about as close as close gets. My heart is about the hardest thing to read ever.  Everyone says, follow your heart.  Okay.... well where are the instructions on how to interpret what you heart is trying to tell you?  Following your heart is a lot easier said than done.  Because my heart doesn't even know what it wants, let alone my mind.

I want my happy ending.  I want my happily ever after.  But the pain I feel from the journey of getting there makes it feel like it will never come.  My favorite time of my days is when I sleep.  At least right now, my dreams are all happy.  All about happy times, and happy experiences.  I wake up and lay in bed longer with my eyes close and try and trick my body into thinking I am still asleep so I can continue to live those dreams.  Why am I so scared of making those dreams my reality?  Maybe this is my way of getting cold feet.  Maybe this is my I'm freaking out before a huge life change moment.  If so, I'd have to say I'm about the worst at cold feet experiences there is.  Today it feels like love is my drug.  You take part in it because it makes you feel good for the time being, however in the long run it is doing you more harm than good.  I know that in the case of love, that really isn't true.  But that's sure what it feels like right now.

I've been listening to your rap music I always hated so much.  Not because I like it now, but because it reminds me so much of you.
And I brushed my teeth in the shower today. Odd.
Oh, the things I do to feel even remotely close to you.

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Change

Change is so hard to get used to.  I never really understood those certain people that have an actual change-phobia because most of the time, change usually brings about something positive.  At least for me that's the way it's usually gone.  So many changes I've dealt with were such happy times for me.  Like graduating high school, starting nursing school, living on my own, getting my cute Koda... the list goes on.  All of these things were huge changes that drastically effected the rest of my life.  And they have all been such wonderful moments in my life that has helped define who I am today.

However, lately not all changes for me have been so wonderful though.  For instance, one big one was JD leaving on his mission.  Up until that point, he and I were together every minute of our every day.  He was my everything.  And I had to go from knowing everything about him, being with him daily, and talking to him every minute to not seeing him at all for two years, not ever knowing what is going on with him, and hardly getting to talk at all.. at best, through letters.  It was a huge change, a change that was probably one of the hardest ones I've been through.  Not every relationship gets put through a trial like that one.  And not many relationships can survive something like that.  As for JD and I's relationship, I don't know where we stand in that aspect because I had another life change while he was gone.  I met someone else and fell in love.  

Meeting Cody has been such a bitter sweet change for me.  He has been so wonderful and has treated me the way every girl wants to be treated.  He brings me flowers way more than he should.  He spoils me at every chance he can get.  He was raised by a house full of women, so he definitely knows how to treat a woman.  My favorite thing to watch is when he plays with his niece.  Even though he didn't have a dad to grow up with and teach him how to be the right kind of father, I know someday he will be the best father there is just by watching the way he is with his niece. He is by far my best friend on the planet, we laugh at everything together! He makes me so happy, I feel like a little kid again when I am with him because we just enjoy each other so much.  I fell in love with Cody so hard and so fast that I don't even know when he had the time or strength to catch me, but he did.  The reason the change he brought into my life by meeting me was a bitter sweet one is because while everything is so perfect with Cody, I knew that that meant it couldn't also be perfect with JD in two years.  I knew that falling for someone like I did for Cody was going to make everything so much more difficult.  

You blink, and two years goes by.  You wouldn't believe it at the beginning, everyone always told me two years flies by and I thought they were all crazy.  But they were right.  I wish I had more time than I do now before another huge change hits.  JD comes home from his mission in three weeks.  I don't know when or how this happened, and I don't know how to be ready for it.  What do you do in a situation like mine?  What happens when the boy you loved your whole life leaves so suddenly it breaks your heart completely.  Then you take a chance on one brave person who puts up with more ridicule, glares, snide remarks, gossip, and pure hatred that anyone should ever have to be put through just to be near you, and through it all you fall in love.  Then, the boy you loved your entire life returns to you, this time a man.  That's a situation I do not know how to handle or what to do with.  I don't know how anyone could handle something like that.

Everyone constantly asks, "What are you going to do when JD comes home?"  I do not have an answer for this question.  Am I thrilled and excited and so happy to see JD in three weeks?  Absolutely.  However, am I totally and completely freaked out, and try not to cry from being so scared scared about it on a daily basis?  Yep.  I don't have any more answers than the next person.  I know this is going to be probably one of the hardest times in my life.  I know that people are going to get hurt badly, let alone I will hurt regardless of what happens.  I also know that I and so many others make this into such a bigger deal than it needs to be.  So what am I going to do?  What is my plan?  Nothing.  That's all.  Just nothing.  Except pray.  And try not to put so much stress on myself about it that I explode.  Keyword = try.  I am young.  I have time to figure my life out and am in no rush to find a quick answer to anything.  When it comes, it comes and I will know.  But for now, I will continue to live my life the way I am, be thrilled to see JD again finally after two years, and continue my wonderful relationship with Cody.  Things have a way of working themselves out.  One thing I learned at my first clinical rotation for nursing school from a cute lady who was born in 1914... "A watched pot never boils."  Once I stop expecting I will know exactly what to do, that's when I will finally figure it out.   

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Attitude

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone tries to be a tattle tail (sp?).  But even worse, when that tattle tail is in a professional work setting.  I mean, come on! I am dealing with drama, as you can tell.  Sometimes, most of the time, I feel like my life is one big soap opera.  Work has been the main event for me lately.  I wish I could go on and on and just let everything I have been feeling about work out right now, but you never know who is going to read this and I don't want to get in trouble with the wrong person for what I say.  So I'll just leave it at, holy drama.  

Next, my dating is life more complicated than it can possibly get.  I am dating an amazing, wonderful, GREAT guy that I am absolutely crazy and in love with.  Think that should be the end of the story right there, right?  Wrong.  My missionary comes home in one month and twenty days.  My relationship with him before he left was as strong and perfect as a relationship can get.  So yes, while I know how strongly I feel about the guy I am dating right now, it is very difficult to allow myself to forget completely about my missionary when there was that huge connection that really never ended.  Sending a missionary off isn't like breaking up because you don't have that confirmation that things will not be the same anymore.  When you send a missionary off, you are basically saying, I love you, I want to be with you, but I know I can't so I'll see you in two years and we'll see where we both are at in life and how we feel.  Personally, that is such an unfair place to leave a relationship at.  How is someone supposed to completely move on and love again when there is that dot, dot, dot to the last relationship they were in?  You don't ever want to move on and then always wonder what would have happened.  Dating while my missionary has been gone has been the best decision I have made.  Yes, it has made everything a million times more complicated.  Yes, it has caused a lot of stress and extreme worry in my family, and all other families involved.  And yes, sometimes I wonder what the heck I have gotten myself into because I don't know where to go from here.  BUT.  I have enjoyed myself and learned.  I have made mistakes and learned from them and because of them, I am stronger in myself, my testimony, and have gained more confidence in myself and what I want for my future.  I know there is pain ahead in dealing with and figuring out a solution to the choices I have ahead of me, but I can't worry about it because it will work out in the right time and there is no need to fear what I have ahead of me.  I read a quote the other day and I wrote it down and hung it in my bathroom so that I can see it every day I get ready.  I really like the quote because it reminds me that no matter what goes on around me, or what happens in my life, it is up to me to decide how I want to handle it and how I want to feel regardless.  Here it is:

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.  Attitude to me is more important that facts.  It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do.  It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.  It will make or break an athletic team, company, organization, church, or a home.  The remarkable thing is that we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  We cannot change the regrets of the past nor do we need to fear the events of the future.  Regret and fear are twin thieves who would rob us of the thing we have control over, that is our attitude.  We need to learn to go into the arena every day with a winning attitude and enjoy the challenges it brings.  I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.  And so it is with you ....... we are in charge of our attitudes."  -Charles Swindoll

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Koda and Life

Well basically it's been a lifetime and a half since I have updated this blog once again.  I go through phases of whether or not I want to keep writing on it, but I love reading other people's blogs so I figure I better keep mine up so I can keep reading other's also.  Life is constantly changing in drastic ways for me.  It's hard to believe that the life I am living right now is actually my life.  Where did all my stability go? Everything is in constant motion.  Well I guess I will start at the top. 

I got into nursing school at Broadview University.  It is an accelerated private program and it has been great so far.  It's a lot of work, a lot of homework to be exact, but so far so good.  I should be finished in about December of 2012, and I cannot wait for that day! To be an RN and to make some good money instead of being a boring, old CNA would be great!

Next, my missionary.  He is always a topic of my conversation, a headline in my mind.  Waiting for a missionary is tortureous, terrible work.  I DO NOT EVER recommend it for anyone.  Just don't do it.  As for me, it is a constant up and down rollercoaster.  I love that guy in Kentucky, I know I do. But it's so difficult to know exactly how you feel when you haven't seen, let alone really talked to someone in 18 months.  SO difficult.  It is such a scary process and there is never peace of mind.  Especially when I am home seeing so many friends that I have known had missionaries they were waiting for, whose missionary came home and it was so different and didn't work out, or the missionary wrote her off!  I can't tell you how many times I've seen it happen here. Now, I know J.D. would never write me off.  I know that.  But it's scary to think about how it will be when he gets home.  Willl things be the same between us?  Or will it feel totally awkward?  I was actually able to talk to J.D. for the first time on Mother's Day this year.  Not only that, but I was able to Skype with him!  I got to see his face and talk with him at the same time.  Against the rules?  Who knows.  Maybe, maybe not.  I don't freaking care.  It had been so, so long and it was well past time for it.  Talking with him was great, and it actually did feel very normal.  So that gives me confidence that things will be just the same when he gets home.  But it's still something you never stop worrying about.

Now.  Complication #1.  Dating.  Yes, I have been dating since J.D. has been gone.  Yes, there have been some amazing guys in my life, no one that I have actually seen much reason to worry about as far as J.D. and I though.  Until now.  I met this guy who is absolutely amazing in every way.  I spend a lot of time with him and I have grown so close with him that he really is a big part of my life.  The scariest part of it all, is that I could see myself being with him forever, and I would be extremely happy! He knows how to treat a woman, he has been through a lot in his life, he is very driven and ambitious, and he has become one of my very best friends.  I have not kept J.D. in the dark about this guy, yes he knows.  Yes, he hates it but he is also understanding at the same time.  Dating is a process that needed to happen while J.D. was gone.  Things will all work out the way they are supposed to.  I know that I am putting myself in a situation that will end in hurt, no matter the outcome.  Either J.D. will hurt, or this guy will hurt badly.  And in either case I will hurt badly.  Not to mention the hurt that it puts on families in all parties.  But, I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and if that is true then God will not let me get into a situation that I or anyone else cannot handle.  Pain is a part of the experience of finding the person you are going to be with forever, and it is a necessary and crucial part.  I have learned from every painful experience I have been put through.  And I am not alone in figuring out where I am supposed to be in this decision making process.  As scary as it all can be, God is on my side and will help me through it.

Now, on a happier note.  I have a new addition to my family.  Her name is Koda, and she is a beautiful all white Siberian Husky that has one baby blue eye and one brown eye that has a line of blue in it.  She is about 3 months old now, and she is the love of my life! My goodness, puppies can absolutely suck sometimes, Koda sure knows how to get into everything, and destroy it all! But once I got a cage for her to be in when I'm not home, it has improved greatly.  She has a lot of energy and takes away a lot of my own energy, but she is a lot of fun and I love her to death. 

Well, I think that's about all I'm going to say for now.  I will work on keeping this updated a little better for my own sake, who knows who reads this.  But it's always fun to look back upon and laugh about the good times in my life. :)

Koda on the first day I got her, 7 weeks old.

First day that Koda's ears stood up!

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Love Is a Battlefield

I think the title is enough explanation in itself.  Dating and falling in love is a such a scary process.  You can meet someone and be entirely entraced by them, and then the next thing you know things are completely different.  But I guess that's all in the name of love. I guess though, if we didin't have such lows when it comes to love, that you also wouldn't feel as much of a high as you do when you find it.  Love isn't meant to last forever with everyone, however I don't think that doesn't mean you didn't love them at some point. There is that person that you meet where that love with them is going to last forever, survive through every trial it is put through, and only grow stronger because of it.  But there are other loves that come in life just to teach you.  Teach you something about yourself, teach you something about life, maybe just to teach you something about love itself.  I personally have had a few different occasions in my where I have loved and gotten hurt, or hurt another. And of course it is hard, it can make you bitter and make you tell yourself that you are taking yourself out of the game of love completely.  However, when I think back on everything I have been through, I don't regret nor would I take back one single second of everything that has happened in my life.  Pain and happiness of love has made me who I am today.  Love is a learning experience, that you can only learn as you go.  Me personally, I'm still in love with the boy that I liked in 3rd grade.  Maybe he is the one for me whose love will stand the test of time.  But for now, it's not something I am going to worry about.  Love comes around in it's own time.  Whether that is tomorrow, or two years spent apart.. only God will know.  :)

Favorite song about Love at this moment in time..

Read the words and listen to their meaning.

I've capitalized my favorite parts of this song. I love it.

"Live Like We're Dying" by Kris Allen

Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up

We're hiding behind skin that's too tough

HOW COME WE DON'T SAY I LOVE YOU ENOUGH?

TILL IT'S TOO LATE, IT'S NOT TOO LATE

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come

And we could make a feast from these crumbs

And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun

So if your life flashed before you, what would you wish you would've done?

Yeah, we gotta start looking at the hand of the time we've been given

If this is all we got, then we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We've only got 86-400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them while we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

AND IF YOUR PLANE FELL OUT OF THE SKIES

WHO WOULD YOU CALL WITH YOUR LAST GOODBYES?

SHOULD BE SO CAREFUL WHO WE LEFT OUT OF OUR LIVES

AND WHEN WE LONG FOR ABSOLUTION, THERE WILL BE NO ONE ON THE LINE

You never know a good thing till it's gone

You never see a crash till it's head on

Why do we think we're right when we're dead wrong?

You never know a good thing till it's gone

Yeah, gotta start looking at the hands of the time we've been given

If this is all we got, then we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We've only got 86-400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them while we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying.

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