Married = New Blog!

I'm getting married in 6 days.

6 days!!!!

Marriage brings a lot of change.

One of those changes include a blog with two names.  His and mine.  Together.

It's not official until it's "blog-ficial".

I'm going to make this blogficial before I get married.

SO.  Please, if you would like to get the scoop on the soon to be Jenkins family, head on over to...

www.codyheatherjenkins.blogspot.com

Come follow me, for soon this single life blog shall die.

:)

6 days guys.

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To Marry or Not To Marry

Marriage.  Such a scary topic.  Why is this such a scary topic?  Apparently everyone gives you this wonderful idea growing up that getting married was going to be so beautiful and happy and just peachy.  Well, no one told me that it was going to be as painful of a process as it has been. 

I'm getting married.

I'm pretty sure I'm getting married.

Yep.

I am getting married.

You know those super predictable, really cheesy, ridiculous chick flicks where the girl is getting married to the man of her dreams.  She is extremely happy and thinks everything is just perfect.  Then right before the actual marriage part happens, the girl has the guy that has grown up with her, her best friend in the world, the kid next door, come to her and tell her she is making a mistake and that he is in love with her.  He says, "Marry me, not him."

Ya.  Apparently that happens in real life too.  And it's about the worst thing in the world.  If I remember correct, it's about 50/50 where either the girl talks with the best friend and says she loves the other man and is doing the right thing and marries him, or she leaves the man and ends up marrying the best friend.  That whole fact doesn't help my cause either.

It's funny, I've spent a lot of my time writing about Cody and JD.  And many of my blog posts have about 20, 30, 50...sometimes 70 views.  Except the ones in detail about Cody and JD.  For example the one with like 3,219 views.  People love that kind of crap.  And not one of those three thousand people can give me any idea of what they would do?  Come on.  Life is SO unfair.

JD.  We dated 2 years, knew each other our whole lives.  Had everything as close to a perfect relationship as you can get.  Head over heels falling more in love everyday.  Then, he leaves to serve a mission.  But to me, it feels like he died.  He was gone, gone from my life, gone from everything.  I couldn't see him, talk to him, hear him, have anything to do with him.  For two years.  No one will understand how hard that is.  How painful every single moment of every day was.  How big of a heart break I had to mend.  Each day was excruciatingly painful.  Then, he comes home.  Things are alright kinda good for a few months.  Things for him feel the same, but for me...I had mended a broken heart and was now trying to reopen that back up.  It was difficult.  I didn't know what to do.  Each day was a day spent in my room crying, asking for help.  I question our relationship and wonder if it really is the same or has the potential to be the same as it was 2 years ago.  I tell him JD I need some time to figure it out and figure out what my feelings for him still were.  And he disappears again.  And the heartbreak I feel resembles and magnifies the heartbreak I felt before.  Except this time, he was choosing to be away.  I move on, mend another heart break by fully allowing someone else into my heart.  I eventually go to JD to finally announce I am going to be getting married.  And a switch flips.  JD says all of the things I wanted to hear from him when he came home.  He does all of the things and shows all of care he should have from the start.  He tells me I am making the wrong choice, that he will do everything in his power for me to see that I need to be with him.  That he loves me and has always loved me and made a mistake by not showing it the whole time.  He finally comes back, finally the way he was before.  The man I was so deeply in love with was finally here before me.  Now?  Now.  When it's dannnggg near too late.

Cody.  I meet this really fun, cute guy 8 months before JD comes home from his mission.  It's all casual at first, all fun and games.  He knows about JD.  He sees pictures of JD everywhere.  But he's cool and calm and confident.  Things progress, my feelings grow.  But I'm cautious... still keeping everything that has to do with JD around.  Things progress still.  Cody meets the family.  The family is so hard on him because, well, he's not JD.  Still Cody stays calm and confident.  Things progress still.  Things are so wonderful.  But still I keep everything that has to do with JD around.  JD comes home.  I dump Cody on his butt faster than a bullet.  I choose JD.  And regret it sorely.  I'm deeply heartbroken and extremely depressed, even when I'm with JD.   I go back to talk to Cody and he's worse off than I am.  Cody does everything he can to spend a few more seconds with me, including making me drive around with him looking for something that didn't exist to stall for time.  We say, let's try friends.  Things progress still while JD is still in the picture.  The friend idea with Cody doesn't work.  Cody is there for me for everything.  Good days, bad days, emotional days, heartbroken days, happy days, hopeless days, wonderful days, everyday.  Cody endures endless scrutinizing by a never approving biased family.  Cody endures everything that has to do with JD, including now dates and personal time with him.  Still things progress.  Things get tough with JD he disappears and I finally give Cody the commitment he has been patiently waiting for.   Things progress.  Months and months go by.  Things progress a lot.  We fall in love, to the point that I am finally happy again.  I am looking forward to the future instead of being scared.  I trust Cody with my heart and know he will take care of it.  Things progress to the highest of highs.  We talk wedding.  We plan engagement.  We plan everything.  We are weeks away from the happiest time of our lives.  And then JD reappears.  I struggle.  I am once again in pain.  I am afraid of what Cody will think to hear I am struggling all over again.  I tell Cody my difficult feelings, and Cody again is cool, calm, and confident.  He is there to comfort me as I am telling him I have difficult feelings.  He is there to reassure me that everything will be okay and that he loves me more than anything in this world and always will.  Do things still progress this time?

Life is so, so cruel.  Life is so, so unfair.  Life is so, so hard.

I'm so sick of being confused.  I'm so sick of crying.  I'm so sick of having broken hearts.  I'm so sick of searching for my happy ending.  Freaking, let it happen already.  Give me a break already.  Can just like, one thing ever go smoothly for me?  Just one.  That's all I ask.

Please, give me an answer.  Tell me what to do.

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Change

Change is so hard to get used to.  I never really understood those certain people that have an actual change-phobia because most of the time, change usually brings about something positive.  At least for me that's the way it's usually gone.  So many changes I've dealt with were such happy times for me.  Like graduating high school, starting nursing school, living on my own, getting my cute Koda... the list goes on.  All of these things were huge changes that drastically effected the rest of my life.  And they have all been such wonderful moments in my life that has helped define who I am today.

However, lately not all changes for me have been so wonderful though.  For instance, one big one was JD leaving on his mission.  Up until that point, he and I were together every minute of our every day.  He was my everything.  And I had to go from knowing everything about him, being with him daily, and talking to him every minute to not seeing him at all for two years, not ever knowing what is going on with him, and hardly getting to talk at all.. at best, through letters.  It was a huge change, a change that was probably one of the hardest ones I've been through.  Not every relationship gets put through a trial like that one.  And not many relationships can survive something like that.  As for JD and I's relationship, I don't know where we stand in that aspect because I had another life change while he was gone.  I met someone else and fell in love.  

Meeting Cody has been such a bitter sweet change for me.  He has been so wonderful and has treated me the way every girl wants to be treated.  He brings me flowers way more than he should.  He spoils me at every chance he can get.  He was raised by a house full of women, so he definitely knows how to treat a woman.  My favorite thing to watch is when he plays with his niece.  Even though he didn't have a dad to grow up with and teach him how to be the right kind of father, I know someday he will be the best father there is just by watching the way he is with his niece. He is by far my best friend on the planet, we laugh at everything together! He makes me so happy, I feel like a little kid again when I am with him because we just enjoy each other so much.  I fell in love with Cody so hard and so fast that I don't even know when he had the time or strength to catch me, but he did.  The reason the change he brought into my life by meeting me was a bitter sweet one is because while everything is so perfect with Cody, I knew that that meant it couldn't also be perfect with JD in two years.  I knew that falling for someone like I did for Cody was going to make everything so much more difficult.  

You blink, and two years goes by.  You wouldn't believe it at the beginning, everyone always told me two years flies by and I thought they were all crazy.  But they were right.  I wish I had more time than I do now before another huge change hits.  JD comes home from his mission in three weeks.  I don't know when or how this happened, and I don't know how to be ready for it.  What do you do in a situation like mine?  What happens when the boy you loved your whole life leaves so suddenly it breaks your heart completely.  Then you take a chance on one brave person who puts up with more ridicule, glares, snide remarks, gossip, and pure hatred that anyone should ever have to be put through just to be near you, and through it all you fall in love.  Then, the boy you loved your entire life returns to you, this time a man.  That's a situation I do not know how to handle or what to do with.  I don't know how anyone could handle something like that.

Everyone constantly asks, "What are you going to do when JD comes home?"  I do not have an answer for this question.  Am I thrilled and excited and so happy to see JD in three weeks?  Absolutely.  However, am I totally and completely freaked out, and try not to cry from being so scared scared about it on a daily basis?  Yep.  I don't have any more answers than the next person.  I know this is going to be probably one of the hardest times in my life.  I know that people are going to get hurt badly, let alone I will hurt regardless of what happens.  I also know that I and so many others make this into such a bigger deal than it needs to be.  So what am I going to do?  What is my plan?  Nothing.  That's all.  Just nothing.  Except pray.  And try not to put so much stress on myself about it that I explode.  Keyword = try.  I am young.  I have time to figure my life out and am in no rush to find a quick answer to anything.  When it comes, it comes and I will know.  But for now, I will continue to live my life the way I am, be thrilled to see JD again finally after two years, and continue my wonderful relationship with Cody.  Things have a way of working themselves out.  One thing I learned at my first clinical rotation for nursing school from a cute lady who was born in 1914... "A watched pot never boils."  Once I stop expecting I will know exactly what to do, that's when I will finally figure it out.   

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