When You Dream, Dream Big

I love the new year that comes around because it really gives you a chance to start fresh and this year, I need that more than ever.  Life is so hard as an adult.  Everyone says it's so much better once you are out of high school, but I say enjoy high school while you can because once you are out, there's real life to answer to.  

Things this year, 2012, haven't started off too hot.  As everyone knows, my love situation isn't the greatest. I have two amazing guys in my life right now and I don't know what to do, nor what is right for me.  I've been trying to kind of take a step back to look at everything as a whole, but that hasn't been real easy for me.  I've spent a lot of time praying and searching out things.  I've started reading a manual for institute about eternal marriage.  Sounds a little cheesy I know, but it really has some amazing stuff in it.  It complies together all the talks from apostles that have anything to do with dating, relationships, and marriage.  There is literally every topic about love covered in this book and it has given me a lot of good insight on how this decision I'm facing can be difficult for many people, I'm not the only one.  I even spent some time discussing this situation with my bishop, and my home ward bishop.  My home ward bishop knows I've been struggling with this for a while and he's always been so concerned about how I'm doing.  He had a dream about me the other week and wrote it all down quickly as he woke up.  Then he asked me to spend a little time talking to him about it a few days later, and I can just say, the Lord is truly looking out for me.  For some person who doesn't know me very well to be inspired to give me the advice he gave me through inspiration through a dream is just incredible.  He basically gave me a list of detailed questions to go through and ask myself about my relationships.  Some of the things I'd though of before, but others never even crossed my mind and it was so good to think about! It's really put me into a deep thought/prayer process lately.

Well, on top of all that happening, one of my Mr. Amazing's-Cody- came to me Jan. 1st and told me that he could not handle being in this situation anymore and wanted out.  It was a bit of a surprise to me and it definitely hurt, but I can't say I have hard feelings over it.  I would not want to be in this situation, and the fact that anyone has stuck around through it all just for me doesn't make sense to me at all.  Being in a position now where I love two people but only have one of them in my life has been really difficult.  It's definitely put me more in a thinking mode than I was already in, an analyzing everything mode.  It's made me more aware of my relationship with JD, who is around in my life right now, good and the bad.  But it's also made me think about Cody a lot.  I can't help but wonder why exactly he wanted this, with knowing full well that JD would still be in my life.  It's almost like he is handing me over to him and saying I give up.  Is that what he is really saying?  What do I think about all this?  Also, I know full well that this means he is going to date other people.  It's so hard because these two guys are so different when it comes to this topic.  JD doesn't date other people easily, and I may be wrong, but I think it's because it's hard for him to be around another girl.  It's been him and I for so long, that someone else just doesn't quite fit.  While sometimes it would be easier for JD to go date other people, it also makes me feel very special to him that being with another girl is such an effort.  It is good to know that I mean that much to him.  Where on the flip side, it's very different for Cody.  He is very much so a ladies man.  And not that I'm saying he doesn't care about me as much as JD does, but it is very easy for him to go out with another girl.  I mean, we technically have broken up twice now, and both times, one or two days after it happens, he has other girls writing on his Facebook wall or he mentions something to me about a date he went on.  I understand he is trying to protect himself but at the same time, it kills me sometimes that it's so easy for him to just be with other girls, have them publicly write things to him where I would no doubt see, and just be out there on the market like it's something he looks forward to because so many girls are always into him.  And so quickly too?  I don't know, keep in mind the fact that I said earlier that I am in an overanalyzing mode right now.  There are many other things though that drive me nuts, like how when I get in a hyper crazy mood- which I tend to think is a lot of fun- JD thinks and tells me I'm annoying and gets really bothered.  Whereas whenever I was in this mood with Cody, he absolutely loved it and fed off of my energy.. most the time he could top it too lol. He would always say, I love it when you get in this mood.  He would try to convince me to take 5 hour energy's together so that we could get in that mood together because of how much fun we would have.  

So for now, Cody isn't really in my life.  He says he wants to be a part of my life if I come to the conclusion that I am ready to just be with him.  And if that never happens, he understands.  I guess it's my time to really figure things out.

 It's so difficult to talk about "making a decision" like this for me, because I feel like I'm so young and there's nothing wrong with dating many different people.  Yes, I know that means I would need to add more people other than just JD and Cody in the mix, but if that means I don't lose two people I want in my life right now until I do know what I want, then that's a no brainer for me.  I don't know what is going to happen with Cody not wanting to talk to or see me unless I decide to give myself completely to him.. plus adding on that he is already dating other girls.  But I guess I will just continue what I'm doing, continue learning and praying and having faith that something will come my way to help me make my decision.  For now, I'm going to make my list of New Year's Resolutions, stick to those, and continue on with my life.  I'm determined that 2012 will be a better year for me, and I don't care what it takes to get there.  

My list of resolutions:

1. Pray morning and night- get to know my Heavenly Father.

2. Read the Book of Mormon.

3. Be better about paying my tithing on time.

4. Always stand in holy places- even when it's not easy to.

5. Work hard in school- shoot for all A's!

6. Go to bed earlier during the week, no matter when I have things the next day.

7. Improve my relationships with my girl friends- friends that don't require a little extra on the side. 

8. Write in my journal more- at least twice a week- someday I may have kids that struggle and for them to see the things I've struggled with also.. well, maybe it just might help a little.

9. Choose everyday the way I want my day to go and set that attitude- attitude is everything- and don't let the small bumps in the road turn into craters- let the little things go.

10. Find true happiness.

That's quite a list, I know.  But when you dream, dream big right?  I wrote all my resolutions around the border of my mirror in my bathroom since I have a date with that mirror every single morning before my day starts.  With everything I've been through in 2011, I'm more than ready to adopt all of these resolutions this year.  

These aren't just my 2012 goals, this are goals I want to adopt for life.  

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Spirit of Christmas

In light of all the stress I've been under lately, life has been pretty good! I finally finished my classes today, and even though I wasn't sure it was possible, I did well on my Pharmacology final and passed that class! Man, that teacher was tough, and I've got her for Pharm 2 next quarter too! Oh well, at least I'm learning my drugs! 

I've spent a lot of time the last few days shopping for Christmas stuff.  It's been kinda fun to go around and get things for everyone, but at the same time it frustrates the heck out of me.  Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas- I'm no Scrooge.  But, is it really necessary to go out a spend all this money on a bunch of things that no one really needs?  I understand the excitement of it all, but I see all the presents under the tree and I can't help but think, is there anything under that tree that any of us really NEEDS?  Probably not.  People use this time to go spend a lot more money than they need to on a lot of dumb things that people are going to forget about in a few months.  

I really was hoping this season I could find somewhere to volunteer or help out at during this time.  A few months ago I was able to volunteer with my nursing school group at an awesome cafe downtown that cooks all organic, yummy food!  They have a suggested price for their food, but you pay what you can, even if it is nothing.  As long as people do what they can to give back, whether that's donating money or donating time and service, they can eat the amazing food they cook!  It was so great to help out, just for the sake of doing something nice.  However, it was quite a bit of work to get it all set up to volunteer there!  I would love to volunteer for the Christmas season, except there aren't very many places that let you walk in and just give your time.  Now days, it's like getting a job.  You have to go through an entire process of applying and interviewing, setting up scheduled shifts, and having extensive background done.  Not that that is a problem, it just is something that takes a long time to get set up.  So if anyone knows of or sees a volunteering opportunity that is a lot easier than that, let me know! 

I went and saw the house in Herriman that they created from the movie Up.  It literally looks like it was straight out of the movie, it's totally awesome!  It closes to the public on Dec. 31st because someone bought it and is going to live in it!  So everyone should go see it while they can, but make sure you watch the movie first!

Life is good.  :)

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The Road Home

Over the last two years, I have accrued a lot of friends who have sent out a boyfriend on a mission.  Mainly because I went looking for those girls who were in the same crappy situation I was in two years ago so that we could maybe talk about this process and help each other through it.  Let me remind you that in no way, shape, or form do I want anyone else to go through what I have gone through the last two years in sending my boyfriend off and away to serve a mission.  Was it the best thing he and I have ever done?  Yes.  Was it the worst thing he and I have ever done?  YES.

I don't think I have fully given credit to the entire situation that has happened to me and the boy I called my missionary.  We had the best relationship a couple could ask for before he left.  We knew we would be together without a doubt, hence the decision I made to "wait" for him.  I had no idea really how hard that was really going to be.  Two years is a lifetime when you are counting every minute of it down.  

Obviously, if you have read more of my blog, you know that my "waiting" for my missionary was much less than ideal.  I decided less than halfway through that I was going to date other people, and while I do not regret that decision one bit, it did make everything difficult.  It was all fine and dandy until I met a boy who changed my world completely, and sadly enough, made me forget the plans and promises that particular missionary and I had together.  Yes, I was honest with the missionary about everything going on, and he knew full well coming home that things were not the same because I also had someone else in my life now.  And as much as I would love to say things are all figured out now with that, they most definitely aren't.  They are still as complicated as ever.  Many days I have a minor meltdown about the whole situation and have no idea how to get myself out of this huge hole.  BUT.  It will all be alright.  It will get figured out.  It may take time, and lots of effort, but a solution will come around.  

I did however, want to express my feelings about this whole two year process I have gone through recently.  My advice to girls who are just entering this really difficult thing always used to be, don't do it.  But at the same time, I understand what it is like to be in love and feel like you will give anything and everything for that person, even if it means to be apart for two years.  If you are getting into this spot I was in, or are just starting out, here is my quick two cents from someone having been through the entire process.  Prepare yourself for hurt, first of all.  A little harsh, I know.  But it's not easy, and you have to accept that from day one.  There will be many days you will feel like this is the worst decision you guys ever made.  But it's not.  Second, date other people.  It is so, SO needed while the person you love is away the way they are when serving a mission.  Not only do you really find out what you want in your future, but it gets your mind off of how crappy your circumstances are at the time.  Don't be afraid to have fun!  It really is okay, regardless of what anyone else says.  However, one thing I would add, don't let yourself get serious with anyone while that missionary is still out serving.  It is very difficult not to convince yourself that he will never come home.  But the truth is, he will come home, and it will be sooner than you think.  Date, yes.  But hold off being serious because that can change everything and if the person you meet while your missionary is gone really does want to be with you, they will wait until you are ready for things to progress.  Lastly, enjoy the time!  Enjoy writing letters and sending packages.  Enjoy the fact that you get a fresh start with a guy you fell madly in love with.  Enjoy growing together, and learning together, and just experiencing the whole mission together.  JD's mission felt like just as much my mission as it did his.  Yes, our experiences were different, but we both went through the whole two years, and we both went through an entire process together. 

My missionary has been home a month now.  It has been the biggest roller coaster now than the entire time apart we had.  We've had the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows.  I wake up and still don't believe myself that he is here.  I imagined this, dreamed of this for two years and now he is here.  I believe my fairy tale ending will come eventually.  Maybe it won't be with my missionary, maybe it will.  That I do not know.  But I do know that when sending a boyfriend on a mission, if you want it to work badly enough, it will.  If you stick it out long enough and decide now that you are going to be together, you will.  Things are different when they come home, but they are even more the same.  That's confusing I know, but only those that have been through this will fully understand what that means.  I'm so happy JD is home.  I'm so happy he is here, and I can call him or text him or see him whenever I feel like it.  It was such a difficult two years in so many ways.  And while I can't fully say I waited the two years because I have a fork in the road I still figuring out which path to take, I can say what I did wait for was worth it.  Whether that was to go through this rough patch and end up with JD all along, or if I grew and learned and end up with someone else, it was worth the whole run. 

 This is the beginning of my fairy tale!  I mean, in all the fairy tales, no one realizes how difficult each of the princesses had it first right?  Cinderella had a family that treated her terribly.  Belle got kidnapped and held hostage.  Mulan joined the army to fight.  Sleeping Beauty was in a pretty massive coma.  Snow White had an evil lady plotting to kill her constantly.  Jasmine had her dad signing her life away to an evil man who wanted to control her.  Ariel sold her voice to the evil and betrayed her father.  Should I keep going?  But all of these princesses found their prince.  All of these princesses endured their trials and pushed through long enough to be happy in the end.  I will too! And considering the difficult time I'm put through now, I'd say that's a fair indication that I'm almost to the happy ending part too.  :)

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Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Happiness

I was looking at a friend of mine's wedding pictures for the first time the other day. And I love her, yet her pictures made me hate her so much! Her wedding, her pictures, her dress, her ring, her gorgeous husband, her LIFE is just so perfect! How can that be fair at all? How can something so happy and beautiful make me hate her so much? Okay, I don't really hate her but I sure do wish sometimes I could switch lives with her.

I'm sick of my life and the trials that keep on coming. They never let up, I swear I'm bound to be like this forever! Some days, like today, I am a bit more optimistic about things and realize that no matter what trials I am going through, there is someone somewhere who is enduring much worse. But then there are days like yesterday where I just feel so down and there is nothing that can bring me out of it. Some days it feels like all hope for my happiness is lost. I look at my friends who fall in love and get married so easily and it just works and I feel like that will never be me. I'm not saying I won't get married or that things won't work out for me, but I don't understand why everything has to be a huge trial for me. It can't just work. Love, school, work, family, everything goes so wrong before it can go right.

I don't think anyone does or ever will understand everything I've been going through the last six months or so. I have changed so much because life has been thrown at me full speed whether I was ready for it or not. There's many things about these last six months that I would change if I could, yet I don't regret anything either. I've learned from everything I've been put through, big and small. And even though I can't say I'm really a great member of the LDS church, I don't do everything I'm supposed to, and I always struggle relying on the Lord when I know I need to the most, I don't know how I would be able to have a smile on my face every once in a while if I didn't have the knowledge and truth of the church.

How do you decide something that will change the rest of your life? How long does it take to decide something that huge? How long is too long to wait? How do you keep a positive attitude through it all? I wish someone, like a genie, would appear and tell me what I should do. It's not that I can't make a decision for myself, that I am fully capable of. It's that I've never had to make a decision that you can't take back, that will change the outcome of your entire life, and that may cause you extreme sorrow if you choose the wrong thing. It's not that I can't decide. It's that I'm scared to. It's that I don't want to make the wrong decision. It's that I think these things take time, when other people think it should not.

I have finals next week. And a lot of studying to do. And Christmas time is here. Excited, or not? I don't know. I love Christmas time. But this Christmas may be a little different than I was expecting. Everyone expects me to be there for Christmas, yet I don't know where I belong. I think this year, I will spend Christmas by myself. Koda can come too, my dog belongs with me always. Just me and her, Christmas all to ourselves. It's the only place we belong for now!

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Love and Other Drugs

Love is rough.  All of my posts on this blog has seriously talked about how love has been such a rough road for me.  Is it ever going to be a happy ending for me?  Where is that fairy tale that we teach our children all about?  We are setting them up for failure.  I mean, we say someday this amazing wonderful prince charming will show up in your life out of the blue and it will be love at first sight.  You guys will get married right after and you will live happily ever after.  Well.  I'm here to tell you, that is BULL freaking CRAP.  I think it's an unwritten rule that your heart has to be ripped out, thrown on the ground, stomped on 10 times, picked up, put through the shredder front ways and back ways, and then scattered all over different parts of the world so that you have to go searching for every tiny piece before you can even begin to put it carefully back together.  Then, MAYBE then, you will find love.  

Is it possible to truly die from a broken heart?  Because if not, I think I may be about as close as close gets. My heart is about the hardest thing to read ever.  Everyone says, follow your heart.  Okay.... well where are the instructions on how to interpret what you heart is trying to tell you?  Following your heart is a lot easier said than done.  Because my heart doesn't even know what it wants, let alone my mind.

I want my happy ending.  I want my happily ever after.  But the pain I feel from the journey of getting there makes it feel like it will never come.  My favorite time of my days is when I sleep.  At least right now, my dreams are all happy.  All about happy times, and happy experiences.  I wake up and lay in bed longer with my eyes close and try and trick my body into thinking I am still asleep so I can continue to live those dreams.  Why am I so scared of making those dreams my reality?  Maybe this is my way of getting cold feet.  Maybe this is my I'm freaking out before a huge life change moment.  If so, I'd have to say I'm about the worst at cold feet experiences there is.  Today it feels like love is my drug.  You take part in it because it makes you feel good for the time being, however in the long run it is doing you more harm than good.  I know that in the case of love, that really isn't true.  But that's sure what it feels like right now.

I've been listening to your rap music I always hated so much.  Not because I like it now, but because it reminds me so much of you.
And I brushed my teeth in the shower today. Odd.
Oh, the things I do to feel even remotely close to you.

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Dear Little Gidget,

I miss you.  Everyone misses you so much.  You were always so tiny, weighing only 6 lbs in the healthiest time of your life, yet without you around the house is so empty.  I miss everything about you.  I miss my best cuddle buddy!  It's hard to look at your cute green blanket that you loved to lay with, whoever was using that blanket was going to be your cuddle buddy for the night.  I miss when you would play ball, and play tug of war with me, even though it feels like a lifetime since you had been strong enough to do either of those.  You were the best mother, and grandmother- supplying the entire extended family with generations of poodles!  Yet, I think you were loved the best out of all of them.  I love the way anyone who would meet you would ask us if they could take you home because everyone instantly loved you.  You were the one that convinced my Oma AND my Papa that maybe getting a dog wasn't a bad idea, especially if the dog came from you.  I keep expecting you to come around.  I've never lost anyone close to me before, so dealing with this is all new to me.  I keep coming home at night and tip toeing because I don't want to wake you up so that you whine all night, but then I remember you're not there anymore.  I keep looking for you when I sit on the couch so that I can put my hand down so you can push your head against it to climb up on the couch with me.  And I especially keep listening for the jingle your tags on your collar would make every time you walked.  I miss you baby girl.

What is it like in heaven?  You're the kind of dog that has the same kind of loving heart Jesus did.  I wouldn't be surprised if He is the one throwing the ball around for you right now.  I hope you get to keep playing ball and never tire out so you can play all day!  I hope you get to eat all the food we tried to get you to eat when you were sick because I know you would have killed to eat that stuff when you were healthy.  I hope you are taking care of family and friends that are there already, and that they are taking care of you.  I hope you found a new cuddly green blanket and that you are saving me a cuddle spot in bed someday again, as long as you learn to share the pillow this time.  I am sorry if bringing Koda around brought more stress on you.  You were so good at tolerating a hyper 6 month old puppy who was three times your size.  But then again, you were always good at tolerating everything.  Thank you for letting me cuddle with you for a few hours the morning before you died.  We hadn't gotten to spend much time together because of my busy life, but I'm glad that day we were able to spend some good old time cuddling.  I'm glad I kissed you and told you I loved you when I left the house the hour before you died.  I would have regretted not saying goodbye forever.  I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you in your dying moment, but I'm glad that a good majority of your close family who loves you was there by your side as you went back to heaven.  I'm glad you lived a wonderful long life and was one of the lucky ones who got to die peacefully at home with your family.  I'm sorry I didn't have the strength to see you after you had passed, I was afraid that was how I would always remember seeing you.  Know now though, that I don't remember you as the sick, weak, frail dog.  I see you as the cute puppy I picked up and put in my plastic shopping cart as a 5 year old girl.  I love you always and will always miss you terribly.  There is no one in the world who will understand the loss I feel by not having you here.  We didn't lose a pet, we lost a family member.  Save a spot for me in heaven and be one of the first one to greet me there when it is my turn.  I love you always Gidget, you will always be my baby girl!!

Gidget

July 23 1995 - October 20, 2011

I love you.

I miss you.

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Change

Change is so hard to get used to.  I never really understood those certain people that have an actual change-phobia because most of the time, change usually brings about something positive.  At least for me that's the way it's usually gone.  So many changes I've dealt with were such happy times for me.  Like graduating high school, starting nursing school, living on my own, getting my cute Koda... the list goes on.  All of these things were huge changes that drastically effected the rest of my life.  And they have all been such wonderful moments in my life that has helped define who I am today.

However, lately not all changes for me have been so wonderful though.  For instance, one big one was JD leaving on his mission.  Up until that point, he and I were together every minute of our every day.  He was my everything.  And I had to go from knowing everything about him, being with him daily, and talking to him every minute to not seeing him at all for two years, not ever knowing what is going on with him, and hardly getting to talk at all.. at best, through letters.  It was a huge change, a change that was probably one of the hardest ones I've been through.  Not every relationship gets put through a trial like that one.  And not many relationships can survive something like that.  As for JD and I's relationship, I don't know where we stand in that aspect because I had another life change while he was gone.  I met someone else and fell in love.  

Meeting Cody has been such a bitter sweet change for me.  He has been so wonderful and has treated me the way every girl wants to be treated.  He brings me flowers way more than he should.  He spoils me at every chance he can get.  He was raised by a house full of women, so he definitely knows how to treat a woman.  My favorite thing to watch is when he plays with his niece.  Even though he didn't have a dad to grow up with and teach him how to be the right kind of father, I know someday he will be the best father there is just by watching the way he is with his niece. He is by far my best friend on the planet, we laugh at everything together! He makes me so happy, I feel like a little kid again when I am with him because we just enjoy each other so much.  I fell in love with Cody so hard and so fast that I don't even know when he had the time or strength to catch me, but he did.  The reason the change he brought into my life by meeting me was a bitter sweet one is because while everything is so perfect with Cody, I knew that that meant it couldn't also be perfect with JD in two years.  I knew that falling for someone like I did for Cody was going to make everything so much more difficult.  

You blink, and two years goes by.  You wouldn't believe it at the beginning, everyone always told me two years flies by and I thought they were all crazy.  But they were right.  I wish I had more time than I do now before another huge change hits.  JD comes home from his mission in three weeks.  I don't know when or how this happened, and I don't know how to be ready for it.  What do you do in a situation like mine?  What happens when the boy you loved your whole life leaves so suddenly it breaks your heart completely.  Then you take a chance on one brave person who puts up with more ridicule, glares, snide remarks, gossip, and pure hatred that anyone should ever have to be put through just to be near you, and through it all you fall in love.  Then, the boy you loved your entire life returns to you, this time a man.  That's a situation I do not know how to handle or what to do with.  I don't know how anyone could handle something like that.

Everyone constantly asks, "What are you going to do when JD comes home?"  I do not have an answer for this question.  Am I thrilled and excited and so happy to see JD in three weeks?  Absolutely.  However, am I totally and completely freaked out, and try not to cry from being so scared scared about it on a daily basis?  Yep.  I don't have any more answers than the next person.  I know this is going to be probably one of the hardest times in my life.  I know that people are going to get hurt badly, let alone I will hurt regardless of what happens.  I also know that I and so many others make this into such a bigger deal than it needs to be.  So what am I going to do?  What is my plan?  Nothing.  That's all.  Just nothing.  Except pray.  And try not to put so much stress on myself about it that I explode.  Keyword = try.  I am young.  I have time to figure my life out and am in no rush to find a quick answer to anything.  When it comes, it comes and I will know.  But for now, I will continue to live my life the way I am, be thrilled to see JD again finally after two years, and continue my wonderful relationship with Cody.  Things have a way of working themselves out.  One thing I learned at my first clinical rotation for nursing school from a cute lady who was born in 1914... "A watched pot never boils."  Once I stop expecting I will know exactly what to do, that's when I will finally figure it out.   

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