When You Dream, Dream Big

I love the new year that comes around because it really gives you a chance to start fresh and this year, I need that more than ever.  Life is so hard as an adult.  Everyone says it's so much better once you are out of high school, but I say enjoy high school while you can because once you are out, there's real life to answer to.  

Things this year, 2012, haven't started off too hot.  As everyone knows, my love situation isn't the greatest. I have two amazing guys in my life right now and I don't know what to do, nor what is right for me.  I've been trying to kind of take a step back to look at everything as a whole, but that hasn't been real easy for me.  I've spent a lot of time praying and searching out things.  I've started reading a manual for institute about eternal marriage.  Sounds a little cheesy I know, but it really has some amazing stuff in it.  It complies together all the talks from apostles that have anything to do with dating, relationships, and marriage.  There is literally every topic about love covered in this book and it has given me a lot of good insight on how this decision I'm facing can be difficult for many people, I'm not the only one.  I even spent some time discussing this situation with my bishop, and my home ward bishop.  My home ward bishop knows I've been struggling with this for a while and he's always been so concerned about how I'm doing.  He had a dream about me the other week and wrote it all down quickly as he woke up.  Then he asked me to spend a little time talking to him about it a few days later, and I can just say, the Lord is truly looking out for me.  For some person who doesn't know me very well to be inspired to give me the advice he gave me through inspiration through a dream is just incredible.  He basically gave me a list of detailed questions to go through and ask myself about my relationships.  Some of the things I'd though of before, but others never even crossed my mind and it was so good to think about! It's really put me into a deep thought/prayer process lately.

Well, on top of all that happening, one of my Mr. Amazing's-Cody- came to me Jan. 1st and told me that he could not handle being in this situation anymore and wanted out.  It was a bit of a surprise to me and it definitely hurt, but I can't say I have hard feelings over it.  I would not want to be in this situation, and the fact that anyone has stuck around through it all just for me doesn't make sense to me at all.  Being in a position now where I love two people but only have one of them in my life has been really difficult.  It's definitely put me more in a thinking mode than I was already in, an analyzing everything mode.  It's made me more aware of my relationship with JD, who is around in my life right now, good and the bad.  But it's also made me think about Cody a lot.  I can't help but wonder why exactly he wanted this, with knowing full well that JD would still be in my life.  It's almost like he is handing me over to him and saying I give up.  Is that what he is really saying?  What do I think about all this?  Also, I know full well that this means he is going to date other people.  It's so hard because these two guys are so different when it comes to this topic.  JD doesn't date other people easily, and I may be wrong, but I think it's because it's hard for him to be around another girl.  It's been him and I for so long, that someone else just doesn't quite fit.  While sometimes it would be easier for JD to go date other people, it also makes me feel very special to him that being with another girl is such an effort.  It is good to know that I mean that much to him.  Where on the flip side, it's very different for Cody.  He is very much so a ladies man.  And not that I'm saying he doesn't care about me as much as JD does, but it is very easy for him to go out with another girl.  I mean, we technically have broken up twice now, and both times, one or two days after it happens, he has other girls writing on his Facebook wall or he mentions something to me about a date he went on.  I understand he is trying to protect himself but at the same time, it kills me sometimes that it's so easy for him to just be with other girls, have them publicly write things to him where I would no doubt see, and just be out there on the market like it's something he looks forward to because so many girls are always into him.  And so quickly too?  I don't know, keep in mind the fact that I said earlier that I am in an overanalyzing mode right now.  There are many other things though that drive me nuts, like how when I get in a hyper crazy mood- which I tend to think is a lot of fun- JD thinks and tells me I'm annoying and gets really bothered.  Whereas whenever I was in this mood with Cody, he absolutely loved it and fed off of my energy.. most the time he could top it too lol. He would always say, I love it when you get in this mood.  He would try to convince me to take 5 hour energy's together so that we could get in that mood together because of how much fun we would have.  

So for now, Cody isn't really in my life.  He says he wants to be a part of my life if I come to the conclusion that I am ready to just be with him.  And if that never happens, he understands.  I guess it's my time to really figure things out.

 It's so difficult to talk about "making a decision" like this for me, because I feel like I'm so young and there's nothing wrong with dating many different people.  Yes, I know that means I would need to add more people other than just JD and Cody in the mix, but if that means I don't lose two people I want in my life right now until I do know what I want, then that's a no brainer for me.  I don't know what is going to happen with Cody not wanting to talk to or see me unless I decide to give myself completely to him.. plus adding on that he is already dating other girls.  But I guess I will just continue what I'm doing, continue learning and praying and having faith that something will come my way to help me make my decision.  For now, I'm going to make my list of New Year's Resolutions, stick to those, and continue on with my life.  I'm determined that 2012 will be a better year for me, and I don't care what it takes to get there.  

My list of resolutions:

1. Pray morning and night- get to know my Heavenly Father.

2. Read the Book of Mormon.

3. Be better about paying my tithing on time.

4. Always stand in holy places- even when it's not easy to.

5. Work hard in school- shoot for all A's!

6. Go to bed earlier during the week, no matter when I have things the next day.

7. Improve my relationships with my girl friends- friends that don't require a little extra on the side. 

8. Write in my journal more- at least twice a week- someday I may have kids that struggle and for them to see the things I've struggled with also.. well, maybe it just might help a little.

9. Choose everyday the way I want my day to go and set that attitude- attitude is everything- and don't let the small bumps in the road turn into craters- let the little things go.

10. Find true happiness.

That's quite a list, I know.  But when you dream, dream big right?  I wrote all my resolutions around the border of my mirror in my bathroom since I have a date with that mirror every single morning before my day starts.  With everything I've been through in 2011, I'm more than ready to adopt all of these resolutions this year.  

These aren't just my 2012 goals, this are goals I want to adopt for life.