Love and Other Drugs

Love is rough.  All of my posts on this blog has seriously talked about how love has been such a rough road for me.  Is it ever going to be a happy ending for me?  Where is that fairy tale that we teach our children all about?  We are setting them up for failure.  I mean, we say someday this amazing wonderful prince charming will show up in your life out of the blue and it will be love at first sight.  You guys will get married right after and you will live happily ever after.  Well.  I'm here to tell you, that is BULL freaking CRAP.  I think it's an unwritten rule that your heart has to be ripped out, thrown on the ground, stomped on 10 times, picked up, put through the shredder front ways and back ways, and then scattered all over different parts of the world so that you have to go searching for every tiny piece before you can even begin to put it carefully back together.  Then, MAYBE then, you will find love.  

Is it possible to truly die from a broken heart?  Because if not, I think I may be about as close as close gets. My heart is about the hardest thing to read ever.  Everyone says, follow your heart.  Okay.... well where are the instructions on how to interpret what you heart is trying to tell you?  Following your heart is a lot easier said than done.  Because my heart doesn't even know what it wants, let alone my mind.

I want my happy ending.  I want my happily ever after.  But the pain I feel from the journey of getting there makes it feel like it will never come.  My favorite time of my days is when I sleep.  At least right now, my dreams are all happy.  All about happy times, and happy experiences.  I wake up and lay in bed longer with my eyes close and try and trick my body into thinking I am still asleep so I can continue to live those dreams.  Why am I so scared of making those dreams my reality?  Maybe this is my way of getting cold feet.  Maybe this is my I'm freaking out before a huge life change moment.  If so, I'd have to say I'm about the worst at cold feet experiences there is.  Today it feels like love is my drug.  You take part in it because it makes you feel good for the time being, however in the long run it is doing you more harm than good.  I know that in the case of love, that really isn't true.  But that's sure what it feels like right now.

I've been listening to your rap music I always hated so much.  Not because I like it now, but because it reminds me so much of you.
And I brushed my teeth in the shower today. Odd.
Oh, the things I do to feel even remotely close to you.

Continue

Dear Little Gidget,

I miss you.  Everyone misses you so much.  You were always so tiny, weighing only 6 lbs in the healthiest time of your life, yet without you around the house is so empty.  I miss everything about you.  I miss my best cuddle buddy!  It's hard to look at your cute green blanket that you loved to lay with, whoever was using that blanket was going to be your cuddle buddy for the night.  I miss when you would play ball, and play tug of war with me, even though it feels like a lifetime since you had been strong enough to do either of those.  You were the best mother, and grandmother- supplying the entire extended family with generations of poodles!  Yet, I think you were loved the best out of all of them.  I love the way anyone who would meet you would ask us if they could take you home because everyone instantly loved you.  You were the one that convinced my Oma AND my Papa that maybe getting a dog wasn't a bad idea, especially if the dog came from you.  I keep expecting you to come around.  I've never lost anyone close to me before, so dealing with this is all new to me.  I keep coming home at night and tip toeing because I don't want to wake you up so that you whine all night, but then I remember you're not there anymore.  I keep looking for you when I sit on the couch so that I can put my hand down so you can push your head against it to climb up on the couch with me.  And I especially keep listening for the jingle your tags on your collar would make every time you walked.  I miss you baby girl.

What is it like in heaven?  You're the kind of dog that has the same kind of loving heart Jesus did.  I wouldn't be surprised if He is the one throwing the ball around for you right now.  I hope you get to keep playing ball and never tire out so you can play all day!  I hope you get to eat all the food we tried to get you to eat when you were sick because I know you would have killed to eat that stuff when you were healthy.  I hope you are taking care of family and friends that are there already, and that they are taking care of you.  I hope you found a new cuddly green blanket and that you are saving me a cuddle spot in bed someday again, as long as you learn to share the pillow this time.  I am sorry if bringing Koda around brought more stress on you.  You were so good at tolerating a hyper 6 month old puppy who was three times your size.  But then again, you were always good at tolerating everything.  Thank you for letting me cuddle with you for a few hours the morning before you died.  We hadn't gotten to spend much time together because of my busy life, but I'm glad that day we were able to spend some good old time cuddling.  I'm glad I kissed you and told you I loved you when I left the house the hour before you died.  I would have regretted not saying goodbye forever.  I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you in your dying moment, but I'm glad that a good majority of your close family who loves you was there by your side as you went back to heaven.  I'm glad you lived a wonderful long life and was one of the lucky ones who got to die peacefully at home with your family.  I'm sorry I didn't have the strength to see you after you had passed, I was afraid that was how I would always remember seeing you.  Know now though, that I don't remember you as the sick, weak, frail dog.  I see you as the cute puppy I picked up and put in my plastic shopping cart as a 5 year old girl.  I love you always and will always miss you terribly.  There is no one in the world who will understand the loss I feel by not having you here.  We didn't lose a pet, we lost a family member.  Save a spot for me in heaven and be one of the first one to greet me there when it is my turn.  I love you always Gidget, you will always be my baby girl!!

Gidget

July 23 1995 - October 20, 2011

I love you.

I miss you.

Continue

Change

Change is so hard to get used to.  I never really understood those certain people that have an actual change-phobia because most of the time, change usually brings about something positive.  At least for me that's the way it's usually gone.  So many changes I've dealt with were such happy times for me.  Like graduating high school, starting nursing school, living on my own, getting my cute Koda... the list goes on.  All of these things were huge changes that drastically effected the rest of my life.  And they have all been such wonderful moments in my life that has helped define who I am today.

However, lately not all changes for me have been so wonderful though.  For instance, one big one was JD leaving on his mission.  Up until that point, he and I were together every minute of our every day.  He was my everything.  And I had to go from knowing everything about him, being with him daily, and talking to him every minute to not seeing him at all for two years, not ever knowing what is going on with him, and hardly getting to talk at all.. at best, through letters.  It was a huge change, a change that was probably one of the hardest ones I've been through.  Not every relationship gets put through a trial like that one.  And not many relationships can survive something like that.  As for JD and I's relationship, I don't know where we stand in that aspect because I had another life change while he was gone.  I met someone else and fell in love.  

Meeting Cody has been such a bitter sweet change for me.  He has been so wonderful and has treated me the way every girl wants to be treated.  He brings me flowers way more than he should.  He spoils me at every chance he can get.  He was raised by a house full of women, so he definitely knows how to treat a woman.  My favorite thing to watch is when he plays with his niece.  Even though he didn't have a dad to grow up with and teach him how to be the right kind of father, I know someday he will be the best father there is just by watching the way he is with his niece. He is by far my best friend on the planet, we laugh at everything together! He makes me so happy, I feel like a little kid again when I am with him because we just enjoy each other so much.  I fell in love with Cody so hard and so fast that I don't even know when he had the time or strength to catch me, but he did.  The reason the change he brought into my life by meeting me was a bitter sweet one is because while everything is so perfect with Cody, I knew that that meant it couldn't also be perfect with JD in two years.  I knew that falling for someone like I did for Cody was going to make everything so much more difficult.  

You blink, and two years goes by.  You wouldn't believe it at the beginning, everyone always told me two years flies by and I thought they were all crazy.  But they were right.  I wish I had more time than I do now before another huge change hits.  JD comes home from his mission in three weeks.  I don't know when or how this happened, and I don't know how to be ready for it.  What do you do in a situation like mine?  What happens when the boy you loved your whole life leaves so suddenly it breaks your heart completely.  Then you take a chance on one brave person who puts up with more ridicule, glares, snide remarks, gossip, and pure hatred that anyone should ever have to be put through just to be near you, and through it all you fall in love.  Then, the boy you loved your entire life returns to you, this time a man.  That's a situation I do not know how to handle or what to do with.  I don't know how anyone could handle something like that.

Everyone constantly asks, "What are you going to do when JD comes home?"  I do not have an answer for this question.  Am I thrilled and excited and so happy to see JD in three weeks?  Absolutely.  However, am I totally and completely freaked out, and try not to cry from being so scared scared about it on a daily basis?  Yep.  I don't have any more answers than the next person.  I know this is going to be probably one of the hardest times in my life.  I know that people are going to get hurt badly, let alone I will hurt regardless of what happens.  I also know that I and so many others make this into such a bigger deal than it needs to be.  So what am I going to do?  What is my plan?  Nothing.  That's all.  Just nothing.  Except pray.  And try not to put so much stress on myself about it that I explode.  Keyword = try.  I am young.  I have time to figure my life out and am in no rush to find a quick answer to anything.  When it comes, it comes and I will know.  But for now, I will continue to live my life the way I am, be thrilled to see JD again finally after two years, and continue my wonderful relationship with Cody.  Things have a way of working themselves out.  One thing I learned at my first clinical rotation for nursing school from a cute lady who was born in 1914... "A watched pot never boils."  Once I stop expecting I will know exactly what to do, that's when I will finally figure it out.   

Continue

My Baby

I love my baby.  My sweet, sweet 7 1/2 month old Siberian Husky named Koda.  I have posted about her many times before.  But it's been a little while since I've shown how much I really love that girl.  My hell that dog can be such a pain though, and she makes me so angry! Especially when she decides she is going to somehow get away from me and take off down the street, and then turn it all into a catch me if you can game.  It's super not funny.  Or when she decides she is going to turn the water fountains in the backyard into chew toys that she later is going to dig a giant grave for in the garden.  Okay, to me that one is a little funny.  But to my parents who pay for that fountain, again, super not funny.  

However, that cute little crap can be so much fun too!  Like when we go to Dog Lake up Millcreek canyon, and she jumps and plays in the water with the other dogs.  Yet, she doesn't want to go too deep where she has to swim, so she runs around splashing everyone and intently watching any dog that goes deeper than she would prefer.  I know she'll be out there too one day.  Or how she absolutely loves to look at herself in the mirror.  She's not dumb, she knows she is looking at herself.  She just wants to look at herself.  Or look at me through the mirror, because that is so much better than looking at me in person.   Or how when I have to get ready to go somewhere, I make her come downstairs with me to get ready.  And now, she has learned that when I go in the bathroom and get ready and then go into the bedroom to change, that after that usually comes the cage because I have to go.  So now, instead of me telling her, when I go into my room to change, she automatically walks herself to her cage and plops herself inside and waits for me to close it.  

I love how she has learned certain words.  Like walk, oh my, she gets real excited and runs to the front door.  Or food, she goes to the garage door and sits and stares at it because she knows that's where her food is kept.  She knows cage, obviously, and is so good at just walking right into her cage when I tell her to.  She also knows bedtime now, and knows when I say that, that it is time to go downstairs and go to sleep.  She knows car, and knows that when I say car, that usually means we are going to see Cody or going to the dog park, which are her two favorite things.  She is also pretty good at leave it, especially when it comes to my 16 year old poodle in the house that she wants to play with so badly.  She has learned now though that anytime she gets close to Gidget, we say leave it.  She's not allowed to touch her.  Well, of course my little Koda found a way around that one.  She wants so badly to bother Gidget but knows that if she touches her she will be in trouble, so what does she do?  She runs and jumps OVER her.  Then looks at me like, "What? I didn't touch her!"  It's super, super funny.  But so, so naughty.  

I love that dog.  She is my everything.  She is a whole lot of work to take care of, but I wouldn't trade it all for the world.  We have a long life ahead of us together and I could not have a better dog to look forward to that all with.  Yep, she sounds like a significant other or something.  Well, I just love her that much! She is my baby!  :) 

Well, she may be scared to swim in the water for now, but she absolutely loves sprinklers and any other water source.  This day, the garden was being water and she decided to... help.

This is her favorite stuffed animal that she always steals from my little brother's room.  It happens to be a stuffed husky... you can tell I am mad at her for stealing the toy in this picture, haha. 

Another day playing in the garden, I believe she was either stung by a bee or bit by a spider.. hence the ginormous swollen nose.  Yes, I had to put benedryl cream on her nose after this. 

My baby girl, Koda.  She's getting super big.  Last month at the vet she weighed 41 lbs.  I would be willing to bet she is over 50 now.  She still has her one blue eye and her one brown eye has now turned half blue also.  She's the most stubborn dog I know, but I love her.  And so does everyone else, we still have yet to go out somewhere and not have someone say how beautiful she is.  I know, I know, she got her good looks from me, right?  ;) 

Continue

Attitude

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone tries to be a tattle tail (sp?).  But even worse, when that tattle tail is in a professional work setting.  I mean, come on! I am dealing with drama, as you can tell.  Sometimes, most of the time, I feel like my life is one big soap opera.  Work has been the main event for me lately.  I wish I could go on and on and just let everything I have been feeling about work out right now, but you never know who is going to read this and I don't want to get in trouble with the wrong person for what I say.  So I'll just leave it at, holy drama.  

Next, my dating is life more complicated than it can possibly get.  I am dating an amazing, wonderful, GREAT guy that I am absolutely crazy and in love with.  Think that should be the end of the story right there, right?  Wrong.  My missionary comes home in one month and twenty days.  My relationship with him before he left was as strong and perfect as a relationship can get.  So yes, while I know how strongly I feel about the guy I am dating right now, it is very difficult to allow myself to forget completely about my missionary when there was that huge connection that really never ended.  Sending a missionary off isn't like breaking up because you don't have that confirmation that things will not be the same anymore.  When you send a missionary off, you are basically saying, I love you, I want to be with you, but I know I can't so I'll see you in two years and we'll see where we both are at in life and how we feel.  Personally, that is such an unfair place to leave a relationship at.  How is someone supposed to completely move on and love again when there is that dot, dot, dot to the last relationship they were in?  You don't ever want to move on and then always wonder what would have happened.  Dating while my missionary has been gone has been the best decision I have made.  Yes, it has made everything a million times more complicated.  Yes, it has caused a lot of stress and extreme worry in my family, and all other families involved.  And yes, sometimes I wonder what the heck I have gotten myself into because I don't know where to go from here.  BUT.  I have enjoyed myself and learned.  I have made mistakes and learned from them and because of them, I am stronger in myself, my testimony, and have gained more confidence in myself and what I want for my future.  I know there is pain ahead in dealing with and figuring out a solution to the choices I have ahead of me, but I can't worry about it because it will work out in the right time and there is no need to fear what I have ahead of me.  I read a quote the other day and I wrote it down and hung it in my bathroom so that I can see it every day I get ready.  I really like the quote because it reminds me that no matter what goes on around me, or what happens in my life, it is up to me to decide how I want to handle it and how I want to feel regardless.  Here it is:

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.  Attitude to me is more important that facts.  It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do.  It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.  It will make or break an athletic team, company, organization, church, or a home.  The remarkable thing is that we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  We cannot change the regrets of the past nor do we need to fear the events of the future.  Regret and fear are twin thieves who would rob us of the thing we have control over, that is our attitude.  We need to learn to go into the arena every day with a winning attitude and enjoy the challenges it brings.  I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.  And so it is with you ....... we are in charge of our attitudes."  -Charles Swindoll

Continue

Me Against The World

It's hard sometimes to be alone. But the fact of the matter is, there is a point in time that you have to face some things alone. No, I'm not meaning that God is not there. I understand you always have the Lord to go to, but let's also be real here. You need someone here, in the flesh to rely on also. But sometimes that's not always possible. This is my today.

I have many people in my life that I can rely on. Many people I can trust and look to whenever I need something. But there's always a limit to everything. There's always a breaking point in any normal person. When they decide enough is enough right now. What's incredible to me is that sometimes that happens with everyone all at once. That's where I am at tonight. I'm at the point where all the people I care and rely on so heavily have just burnt out their last ember. It's understandable, I know I bring a lot to the table lol. And I guess sometimes I just have to figure things out on my own.

But what do you do when you feel like you can't hold the weight of the world on your shoulders alone? Sometimes that pressure is just a tad too much and you think you may crack at any moment. That's when that support system comes in to save you. But what happens when that supposed system is busy saving someone else? Where do you go next? Tonight, it is me against the world. Most the time I can make it through, I like to think I am a strong person. And I guess that's what it's going to have to take this time. Tonight, I am the only one here.

Continue

Patriarchal Blessings

My life right now isn't what you would call easy.  I know everyone goes through trials in some form or the other.  And certain people have bigger trials than others.  Well, I will have to admit, some of the trials I have been dealt are pretty up there in difficulty.  Some days are harder than others.  There are times that I feel like I have no where to go and no solution to any of the problems I have to deal with.  It can be so overwhelming that I don't even know where to start.  And for me, that is where the gospel HAS to come in. 

I don't think I realize how important and necessary the gospel is to my life until I am forced to turn to it in times like now.  When people tell you to pray, for me, sometimes it is really frustrating.  I don't always want that answer, I'm the kind of person that would just like my answers written out in plain English.  A prayer takes time, effort, patience, faith, and complete trust in the Lord.  While I like to think I have some of those attributes, I know I am lacking in some of those also.  However, the best part about the gospel is that the Lord knows us so well.  And He definitely knows I am an impatient person.  While I think He likes to push me to my limit sometimes, He also knows when enough is enough and when I need a lifeline thrown out to me.  Tonight was one of those nights. 

I was sitting at work, bored as ever, thinking about everything going on in my life.  When I have lots of extra time on my hands to think, that's when I start to really freak out about the situation I have in my hands.  I was worried, scared about all the things I have to face ahead.  Well, I was cleaning out my room yesterday (still unpacking from moving back home) and I came across my patriarchal blessing.  It was in an envelope that I have not opened in many years. I didn't read it right then, I just put it in my purse. At work tonight, I remembered I had put it in there and decided to pull it out and give it a little look.  

It's incredible the things you find when it's inspired by the Lord.  Call me crazy, maybe it was coincidence that I found and decided to read my blessing now when it's been so many years since I even glanced at it.  But I don't think so.  I think this was my lifeline I needed.  I think the Lord has finally said, "Okay.  You understand the things that I needed you to realize.  Now I will give you a little string of hope to help you through it all."  Did reading my blessing finally answer all my questions and solve all of my fears I was feeling?  Of course not.  I wish, but no.  What it more was, was a punch in the gut, a slap in the face, a major wake up call.  It was my way of being told, "Hello! Here are these blessing I have given you.  Blessing that not everyone gets, just you.  You specifically.  And I gave you the most important blessing you need for what is going on with you right now! Why the heck aren't you using it?"  

I have had two huge questions on my mind lately.  Two huge, life changing questions.  Reading that blessing completely answered one of them.  Easy.  Done and done.  And the other?  I now know that I do not need to worry or focus any more energy or pain over this question.  Will it get solved?  Yes.  Do I have some homework to do for this one?  Yes.  But do I need to strain myself over it, heck no.  What an amazing, successful night tonight was.  I don't know how people who are not a part of the gospel get things done.  Any time I forget to use the gospel as my resource, I get nowhere.  I go in circles and circles and freak out more than I need to until the Lord throws me that little lifeline.  If I weren't able to recognize and appreciate that help from Him, I don't know where I would be.  Probably still in the same problems all the time because they would not be solved to any kind of satisfaction. 

I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints so much.  I know I am so terrible at telling my non member friends how important this gospel is to me.  I am terrible at telling my member friends also for that matter.  I think it can be easy to just fall into the motion of life and forget about the important things.  But when all is said and done, I know when I go to bed every night that I have the Lord on my side in everything I do.  When I feel like I am all alone in handling my problems and decisions of life and that I have no where to look for an answer, that I can get that answer by relying on the gospel.  So many times before when I have thought there is no hope left, I get that little glimmer of hope back from something that happens at church, through reading scriptures, or even just the kindness and service of the members of church.  I am so happy and so proud to be a member of the LDS church and I know it's something that will be a part of my life forever.  Without it, I would not be the person I am today, which although I have many faults, many more than most people I am sure, I know I can be proud of who I am and the things I do in my life thanks to the gospel showing me the example and leading the way for me.  :)

Continue