My Baby

I love my baby.  My sweet, sweet 7 1/2 month old Siberian Husky named Koda.  I have posted about her many times before.  But it's been a little while since I've shown how much I really love that girl.  My hell that dog can be such a pain though, and she makes me so angry! Especially when she decides she is going to somehow get away from me and take off down the street, and then turn it all into a catch me if you can game.  It's super not funny.  Or when she decides she is going to turn the water fountains in the backyard into chew toys that she later is going to dig a giant grave for in the garden.  Okay, to me that one is a little funny.  But to my parents who pay for that fountain, again, super not funny.  

However, that cute little crap can be so much fun too!  Like when we go to Dog Lake up Millcreek canyon, and she jumps and plays in the water with the other dogs.  Yet, she doesn't want to go too deep where she has to swim, so she runs around splashing everyone and intently watching any dog that goes deeper than she would prefer.  I know she'll be out there too one day.  Or how she absolutely loves to look at herself in the mirror.  She's not dumb, she knows she is looking at herself.  She just wants to look at herself.  Or look at me through the mirror, because that is so much better than looking at me in person.   Or how when I have to get ready to go somewhere, I make her come downstairs with me to get ready.  And now, she has learned that when I go in the bathroom and get ready and then go into the bedroom to change, that after that usually comes the cage because I have to go.  So now, instead of me telling her, when I go into my room to change, she automatically walks herself to her cage and plops herself inside and waits for me to close it.  

I love how she has learned certain words.  Like walk, oh my, she gets real excited and runs to the front door.  Or food, she goes to the garage door and sits and stares at it because she knows that's where her food is kept.  She knows cage, obviously, and is so good at just walking right into her cage when I tell her to.  She also knows bedtime now, and knows when I say that, that it is time to go downstairs and go to sleep.  She knows car, and knows that when I say car, that usually means we are going to see Cody or going to the dog park, which are her two favorite things.  She is also pretty good at leave it, especially when it comes to my 16 year old poodle in the house that she wants to play with so badly.  She has learned now though that anytime she gets close to Gidget, we say leave it.  She's not allowed to touch her.  Well, of course my little Koda found a way around that one.  She wants so badly to bother Gidget but knows that if she touches her she will be in trouble, so what does she do?  She runs and jumps OVER her.  Then looks at me like, "What? I didn't touch her!"  It's super, super funny.  But so, so naughty.  

I love that dog.  She is my everything.  She is a whole lot of work to take care of, but I wouldn't trade it all for the world.  We have a long life ahead of us together and I could not have a better dog to look forward to that all with.  Yep, she sounds like a significant other or something.  Well, I just love her that much! She is my baby!  :) 

Well, she may be scared to swim in the water for now, but she absolutely loves sprinklers and any other water source.  This day, the garden was being water and she decided to... help.

This is her favorite stuffed animal that she always steals from my little brother's room.  It happens to be a stuffed husky... you can tell I am mad at her for stealing the toy in this picture, haha. 

Another day playing in the garden, I believe she was either stung by a bee or bit by a spider.. hence the ginormous swollen nose.  Yes, I had to put benedryl cream on her nose after this. 

My baby girl, Koda.  She's getting super big.  Last month at the vet she weighed 41 lbs.  I would be willing to bet she is over 50 now.  She still has her one blue eye and her one brown eye has now turned half blue also.  She's the most stubborn dog I know, but I love her.  And so does everyone else, we still have yet to go out somewhere and not have someone say how beautiful she is.  I know, I know, she got her good looks from me, right?  ;) 

Continue

Attitude

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone tries to be a tattle tail (sp?).  But even worse, when that tattle tail is in a professional work setting.  I mean, come on! I am dealing with drama, as you can tell.  Sometimes, most of the time, I feel like my life is one big soap opera.  Work has been the main event for me lately.  I wish I could go on and on and just let everything I have been feeling about work out right now, but you never know who is going to read this and I don't want to get in trouble with the wrong person for what I say.  So I'll just leave it at, holy drama.  

Next, my dating is life more complicated than it can possibly get.  I am dating an amazing, wonderful, GREAT guy that I am absolutely crazy and in love with.  Think that should be the end of the story right there, right?  Wrong.  My missionary comes home in one month and twenty days.  My relationship with him before he left was as strong and perfect as a relationship can get.  So yes, while I know how strongly I feel about the guy I am dating right now, it is very difficult to allow myself to forget completely about my missionary when there was that huge connection that really never ended.  Sending a missionary off isn't like breaking up because you don't have that confirmation that things will not be the same anymore.  When you send a missionary off, you are basically saying, I love you, I want to be with you, but I know I can't so I'll see you in two years and we'll see where we both are at in life and how we feel.  Personally, that is such an unfair place to leave a relationship at.  How is someone supposed to completely move on and love again when there is that dot, dot, dot to the last relationship they were in?  You don't ever want to move on and then always wonder what would have happened.  Dating while my missionary has been gone has been the best decision I have made.  Yes, it has made everything a million times more complicated.  Yes, it has caused a lot of stress and extreme worry in my family, and all other families involved.  And yes, sometimes I wonder what the heck I have gotten myself into because I don't know where to go from here.  BUT.  I have enjoyed myself and learned.  I have made mistakes and learned from them and because of them, I am stronger in myself, my testimony, and have gained more confidence in myself and what I want for my future.  I know there is pain ahead in dealing with and figuring out a solution to the choices I have ahead of me, but I can't worry about it because it will work out in the right time and there is no need to fear what I have ahead of me.  I read a quote the other day and I wrote it down and hung it in my bathroom so that I can see it every day I get ready.  I really like the quote because it reminds me that no matter what goes on around me, or what happens in my life, it is up to me to decide how I want to handle it and how I want to feel regardless.  Here it is:

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.  Attitude to me is more important that facts.  It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do.  It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.  It will make or break an athletic team, company, organization, church, or a home.  The remarkable thing is that we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  We cannot change the regrets of the past nor do we need to fear the events of the future.  Regret and fear are twin thieves who would rob us of the thing we have control over, that is our attitude.  We need to learn to go into the arena every day with a winning attitude and enjoy the challenges it brings.  I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.  And so it is with you ....... we are in charge of our attitudes."  -Charles Swindoll

Continue

Me Against The World

It's hard sometimes to be alone. But the fact of the matter is, there is a point in time that you have to face some things alone. No, I'm not meaning that God is not there. I understand you always have the Lord to go to, but let's also be real here. You need someone here, in the flesh to rely on also. But sometimes that's not always possible. This is my today.

I have many people in my life that I can rely on. Many people I can trust and look to whenever I need something. But there's always a limit to everything. There's always a breaking point in any normal person. When they decide enough is enough right now. What's incredible to me is that sometimes that happens with everyone all at once. That's where I am at tonight. I'm at the point where all the people I care and rely on so heavily have just burnt out their last ember. It's understandable, I know I bring a lot to the table lol. And I guess sometimes I just have to figure things out on my own.

But what do you do when you feel like you can't hold the weight of the world on your shoulders alone? Sometimes that pressure is just a tad too much and you think you may crack at any moment. That's when that support system comes in to save you. But what happens when that supposed system is busy saving someone else? Where do you go next? Tonight, it is me against the world. Most the time I can make it through, I like to think I am a strong person. And I guess that's what it's going to have to take this time. Tonight, I am the only one here.

Continue

Patriarchal Blessings

My life right now isn't what you would call easy.  I know everyone goes through trials in some form or the other.  And certain people have bigger trials than others.  Well, I will have to admit, some of the trials I have been dealt are pretty up there in difficulty.  Some days are harder than others.  There are times that I feel like I have no where to go and no solution to any of the problems I have to deal with.  It can be so overwhelming that I don't even know where to start.  And for me, that is where the gospel HAS to come in. 

I don't think I realize how important and necessary the gospel is to my life until I am forced to turn to it in times like now.  When people tell you to pray, for me, sometimes it is really frustrating.  I don't always want that answer, I'm the kind of person that would just like my answers written out in plain English.  A prayer takes time, effort, patience, faith, and complete trust in the Lord.  While I like to think I have some of those attributes, I know I am lacking in some of those also.  However, the best part about the gospel is that the Lord knows us so well.  And He definitely knows I am an impatient person.  While I think He likes to push me to my limit sometimes, He also knows when enough is enough and when I need a lifeline thrown out to me.  Tonight was one of those nights. 

I was sitting at work, bored as ever, thinking about everything going on in my life.  When I have lots of extra time on my hands to think, that's when I start to really freak out about the situation I have in my hands.  I was worried, scared about all the things I have to face ahead.  Well, I was cleaning out my room yesterday (still unpacking from moving back home) and I came across my patriarchal blessing.  It was in an envelope that I have not opened in many years. I didn't read it right then, I just put it in my purse. At work tonight, I remembered I had put it in there and decided to pull it out and give it a little look.  

It's incredible the things you find when it's inspired by the Lord.  Call me crazy, maybe it was coincidence that I found and decided to read my blessing now when it's been so many years since I even glanced at it.  But I don't think so.  I think this was my lifeline I needed.  I think the Lord has finally said, "Okay.  You understand the things that I needed you to realize.  Now I will give you a little string of hope to help you through it all."  Did reading my blessing finally answer all my questions and solve all of my fears I was feeling?  Of course not.  I wish, but no.  What it more was, was a punch in the gut, a slap in the face, a major wake up call.  It was my way of being told, "Hello! Here are these blessing I have given you.  Blessing that not everyone gets, just you.  You specifically.  And I gave you the most important blessing you need for what is going on with you right now! Why the heck aren't you using it?"  

I have had two huge questions on my mind lately.  Two huge, life changing questions.  Reading that blessing completely answered one of them.  Easy.  Done and done.  And the other?  I now know that I do not need to worry or focus any more energy or pain over this question.  Will it get solved?  Yes.  Do I have some homework to do for this one?  Yes.  But do I need to strain myself over it, heck no.  What an amazing, successful night tonight was.  I don't know how people who are not a part of the gospel get things done.  Any time I forget to use the gospel as my resource, I get nowhere.  I go in circles and circles and freak out more than I need to until the Lord throws me that little lifeline.  If I weren't able to recognize and appreciate that help from Him, I don't know where I would be.  Probably still in the same problems all the time because they would not be solved to any kind of satisfaction. 

I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints so much.  I know I am so terrible at telling my non member friends how important this gospel is to me.  I am terrible at telling my member friends also for that matter.  I think it can be easy to just fall into the motion of life and forget about the important things.  But when all is said and done, I know when I go to bed every night that I have the Lord on my side in everything I do.  When I feel like I am all alone in handling my problems and decisions of life and that I have no where to look for an answer, that I can get that answer by relying on the gospel.  So many times before when I have thought there is no hope left, I get that little glimmer of hope back from something that happens at church, through reading scriptures, or even just the kindness and service of the members of church.  I am so happy and so proud to be a member of the LDS church and I know it's something that will be a part of my life forever.  Without it, I would not be the person I am today, which although I have many faults, many more than most people I am sure, I know I can be proud of who I am and the things I do in my life thanks to the gospel showing me the example and leading the way for me.  :)

Continue

Heavenly Father,

Are you really there? And do you hear and answer every childs prayer? Some say that heaven is far away... But I feel it closer everytime I pray.

Heavenly Father,

I remember now. Something that Jesus told disciples long ago. "Suffer the children to come to me." Father, in prayer I'm coming now to thee.

Pray, he is there. Speak, he is listening. You are his child. His love now surrounds you. He hears your prayers. He loves the children. Of such is the kingdom, the kingdom of heaven.

Continue

Koda and Life

Well basically it's been a lifetime and a half since I have updated this blog once again.  I go through phases of whether or not I want to keep writing on it, but I love reading other people's blogs so I figure I better keep mine up so I can keep reading other's also.  Life is constantly changing in drastic ways for me.  It's hard to believe that the life I am living right now is actually my life.  Where did all my stability go? Everything is in constant motion.  Well I guess I will start at the top. 

I got into nursing school at Broadview University.  It is an accelerated private program and it has been great so far.  It's a lot of work, a lot of homework to be exact, but so far so good.  I should be finished in about December of 2012, and I cannot wait for that day! To be an RN and to make some good money instead of being a boring, old CNA would be great!

Next, my missionary.  He is always a topic of my conversation, a headline in my mind.  Waiting for a missionary is tortureous, terrible work.  I DO NOT EVER recommend it for anyone.  Just don't do it.  As for me, it is a constant up and down rollercoaster.  I love that guy in Kentucky, I know I do. But it's so difficult to know exactly how you feel when you haven't seen, let alone really talked to someone in 18 months.  SO difficult.  It is such a scary process and there is never peace of mind.  Especially when I am home seeing so many friends that I have known had missionaries they were waiting for, whose missionary came home and it was so different and didn't work out, or the missionary wrote her off!  I can't tell you how many times I've seen it happen here. Now, I know J.D. would never write me off.  I know that.  But it's scary to think about how it will be when he gets home.  Willl things be the same between us?  Or will it feel totally awkward?  I was actually able to talk to J.D. for the first time on Mother's Day this year.  Not only that, but I was able to Skype with him!  I got to see his face and talk with him at the same time.  Against the rules?  Who knows.  Maybe, maybe not.  I don't freaking care.  It had been so, so long and it was well past time for it.  Talking with him was great, and it actually did feel very normal.  So that gives me confidence that things will be just the same when he gets home.  But it's still something you never stop worrying about.

Now.  Complication #1.  Dating.  Yes, I have been dating since J.D. has been gone.  Yes, there have been some amazing guys in my life, no one that I have actually seen much reason to worry about as far as J.D. and I though.  Until now.  I met this guy who is absolutely amazing in every way.  I spend a lot of time with him and I have grown so close with him that he really is a big part of my life.  The scariest part of it all, is that I could see myself being with him forever, and I would be extremely happy! He knows how to treat a woman, he has been through a lot in his life, he is very driven and ambitious, and he has become one of my very best friends.  I have not kept J.D. in the dark about this guy, yes he knows.  Yes, he hates it but he is also understanding at the same time.  Dating is a process that needed to happen while J.D. was gone.  Things will all work out the way they are supposed to.  I know that I am putting myself in a situation that will end in hurt, no matter the outcome.  Either J.D. will hurt, or this guy will hurt badly.  And in either case I will hurt badly.  Not to mention the hurt that it puts on families in all parties.  But, I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and if that is true then God will not let me get into a situation that I or anyone else cannot handle.  Pain is a part of the experience of finding the person you are going to be with forever, and it is a necessary and crucial part.  I have learned from every painful experience I have been put through.  And I am not alone in figuring out where I am supposed to be in this decision making process.  As scary as it all can be, God is on my side and will help me through it.

Now, on a happier note.  I have a new addition to my family.  Her name is Koda, and she is a beautiful all white Siberian Husky that has one baby blue eye and one brown eye that has a line of blue in it.  She is about 3 months old now, and she is the love of my life! My goodness, puppies can absolutely suck sometimes, Koda sure knows how to get into everything, and destroy it all! But once I got a cage for her to be in when I'm not home, it has improved greatly.  She has a lot of energy and takes away a lot of my own energy, but she is a lot of fun and I love her to death. 

Well, I think that's about all I'm going to say for now.  I will work on keeping this updated a little better for my own sake, who knows who reads this.  But it's always fun to look back upon and laugh about the good times in my life. :)

Koda on the first day I got her, 7 weeks old.

First day that Koda's ears stood up!

Continue

Love Is a Battlefield

I think the title is enough explanation in itself.  Dating and falling in love is a such a scary process.  You can meet someone and be entirely entraced by them, and then the next thing you know things are completely different.  But I guess that's all in the name of love. I guess though, if we didin't have such lows when it comes to love, that you also wouldn't feel as much of a high as you do when you find it.  Love isn't meant to last forever with everyone, however I don't think that doesn't mean you didn't love them at some point. There is that person that you meet where that love with them is going to last forever, survive through every trial it is put through, and only grow stronger because of it.  But there are other loves that come in life just to teach you.  Teach you something about yourself, teach you something about life, maybe just to teach you something about love itself.  I personally have had a few different occasions in my where I have loved and gotten hurt, or hurt another. And of course it is hard, it can make you bitter and make you tell yourself that you are taking yourself out of the game of love completely.  However, when I think back on everything I have been through, I don't regret nor would I take back one single second of everything that has happened in my life.  Pain and happiness of love has made me who I am today.  Love is a learning experience, that you can only learn as you go.  Me personally, I'm still in love with the boy that I liked in 3rd grade.  Maybe he is the one for me whose love will stand the test of time.  But for now, it's not something I am going to worry about.  Love comes around in it's own time.  Whether that is tomorrow, or two years spent apart.. only God will know.  :)

Favorite song about Love at this moment in time..

Read the words and listen to their meaning.

I've capitalized my favorite parts of this song. I love it.

"Live Like We're Dying" by Kris Allen

Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up

We're hiding behind skin that's too tough

HOW COME WE DON'T SAY I LOVE YOU ENOUGH?

TILL IT'S TOO LATE, IT'S NOT TOO LATE

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come

And we could make a feast from these crumbs

And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun

So if your life flashed before you, what would you wish you would've done?

Yeah, we gotta start looking at the hand of the time we've been given

If this is all we got, then we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We've only got 86-400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them while we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

AND IF YOUR PLANE FELL OUT OF THE SKIES

WHO WOULD YOU CALL WITH YOUR LAST GOODBYES?

SHOULD BE SO CAREFUL WHO WE LEFT OUT OF OUR LIVES

AND WHEN WE LONG FOR ABSOLUTION, THERE WILL BE NO ONE ON THE LINE

You never know a good thing till it's gone

You never see a crash till it's head on

Why do we think we're right when we're dead wrong?

You never know a good thing till it's gone

Yeah, gotta start looking at the hands of the time we've been given

If this is all we got, then we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We've only got 86-400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them while we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying.

Continue