Marriage. Such a scary topic. Why is this such a scary topic? Apparently everyone gives you this wonderful idea growing up that getting married was going to be so beautiful and happy and just peachy. Well, no one told me that it was going to be as painful of a process as it has been.
I'm getting married.
I'm pretty sure I'm getting married.
Yep.
I am getting married.
You know those super predictable, really cheesy, ridiculous chick flicks where the girl is getting married to the man of her dreams. She is extremely happy and thinks everything is just perfect. Then right before the actual marriage part happens, the girl has the guy that has grown up with her, her best friend in the world, the kid next door, come to her and tell her she is making a mistake and that he is in love with her. He says, "Marry me, not him."
Ya. Apparently that happens in real life too. And it's about the worst thing in the world. If I remember correct, it's about 50/50 where either the girl talks with the best friend and says she loves the other man and is doing the right thing and marries him, or she leaves the man and ends up marrying the best friend. That whole fact doesn't help my cause either.
It's funny, I've spent a lot of my time writing about Cody and JD. And many of my blog posts have about 20, 30, 50...sometimes 70 views. Except the ones in detail about Cody and JD. For example the one with like 3,219 views. People love that kind of crap. And not one of those three thousand people can give me any idea of what they would do? Come on. Life is SO unfair.
JD. We dated 2 years, knew each other our whole lives. Had everything as close to a perfect relationship as you can get. Head over heels falling more in love everyday. Then, he leaves to serve a mission. But to me, it feels like he died. He was gone, gone from my life, gone from everything. I couldn't see him, talk to him, hear him, have anything to do with him. For two years. No one will understand how hard that is. How painful every single moment of every day was. How big of a heart break I had to mend. Each day was excruciatingly painful. Then, he comes home. Things are alright kinda good for a few months. Things for him feel the same, but for me...I had mended a broken heart and was now trying to reopen that back up. It was difficult. I didn't know what to do. Each day was a day spent in my room crying, asking for help. I question our relationship and wonder if it really is the same or has the potential to be the same as it was 2 years ago. I tell him JD I need some time to figure it out and figure out what my feelings for him still were. And he disappears again. And the heartbreak I feel resembles and magnifies the heartbreak I felt before. Except this time, he was choosing to be away. I move on, mend another heart break by fully allowing someone else into my heart. I eventually go to JD to finally announce I am going to be getting married. And a switch flips. JD says all of the things I wanted to hear from him when he came home. He does all of the things and shows all of care he should have from the start. He tells me I am making the wrong choice, that he will do everything in his power for me to see that I need to be with him. That he loves me and has always loved me and made a mistake by not showing it the whole time. He finally comes back, finally the way he was before. The man I was so deeply in love with was finally here before me. Now? Now. When it's dannnggg near too late.
Cody. I meet this really fun, cute guy 8 months before JD comes home from his mission. It's all casual at first, all fun and games. He knows about JD. He sees pictures of JD everywhere. But he's cool and calm and confident. Things progress, my feelings grow. But I'm cautious... still keeping everything that has to do with JD around. Things progress still. Cody meets the family. The family is so hard on him because, well, he's not JD. Still Cody stays calm and confident. Things progress still. Things are so wonderful. But still I keep everything that has to do with JD around. JD comes home. I dump Cody on his butt faster than a bullet. I choose JD. And regret it sorely. I'm deeply heartbroken and extremely depressed, even when I'm with JD. I go back to talk to Cody and he's worse off than I am. Cody does everything he can to spend a few more seconds with me, including making me drive around with him looking for something that didn't exist to stall for time. We say, let's try friends. Things progress still while JD is still in the picture. The friend idea with Cody doesn't work. Cody is there for me for everything. Good days, bad days, emotional days, heartbroken days, happy days, hopeless days, wonderful days, everyday. Cody endures endless scrutinizing by a never approving biased family. Cody endures everything that has to do with JD, including now dates and personal time with him. Still things progress. Things get tough with JD he disappears and I finally give Cody the commitment he has been patiently waiting for. Things progress. Months and months go by. Things progress a lot. We fall in love, to the point that I am finally happy again. I am looking forward to the future instead of being scared. I trust Cody with my heart and know he will take care of it. Things progress to the highest of highs. We talk wedding. We plan engagement. We plan everything. We are weeks away from the happiest time of our lives. And then JD reappears. I struggle. I am once again in pain. I am afraid of what Cody will think to hear I am struggling all over again. I tell Cody my difficult feelings, and Cody again is cool, calm, and confident. He is there to comfort me as I am telling him I have difficult feelings. He is there to reassure me that everything will be okay and that he loves me more than anything in this world and always will. Do things still progress this time?
Life is so, so cruel. Life is so, so unfair. Life is so, so hard.
I'm so sick of being confused. I'm so sick of crying. I'm so sick of having broken hearts. I'm so sick of searching for my happy ending. Freaking, let it happen already. Give me a break already. Can just like, one thing ever go smoothly for me? Just one. That's all I ask.
Please, give me an answer. Tell me what to do.
You know those super predictable, really cheesy, ridiculous chick flicks where the girl is getting married to the man of her dreams. She is extremely happy and thinks everything is just perfect. Then right before the actual marriage part happens, the girl has the guy that has grown up with her, her best friend in the world, the kid next door, come to her and tell her she is making a mistake and that he is in love with her. He says, "Marry me, not him."
Ya. Apparently that happens in real life too. And it's about the worst thing in the world. If I remember correct, it's about 50/50 where either the girl talks with the best friend and says she loves the other man and is doing the right thing and marries him, or she leaves the man and ends up marrying the best friend. That whole fact doesn't help my cause either.
It's funny, I've spent a lot of my time writing about Cody and JD. And many of my blog posts have about 20, 30, 50...sometimes 70 views. Except the ones in detail about Cody and JD. For example the one with like 3,219 views. People love that kind of crap. And not one of those three thousand people can give me any idea of what they would do? Come on. Life is SO unfair.
JD. We dated 2 years, knew each other our whole lives. Had everything as close to a perfect relationship as you can get. Head over heels falling more in love everyday. Then, he leaves to serve a mission. But to me, it feels like he died. He was gone, gone from my life, gone from everything. I couldn't see him, talk to him, hear him, have anything to do with him. For two years. No one will understand how hard that is. How painful every single moment of every day was. How big of a heart break I had to mend. Each day was excruciatingly painful. Then, he comes home. Things are alright kinda good for a few months. Things for him feel the same, but for me...I had mended a broken heart and was now trying to reopen that back up. It was difficult. I didn't know what to do. Each day was a day spent in my room crying, asking for help. I question our relationship and wonder if it really is the same or has the potential to be the same as it was 2 years ago. I tell him JD I need some time to figure it out and figure out what my feelings for him still were. And he disappears again. And the heartbreak I feel resembles and magnifies the heartbreak I felt before. Except this time, he was choosing to be away. I move on, mend another heart break by fully allowing someone else into my heart. I eventually go to JD to finally announce I am going to be getting married. And a switch flips. JD says all of the things I wanted to hear from him when he came home. He does all of the things and shows all of care he should have from the start. He tells me I am making the wrong choice, that he will do everything in his power for me to see that I need to be with him. That he loves me and has always loved me and made a mistake by not showing it the whole time. He finally comes back, finally the way he was before. The man I was so deeply in love with was finally here before me. Now? Now. When it's dannnggg near too late.
Cody. I meet this really fun, cute guy 8 months before JD comes home from his mission. It's all casual at first, all fun and games. He knows about JD. He sees pictures of JD everywhere. But he's cool and calm and confident. Things progress, my feelings grow. But I'm cautious... still keeping everything that has to do with JD around. Things progress still. Cody meets the family. The family is so hard on him because, well, he's not JD. Still Cody stays calm and confident. Things progress still. Things are so wonderful. But still I keep everything that has to do with JD around. JD comes home. I dump Cody on his butt faster than a bullet. I choose JD. And regret it sorely. I'm deeply heartbroken and extremely depressed, even when I'm with JD. I go back to talk to Cody and he's worse off than I am. Cody does everything he can to spend a few more seconds with me, including making me drive around with him looking for something that didn't exist to stall for time. We say, let's try friends. Things progress still while JD is still in the picture. The friend idea with Cody doesn't work. Cody is there for me for everything. Good days, bad days, emotional days, heartbroken days, happy days, hopeless days, wonderful days, everyday. Cody endures endless scrutinizing by a never approving biased family. Cody endures everything that has to do with JD, including now dates and personal time with him. Still things progress. Things get tough with JD he disappears and I finally give Cody the commitment he has been patiently waiting for. Things progress. Months and months go by. Things progress a lot. We fall in love, to the point that I am finally happy again. I am looking forward to the future instead of being scared. I trust Cody with my heart and know he will take care of it. Things progress to the highest of highs. We talk wedding. We plan engagement. We plan everything. We are weeks away from the happiest time of our lives. And then JD reappears. I struggle. I am once again in pain. I am afraid of what Cody will think to hear I am struggling all over again. I tell Cody my difficult feelings, and Cody again is cool, calm, and confident. He is there to comfort me as I am telling him I have difficult feelings. He is there to reassure me that everything will be okay and that he loves me more than anything in this world and always will. Do things still progress this time?
Life is so, so cruel. Life is so, so unfair. Life is so, so hard.
I'm so sick of being confused. I'm so sick of crying. I'm so sick of having broken hearts. I'm so sick of searching for my happy ending. Freaking, let it happen already. Give me a break already. Can just like, one thing ever go smoothly for me? Just one. That's all I ask.
Please, give me an answer. Tell me what to do.
It sounds like Cody makes you the happiest. You havent been happy with JD the way you are happy with Cody. In a marriage you need a man who will hav eyour back 110% all the time... not a man who will be there when its convienent for him.
ReplyDeleteI think it's sort of unfair to ask the blogging community to make a decision on who you should marry! haha I mean I don't know anything about them except what I've read. All I can say is if you're planning marriage with a guy, you can't love another guy that much can you?
ReplyDeleteHaha don't worry Lacy, I'm not asking the blogging community who I should marry. I know it's a much bigger decision than that. I use this blog basically to journal my thoughts and ideas, it won't make my life decisions for me. Any advice from others is welcomed always, but I will make my own decision ultimately. These are just my thoughts and struggles along the way.
ReplyDeleteAnd to answer your other question, essentially yes you are right. There is always a huge debate when it comes to the topic of can you love two people at once. Now that I've been put in the position over the last few years, I strongly believe you can. But it's more what feelings are feelings you've been longing for from the past and are just there because you have wanted that before and what feelings really are the and have always been there? I guess that's a bit more of my question.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like your feelings for JD are still very strong. Maybe your confusion with him telling you that he still loves you is the answer? I don't know but I would spend time with JD to be sure and I would think Cody would want you to be certain also. Good Luck!
ReplyDelete