Spirit of Christmas

In light of all the stress I've been under lately, life has been pretty good! I finally finished my classes today, and even though I wasn't sure it was possible, I did well on my Pharmacology final and passed that class! Man, that teacher was tough, and I've got her for Pharm 2 next quarter too! Oh well, at least I'm learning my drugs! 

I've spent a lot of time the last few days shopping for Christmas stuff.  It's been kinda fun to go around and get things for everyone, but at the same time it frustrates the heck out of me.  Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas- I'm no Scrooge.  But, is it really necessary to go out a spend all this money on a bunch of things that no one really needs?  I understand the excitement of it all, but I see all the presents under the tree and I can't help but think, is there anything under that tree that any of us really NEEDS?  Probably not.  People use this time to go spend a lot more money than they need to on a lot of dumb things that people are going to forget about in a few months.  

I really was hoping this season I could find somewhere to volunteer or help out at during this time.  A few months ago I was able to volunteer with my nursing school group at an awesome cafe downtown that cooks all organic, yummy food!  They have a suggested price for their food, but you pay what you can, even if it is nothing.  As long as people do what they can to give back, whether that's donating money or donating time and service, they can eat the amazing food they cook!  It was so great to help out, just for the sake of doing something nice.  However, it was quite a bit of work to get it all set up to volunteer there!  I would love to volunteer for the Christmas season, except there aren't very many places that let you walk in and just give your time.  Now days, it's like getting a job.  You have to go through an entire process of applying and interviewing, setting up scheduled shifts, and having extensive background done.  Not that that is a problem, it just is something that takes a long time to get set up.  So if anyone knows of or sees a volunteering opportunity that is a lot easier than that, let me know! 

I went and saw the house in Herriman that they created from the movie Up.  It literally looks like it was straight out of the movie, it's totally awesome!  It closes to the public on Dec. 31st because someone bought it and is going to live in it!  So everyone should go see it while they can, but make sure you watch the movie first!

Life is good.  :)

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The Road Home

Over the last two years, I have accrued a lot of friends who have sent out a boyfriend on a mission.  Mainly because I went looking for those girls who were in the same crappy situation I was in two years ago so that we could maybe talk about this process and help each other through it.  Let me remind you that in no way, shape, or form do I want anyone else to go through what I have gone through the last two years in sending my boyfriend off and away to serve a mission.  Was it the best thing he and I have ever done?  Yes.  Was it the worst thing he and I have ever done?  YES.

I don't think I have fully given credit to the entire situation that has happened to me and the boy I called my missionary.  We had the best relationship a couple could ask for before he left.  We knew we would be together without a doubt, hence the decision I made to "wait" for him.  I had no idea really how hard that was really going to be.  Two years is a lifetime when you are counting every minute of it down.  

Obviously, if you have read more of my blog, you know that my "waiting" for my missionary was much less than ideal.  I decided less than halfway through that I was going to date other people, and while I do not regret that decision one bit, it did make everything difficult.  It was all fine and dandy until I met a boy who changed my world completely, and sadly enough, made me forget the plans and promises that particular missionary and I had together.  Yes, I was honest with the missionary about everything going on, and he knew full well coming home that things were not the same because I also had someone else in my life now.  And as much as I would love to say things are all figured out now with that, they most definitely aren't.  They are still as complicated as ever.  Many days I have a minor meltdown about the whole situation and have no idea how to get myself out of this huge hole.  BUT.  It will all be alright.  It will get figured out.  It may take time, and lots of effort, but a solution will come around.  

I did however, want to express my feelings about this whole two year process I have gone through recently.  My advice to girls who are just entering this really difficult thing always used to be, don't do it.  But at the same time, I understand what it is like to be in love and feel like you will give anything and everything for that person, even if it means to be apart for two years.  If you are getting into this spot I was in, or are just starting out, here is my quick two cents from someone having been through the entire process.  Prepare yourself for hurt, first of all.  A little harsh, I know.  But it's not easy, and you have to accept that from day one.  There will be many days you will feel like this is the worst decision you guys ever made.  But it's not.  Second, date other people.  It is so, SO needed while the person you love is away the way they are when serving a mission.  Not only do you really find out what you want in your future, but it gets your mind off of how crappy your circumstances are at the time.  Don't be afraid to have fun!  It really is okay, regardless of what anyone else says.  However, one thing I would add, don't let yourself get serious with anyone while that missionary is still out serving.  It is very difficult not to convince yourself that he will never come home.  But the truth is, he will come home, and it will be sooner than you think.  Date, yes.  But hold off being serious because that can change everything and if the person you meet while your missionary is gone really does want to be with you, they will wait until you are ready for things to progress.  Lastly, enjoy the time!  Enjoy writing letters and sending packages.  Enjoy the fact that you get a fresh start with a guy you fell madly in love with.  Enjoy growing together, and learning together, and just experiencing the whole mission together.  JD's mission felt like just as much my mission as it did his.  Yes, our experiences were different, but we both went through the whole two years, and we both went through an entire process together. 

My missionary has been home a month now.  It has been the biggest roller coaster now than the entire time apart we had.  We've had the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows.  I wake up and still don't believe myself that he is here.  I imagined this, dreamed of this for two years and now he is here.  I believe my fairy tale ending will come eventually.  Maybe it won't be with my missionary, maybe it will.  That I do not know.  But I do know that when sending a boyfriend on a mission, if you want it to work badly enough, it will.  If you stick it out long enough and decide now that you are going to be together, you will.  Things are different when they come home, but they are even more the same.  That's confusing I know, but only those that have been through this will fully understand what that means.  I'm so happy JD is home.  I'm so happy he is here, and I can call him or text him or see him whenever I feel like it.  It was such a difficult two years in so many ways.  And while I can't fully say I waited the two years because I have a fork in the road I still figuring out which path to take, I can say what I did wait for was worth it.  Whether that was to go through this rough patch and end up with JD all along, or if I grew and learned and end up with someone else, it was worth the whole run. 

 This is the beginning of my fairy tale!  I mean, in all the fairy tales, no one realizes how difficult each of the princesses had it first right?  Cinderella had a family that treated her terribly.  Belle got kidnapped and held hostage.  Mulan joined the army to fight.  Sleeping Beauty was in a pretty massive coma.  Snow White had an evil lady plotting to kill her constantly.  Jasmine had her dad signing her life away to an evil man who wanted to control her.  Ariel sold her voice to the evil and betrayed her father.  Should I keep going?  But all of these princesses found their prince.  All of these princesses endured their trials and pushed through long enough to be happy in the end.  I will too! And considering the difficult time I'm put through now, I'd say that's a fair indication that I'm almost to the happy ending part too.  :)

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Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Happiness

I was looking at a friend of mine's wedding pictures for the first time the other day. And I love her, yet her pictures made me hate her so much! Her wedding, her pictures, her dress, her ring, her gorgeous husband, her LIFE is just so perfect! How can that be fair at all? How can something so happy and beautiful make me hate her so much? Okay, I don't really hate her but I sure do wish sometimes I could switch lives with her.

I'm sick of my life and the trials that keep on coming. They never let up, I swear I'm bound to be like this forever! Some days, like today, I am a bit more optimistic about things and realize that no matter what trials I am going through, there is someone somewhere who is enduring much worse. But then there are days like yesterday where I just feel so down and there is nothing that can bring me out of it. Some days it feels like all hope for my happiness is lost. I look at my friends who fall in love and get married so easily and it just works and I feel like that will never be me. I'm not saying I won't get married or that things won't work out for me, but I don't understand why everything has to be a huge trial for me. It can't just work. Love, school, work, family, everything goes so wrong before it can go right.

I don't think anyone does or ever will understand everything I've been going through the last six months or so. I have changed so much because life has been thrown at me full speed whether I was ready for it or not. There's many things about these last six months that I would change if I could, yet I don't regret anything either. I've learned from everything I've been put through, big and small. And even though I can't say I'm really a great member of the LDS church, I don't do everything I'm supposed to, and I always struggle relying on the Lord when I know I need to the most, I don't know how I would be able to have a smile on my face every once in a while if I didn't have the knowledge and truth of the church.

How do you decide something that will change the rest of your life? How long does it take to decide something that huge? How long is too long to wait? How do you keep a positive attitude through it all? I wish someone, like a genie, would appear and tell me what I should do. It's not that I can't make a decision for myself, that I am fully capable of. It's that I've never had to make a decision that you can't take back, that will change the outcome of your entire life, and that may cause you extreme sorrow if you choose the wrong thing. It's not that I can't decide. It's that I'm scared to. It's that I don't want to make the wrong decision. It's that I think these things take time, when other people think it should not.

I have finals next week. And a lot of studying to do. And Christmas time is here. Excited, or not? I don't know. I love Christmas time. But this Christmas may be a little different than I was expecting. Everyone expects me to be there for Christmas, yet I don't know where I belong. I think this year, I will spend Christmas by myself. Koda can come too, my dog belongs with me always. Just me and her, Christmas all to ourselves. It's the only place we belong for now!

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Love and Other Drugs

Love is rough.  All of my posts on this blog has seriously talked about how love has been such a rough road for me.  Is it ever going to be a happy ending for me?  Where is that fairy tale that we teach our children all about?  We are setting them up for failure.  I mean, we say someday this amazing wonderful prince charming will show up in your life out of the blue and it will be love at first sight.  You guys will get married right after and you will live happily ever after.  Well.  I'm here to tell you, that is BULL freaking CRAP.  I think it's an unwritten rule that your heart has to be ripped out, thrown on the ground, stomped on 10 times, picked up, put through the shredder front ways and back ways, and then scattered all over different parts of the world so that you have to go searching for every tiny piece before you can even begin to put it carefully back together.  Then, MAYBE then, you will find love.  

Is it possible to truly die from a broken heart?  Because if not, I think I may be about as close as close gets. My heart is about the hardest thing to read ever.  Everyone says, follow your heart.  Okay.... well where are the instructions on how to interpret what you heart is trying to tell you?  Following your heart is a lot easier said than done.  Because my heart doesn't even know what it wants, let alone my mind.

I want my happy ending.  I want my happily ever after.  But the pain I feel from the journey of getting there makes it feel like it will never come.  My favorite time of my days is when I sleep.  At least right now, my dreams are all happy.  All about happy times, and happy experiences.  I wake up and lay in bed longer with my eyes close and try and trick my body into thinking I am still asleep so I can continue to live those dreams.  Why am I so scared of making those dreams my reality?  Maybe this is my way of getting cold feet.  Maybe this is my I'm freaking out before a huge life change moment.  If so, I'd have to say I'm about the worst at cold feet experiences there is.  Today it feels like love is my drug.  You take part in it because it makes you feel good for the time being, however in the long run it is doing you more harm than good.  I know that in the case of love, that really isn't true.  But that's sure what it feels like right now.

I've been listening to your rap music I always hated so much.  Not because I like it now, but because it reminds me so much of you.
And I brushed my teeth in the shower today. Odd.
Oh, the things I do to feel even remotely close to you.

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Dear Little Gidget,

I miss you.  Everyone misses you so much.  You were always so tiny, weighing only 6 lbs in the healthiest time of your life, yet without you around the house is so empty.  I miss everything about you.  I miss my best cuddle buddy!  It's hard to look at your cute green blanket that you loved to lay with, whoever was using that blanket was going to be your cuddle buddy for the night.  I miss when you would play ball, and play tug of war with me, even though it feels like a lifetime since you had been strong enough to do either of those.  You were the best mother, and grandmother- supplying the entire extended family with generations of poodles!  Yet, I think you were loved the best out of all of them.  I love the way anyone who would meet you would ask us if they could take you home because everyone instantly loved you.  You were the one that convinced my Oma AND my Papa that maybe getting a dog wasn't a bad idea, especially if the dog came from you.  I keep expecting you to come around.  I've never lost anyone close to me before, so dealing with this is all new to me.  I keep coming home at night and tip toeing because I don't want to wake you up so that you whine all night, but then I remember you're not there anymore.  I keep looking for you when I sit on the couch so that I can put my hand down so you can push your head against it to climb up on the couch with me.  And I especially keep listening for the jingle your tags on your collar would make every time you walked.  I miss you baby girl.

What is it like in heaven?  You're the kind of dog that has the same kind of loving heart Jesus did.  I wouldn't be surprised if He is the one throwing the ball around for you right now.  I hope you get to keep playing ball and never tire out so you can play all day!  I hope you get to eat all the food we tried to get you to eat when you were sick because I know you would have killed to eat that stuff when you were healthy.  I hope you are taking care of family and friends that are there already, and that they are taking care of you.  I hope you found a new cuddly green blanket and that you are saving me a cuddle spot in bed someday again, as long as you learn to share the pillow this time.  I am sorry if bringing Koda around brought more stress on you.  You were so good at tolerating a hyper 6 month old puppy who was three times your size.  But then again, you were always good at tolerating everything.  Thank you for letting me cuddle with you for a few hours the morning before you died.  We hadn't gotten to spend much time together because of my busy life, but I'm glad that day we were able to spend some good old time cuddling.  I'm glad I kissed you and told you I loved you when I left the house the hour before you died.  I would have regretted not saying goodbye forever.  I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you in your dying moment, but I'm glad that a good majority of your close family who loves you was there by your side as you went back to heaven.  I'm glad you lived a wonderful long life and was one of the lucky ones who got to die peacefully at home with your family.  I'm sorry I didn't have the strength to see you after you had passed, I was afraid that was how I would always remember seeing you.  Know now though, that I don't remember you as the sick, weak, frail dog.  I see you as the cute puppy I picked up and put in my plastic shopping cart as a 5 year old girl.  I love you always and will always miss you terribly.  There is no one in the world who will understand the loss I feel by not having you here.  We didn't lose a pet, we lost a family member.  Save a spot for me in heaven and be one of the first one to greet me there when it is my turn.  I love you always Gidget, you will always be my baby girl!!

Gidget

July 23 1995 - October 20, 2011

I love you.

I miss you.

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Change

Change is so hard to get used to.  I never really understood those certain people that have an actual change-phobia because most of the time, change usually brings about something positive.  At least for me that's the way it's usually gone.  So many changes I've dealt with were such happy times for me.  Like graduating high school, starting nursing school, living on my own, getting my cute Koda... the list goes on.  All of these things were huge changes that drastically effected the rest of my life.  And they have all been such wonderful moments in my life that has helped define who I am today.

However, lately not all changes for me have been so wonderful though.  For instance, one big one was JD leaving on his mission.  Up until that point, he and I were together every minute of our every day.  He was my everything.  And I had to go from knowing everything about him, being with him daily, and talking to him every minute to not seeing him at all for two years, not ever knowing what is going on with him, and hardly getting to talk at all.. at best, through letters.  It was a huge change, a change that was probably one of the hardest ones I've been through.  Not every relationship gets put through a trial like that one.  And not many relationships can survive something like that.  As for JD and I's relationship, I don't know where we stand in that aspect because I had another life change while he was gone.  I met someone else and fell in love.  

Meeting Cody has been such a bitter sweet change for me.  He has been so wonderful and has treated me the way every girl wants to be treated.  He brings me flowers way more than he should.  He spoils me at every chance he can get.  He was raised by a house full of women, so he definitely knows how to treat a woman.  My favorite thing to watch is when he plays with his niece.  Even though he didn't have a dad to grow up with and teach him how to be the right kind of father, I know someday he will be the best father there is just by watching the way he is with his niece. He is by far my best friend on the planet, we laugh at everything together! He makes me so happy, I feel like a little kid again when I am with him because we just enjoy each other so much.  I fell in love with Cody so hard and so fast that I don't even know when he had the time or strength to catch me, but he did.  The reason the change he brought into my life by meeting me was a bitter sweet one is because while everything is so perfect with Cody, I knew that that meant it couldn't also be perfect with JD in two years.  I knew that falling for someone like I did for Cody was going to make everything so much more difficult.  

You blink, and two years goes by.  You wouldn't believe it at the beginning, everyone always told me two years flies by and I thought they were all crazy.  But they were right.  I wish I had more time than I do now before another huge change hits.  JD comes home from his mission in three weeks.  I don't know when or how this happened, and I don't know how to be ready for it.  What do you do in a situation like mine?  What happens when the boy you loved your whole life leaves so suddenly it breaks your heart completely.  Then you take a chance on one brave person who puts up with more ridicule, glares, snide remarks, gossip, and pure hatred that anyone should ever have to be put through just to be near you, and through it all you fall in love.  Then, the boy you loved your entire life returns to you, this time a man.  That's a situation I do not know how to handle or what to do with.  I don't know how anyone could handle something like that.

Everyone constantly asks, "What are you going to do when JD comes home?"  I do not have an answer for this question.  Am I thrilled and excited and so happy to see JD in three weeks?  Absolutely.  However, am I totally and completely freaked out, and try not to cry from being so scared scared about it on a daily basis?  Yep.  I don't have any more answers than the next person.  I know this is going to be probably one of the hardest times in my life.  I know that people are going to get hurt badly, let alone I will hurt regardless of what happens.  I also know that I and so many others make this into such a bigger deal than it needs to be.  So what am I going to do?  What is my plan?  Nothing.  That's all.  Just nothing.  Except pray.  And try not to put so much stress on myself about it that I explode.  Keyword = try.  I am young.  I have time to figure my life out and am in no rush to find a quick answer to anything.  When it comes, it comes and I will know.  But for now, I will continue to live my life the way I am, be thrilled to see JD again finally after two years, and continue my wonderful relationship with Cody.  Things have a way of working themselves out.  One thing I learned at my first clinical rotation for nursing school from a cute lady who was born in 1914... "A watched pot never boils."  Once I stop expecting I will know exactly what to do, that's when I will finally figure it out.   

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My Baby

I love my baby.  My sweet, sweet 7 1/2 month old Siberian Husky named Koda.  I have posted about her many times before.  But it's been a little while since I've shown how much I really love that girl.  My hell that dog can be such a pain though, and she makes me so angry! Especially when she decides she is going to somehow get away from me and take off down the street, and then turn it all into a catch me if you can game.  It's super not funny.  Or when she decides she is going to turn the water fountains in the backyard into chew toys that she later is going to dig a giant grave for in the garden.  Okay, to me that one is a little funny.  But to my parents who pay for that fountain, again, super not funny.  

However, that cute little crap can be so much fun too!  Like when we go to Dog Lake up Millcreek canyon, and she jumps and plays in the water with the other dogs.  Yet, she doesn't want to go too deep where she has to swim, so she runs around splashing everyone and intently watching any dog that goes deeper than she would prefer.  I know she'll be out there too one day.  Or how she absolutely loves to look at herself in the mirror.  She's not dumb, she knows she is looking at herself.  She just wants to look at herself.  Or look at me through the mirror, because that is so much better than looking at me in person.   Or how when I have to get ready to go somewhere, I make her come downstairs with me to get ready.  And now, she has learned that when I go in the bathroom and get ready and then go into the bedroom to change, that after that usually comes the cage because I have to go.  So now, instead of me telling her, when I go into my room to change, she automatically walks herself to her cage and plops herself inside and waits for me to close it.  

I love how she has learned certain words.  Like walk, oh my, she gets real excited and runs to the front door.  Or food, she goes to the garage door and sits and stares at it because she knows that's where her food is kept.  She knows cage, obviously, and is so good at just walking right into her cage when I tell her to.  She also knows bedtime now, and knows when I say that, that it is time to go downstairs and go to sleep.  She knows car, and knows that when I say car, that usually means we are going to see Cody or going to the dog park, which are her two favorite things.  She is also pretty good at leave it, especially when it comes to my 16 year old poodle in the house that she wants to play with so badly.  She has learned now though that anytime she gets close to Gidget, we say leave it.  She's not allowed to touch her.  Well, of course my little Koda found a way around that one.  She wants so badly to bother Gidget but knows that if she touches her she will be in trouble, so what does she do?  She runs and jumps OVER her.  Then looks at me like, "What? I didn't touch her!"  It's super, super funny.  But so, so naughty.  

I love that dog.  She is my everything.  She is a whole lot of work to take care of, but I wouldn't trade it all for the world.  We have a long life ahead of us together and I could not have a better dog to look forward to that all with.  Yep, she sounds like a significant other or something.  Well, I just love her that much! She is my baby!  :) 

Well, she may be scared to swim in the water for now, but she absolutely loves sprinklers and any other water source.  This day, the garden was being water and she decided to... help.

This is her favorite stuffed animal that she always steals from my little brother's room.  It happens to be a stuffed husky... you can tell I am mad at her for stealing the toy in this picture, haha. 

Another day playing in the garden, I believe she was either stung by a bee or bit by a spider.. hence the ginormous swollen nose.  Yes, I had to put benedryl cream on her nose after this. 

My baby girl, Koda.  She's getting super big.  Last month at the vet she weighed 41 lbs.  I would be willing to bet she is over 50 now.  She still has her one blue eye and her one brown eye has now turned half blue also.  She's the most stubborn dog I know, but I love her.  And so does everyone else, we still have yet to go out somewhere and not have someone say how beautiful she is.  I know, I know, she got her good looks from me, right?  ;) 

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Attitude

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone tries to be a tattle tail (sp?).  But even worse, when that tattle tail is in a professional work setting.  I mean, come on! I am dealing with drama, as you can tell.  Sometimes, most of the time, I feel like my life is one big soap opera.  Work has been the main event for me lately.  I wish I could go on and on and just let everything I have been feeling about work out right now, but you never know who is going to read this and I don't want to get in trouble with the wrong person for what I say.  So I'll just leave it at, holy drama.  

Next, my dating is life more complicated than it can possibly get.  I am dating an amazing, wonderful, GREAT guy that I am absolutely crazy and in love with.  Think that should be the end of the story right there, right?  Wrong.  My missionary comes home in one month and twenty days.  My relationship with him before he left was as strong and perfect as a relationship can get.  So yes, while I know how strongly I feel about the guy I am dating right now, it is very difficult to allow myself to forget completely about my missionary when there was that huge connection that really never ended.  Sending a missionary off isn't like breaking up because you don't have that confirmation that things will not be the same anymore.  When you send a missionary off, you are basically saying, I love you, I want to be with you, but I know I can't so I'll see you in two years and we'll see where we both are at in life and how we feel.  Personally, that is such an unfair place to leave a relationship at.  How is someone supposed to completely move on and love again when there is that dot, dot, dot to the last relationship they were in?  You don't ever want to move on and then always wonder what would have happened.  Dating while my missionary has been gone has been the best decision I have made.  Yes, it has made everything a million times more complicated.  Yes, it has caused a lot of stress and extreme worry in my family, and all other families involved.  And yes, sometimes I wonder what the heck I have gotten myself into because I don't know where to go from here.  BUT.  I have enjoyed myself and learned.  I have made mistakes and learned from them and because of them, I am stronger in myself, my testimony, and have gained more confidence in myself and what I want for my future.  I know there is pain ahead in dealing with and figuring out a solution to the choices I have ahead of me, but I can't worry about it because it will work out in the right time and there is no need to fear what I have ahead of me.  I read a quote the other day and I wrote it down and hung it in my bathroom so that I can see it every day I get ready.  I really like the quote because it reminds me that no matter what goes on around me, or what happens in my life, it is up to me to decide how I want to handle it and how I want to feel regardless.  Here it is:

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.  Attitude to me is more important that facts.  It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do.  It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.  It will make or break an athletic team, company, organization, church, or a home.  The remarkable thing is that we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  We cannot change the regrets of the past nor do we need to fear the events of the future.  Regret and fear are twin thieves who would rob us of the thing we have control over, that is our attitude.  We need to learn to go into the arena every day with a winning attitude and enjoy the challenges it brings.  I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.  And so it is with you ....... we are in charge of our attitudes."  -Charles Swindoll

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Me Against The World

It's hard sometimes to be alone. But the fact of the matter is, there is a point in time that you have to face some things alone. No, I'm not meaning that God is not there. I understand you always have the Lord to go to, but let's also be real here. You need someone here, in the flesh to rely on also. But sometimes that's not always possible. This is my today.

I have many people in my life that I can rely on. Many people I can trust and look to whenever I need something. But there's always a limit to everything. There's always a breaking point in any normal person. When they decide enough is enough right now. What's incredible to me is that sometimes that happens with everyone all at once. That's where I am at tonight. I'm at the point where all the people I care and rely on so heavily have just burnt out their last ember. It's understandable, I know I bring a lot to the table lol. And I guess sometimes I just have to figure things out on my own.

But what do you do when you feel like you can't hold the weight of the world on your shoulders alone? Sometimes that pressure is just a tad too much and you think you may crack at any moment. That's when that support system comes in to save you. But what happens when that supposed system is busy saving someone else? Where do you go next? Tonight, it is me against the world. Most the time I can make it through, I like to think I am a strong person. And I guess that's what it's going to have to take this time. Tonight, I am the only one here.

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Patriarchal Blessings

My life right now isn't what you would call easy.  I know everyone goes through trials in some form or the other.  And certain people have bigger trials than others.  Well, I will have to admit, some of the trials I have been dealt are pretty up there in difficulty.  Some days are harder than others.  There are times that I feel like I have no where to go and no solution to any of the problems I have to deal with.  It can be so overwhelming that I don't even know where to start.  And for me, that is where the gospel HAS to come in. 

I don't think I realize how important and necessary the gospel is to my life until I am forced to turn to it in times like now.  When people tell you to pray, for me, sometimes it is really frustrating.  I don't always want that answer, I'm the kind of person that would just like my answers written out in plain English.  A prayer takes time, effort, patience, faith, and complete trust in the Lord.  While I like to think I have some of those attributes, I know I am lacking in some of those also.  However, the best part about the gospel is that the Lord knows us so well.  And He definitely knows I am an impatient person.  While I think He likes to push me to my limit sometimes, He also knows when enough is enough and when I need a lifeline thrown out to me.  Tonight was one of those nights. 

I was sitting at work, bored as ever, thinking about everything going on in my life.  When I have lots of extra time on my hands to think, that's when I start to really freak out about the situation I have in my hands.  I was worried, scared about all the things I have to face ahead.  Well, I was cleaning out my room yesterday (still unpacking from moving back home) and I came across my patriarchal blessing.  It was in an envelope that I have not opened in many years. I didn't read it right then, I just put it in my purse. At work tonight, I remembered I had put it in there and decided to pull it out and give it a little look.  

It's incredible the things you find when it's inspired by the Lord.  Call me crazy, maybe it was coincidence that I found and decided to read my blessing now when it's been so many years since I even glanced at it.  But I don't think so.  I think this was my lifeline I needed.  I think the Lord has finally said, "Okay.  You understand the things that I needed you to realize.  Now I will give you a little string of hope to help you through it all."  Did reading my blessing finally answer all my questions and solve all of my fears I was feeling?  Of course not.  I wish, but no.  What it more was, was a punch in the gut, a slap in the face, a major wake up call.  It was my way of being told, "Hello! Here are these blessing I have given you.  Blessing that not everyone gets, just you.  You specifically.  And I gave you the most important blessing you need for what is going on with you right now! Why the heck aren't you using it?"  

I have had two huge questions on my mind lately.  Two huge, life changing questions.  Reading that blessing completely answered one of them.  Easy.  Done and done.  And the other?  I now know that I do not need to worry or focus any more energy or pain over this question.  Will it get solved?  Yes.  Do I have some homework to do for this one?  Yes.  But do I need to strain myself over it, heck no.  What an amazing, successful night tonight was.  I don't know how people who are not a part of the gospel get things done.  Any time I forget to use the gospel as my resource, I get nowhere.  I go in circles and circles and freak out more than I need to until the Lord throws me that little lifeline.  If I weren't able to recognize and appreciate that help from Him, I don't know where I would be.  Probably still in the same problems all the time because they would not be solved to any kind of satisfaction. 

I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints so much.  I know I am so terrible at telling my non member friends how important this gospel is to me.  I am terrible at telling my member friends also for that matter.  I think it can be easy to just fall into the motion of life and forget about the important things.  But when all is said and done, I know when I go to bed every night that I have the Lord on my side in everything I do.  When I feel like I am all alone in handling my problems and decisions of life and that I have no where to look for an answer, that I can get that answer by relying on the gospel.  So many times before when I have thought there is no hope left, I get that little glimmer of hope back from something that happens at church, through reading scriptures, or even just the kindness and service of the members of church.  I am so happy and so proud to be a member of the LDS church and I know it's something that will be a part of my life forever.  Without it, I would not be the person I am today, which although I have many faults, many more than most people I am sure, I know I can be proud of who I am and the things I do in my life thanks to the gospel showing me the example and leading the way for me.  :)

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Heavenly Father,

Are you really there? And do you hear and answer every childs prayer? Some say that heaven is far away... But I feel it closer everytime I pray.

Heavenly Father,

I remember now. Something that Jesus told disciples long ago. "Suffer the children to come to me." Father, in prayer I'm coming now to thee.

Pray, he is there. Speak, he is listening. You are his child. His love now surrounds you. He hears your prayers. He loves the children. Of such is the kingdom, the kingdom of heaven.

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Koda and Life

Well basically it's been a lifetime and a half since I have updated this blog once again.  I go through phases of whether or not I want to keep writing on it, but I love reading other people's blogs so I figure I better keep mine up so I can keep reading other's also.  Life is constantly changing in drastic ways for me.  It's hard to believe that the life I am living right now is actually my life.  Where did all my stability go? Everything is in constant motion.  Well I guess I will start at the top. 

I got into nursing school at Broadview University.  It is an accelerated private program and it has been great so far.  It's a lot of work, a lot of homework to be exact, but so far so good.  I should be finished in about December of 2012, and I cannot wait for that day! To be an RN and to make some good money instead of being a boring, old CNA would be great!

Next, my missionary.  He is always a topic of my conversation, a headline in my mind.  Waiting for a missionary is tortureous, terrible work.  I DO NOT EVER recommend it for anyone.  Just don't do it.  As for me, it is a constant up and down rollercoaster.  I love that guy in Kentucky, I know I do. But it's so difficult to know exactly how you feel when you haven't seen, let alone really talked to someone in 18 months.  SO difficult.  It is such a scary process and there is never peace of mind.  Especially when I am home seeing so many friends that I have known had missionaries they were waiting for, whose missionary came home and it was so different and didn't work out, or the missionary wrote her off!  I can't tell you how many times I've seen it happen here. Now, I know J.D. would never write me off.  I know that.  But it's scary to think about how it will be when he gets home.  Willl things be the same between us?  Or will it feel totally awkward?  I was actually able to talk to J.D. for the first time on Mother's Day this year.  Not only that, but I was able to Skype with him!  I got to see his face and talk with him at the same time.  Against the rules?  Who knows.  Maybe, maybe not.  I don't freaking care.  It had been so, so long and it was well past time for it.  Talking with him was great, and it actually did feel very normal.  So that gives me confidence that things will be just the same when he gets home.  But it's still something you never stop worrying about.

Now.  Complication #1.  Dating.  Yes, I have been dating since J.D. has been gone.  Yes, there have been some amazing guys in my life, no one that I have actually seen much reason to worry about as far as J.D. and I though.  Until now.  I met this guy who is absolutely amazing in every way.  I spend a lot of time with him and I have grown so close with him that he really is a big part of my life.  The scariest part of it all, is that I could see myself being with him forever, and I would be extremely happy! He knows how to treat a woman, he has been through a lot in his life, he is very driven and ambitious, and he has become one of my very best friends.  I have not kept J.D. in the dark about this guy, yes he knows.  Yes, he hates it but he is also understanding at the same time.  Dating is a process that needed to happen while J.D. was gone.  Things will all work out the way they are supposed to.  I know that I am putting myself in a situation that will end in hurt, no matter the outcome.  Either J.D. will hurt, or this guy will hurt badly.  And in either case I will hurt badly.  Not to mention the hurt that it puts on families in all parties.  But, I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and if that is true then God will not let me get into a situation that I or anyone else cannot handle.  Pain is a part of the experience of finding the person you are going to be with forever, and it is a necessary and crucial part.  I have learned from every painful experience I have been put through.  And I am not alone in figuring out where I am supposed to be in this decision making process.  As scary as it all can be, God is on my side and will help me through it.

Now, on a happier note.  I have a new addition to my family.  Her name is Koda, and she is a beautiful all white Siberian Husky that has one baby blue eye and one brown eye that has a line of blue in it.  She is about 3 months old now, and she is the love of my life! My goodness, puppies can absolutely suck sometimes, Koda sure knows how to get into everything, and destroy it all! But once I got a cage for her to be in when I'm not home, it has improved greatly.  She has a lot of energy and takes away a lot of my own energy, but she is a lot of fun and I love her to death. 

Well, I think that's about all I'm going to say for now.  I will work on keeping this updated a little better for my own sake, who knows who reads this.  But it's always fun to look back upon and laugh about the good times in my life. :)

Koda on the first day I got her, 7 weeks old.

First day that Koda's ears stood up!

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Love Is a Battlefield

I think the title is enough explanation in itself.  Dating and falling in love is a such a scary process.  You can meet someone and be entirely entraced by them, and then the next thing you know things are completely different.  But I guess that's all in the name of love. I guess though, if we didin't have such lows when it comes to love, that you also wouldn't feel as much of a high as you do when you find it.  Love isn't meant to last forever with everyone, however I don't think that doesn't mean you didn't love them at some point. There is that person that you meet where that love with them is going to last forever, survive through every trial it is put through, and only grow stronger because of it.  But there are other loves that come in life just to teach you.  Teach you something about yourself, teach you something about life, maybe just to teach you something about love itself.  I personally have had a few different occasions in my where I have loved and gotten hurt, or hurt another. And of course it is hard, it can make you bitter and make you tell yourself that you are taking yourself out of the game of love completely.  However, when I think back on everything I have been through, I don't regret nor would I take back one single second of everything that has happened in my life.  Pain and happiness of love has made me who I am today.  Love is a learning experience, that you can only learn as you go.  Me personally, I'm still in love with the boy that I liked in 3rd grade.  Maybe he is the one for me whose love will stand the test of time.  But for now, it's not something I am going to worry about.  Love comes around in it's own time.  Whether that is tomorrow, or two years spent apart.. only God will know.  :)

Favorite song about Love at this moment in time..

Read the words and listen to their meaning.

I've capitalized my favorite parts of this song. I love it.

"Live Like We're Dying" by Kris Allen

Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up

We're hiding behind skin that's too tough

HOW COME WE DON'T SAY I LOVE YOU ENOUGH?

TILL IT'S TOO LATE, IT'S NOT TOO LATE

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come

And we could make a feast from these crumbs

And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun

So if your life flashed before you, what would you wish you would've done?

Yeah, we gotta start looking at the hand of the time we've been given

If this is all we got, then we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We've only got 86-400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them while we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

AND IF YOUR PLANE FELL OUT OF THE SKIES

WHO WOULD YOU CALL WITH YOUR LAST GOODBYES?

SHOULD BE SO CAREFUL WHO WE LEFT OUT OF OUR LIVES

AND WHEN WE LONG FOR ABSOLUTION, THERE WILL BE NO ONE ON THE LINE

You never know a good thing till it's gone

You never see a crash till it's head on

Why do we think we're right when we're dead wrong?

You never know a good thing till it's gone

Yeah, gotta start looking at the hands of the time we've been given

If this is all we got, then we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We've only got 86-400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them while we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying.

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You're Still The One - Shania Twain

Looks like we've made it

Look how far we've come my baby

We might have took the long way

We knew we'd make it someday

They said, "I bet they'll never make it"

But just look at us holding on

We're still together

Still holding strong

You're still the one I run to

The one that I belong to

You're still the one I want for life

You're still the one that I love

The only one I dream of

You're still the one I kiss goodnight

Aint nothing better

We beat the odds together

I'm glad we didn't listen

Look at what we would be missing

They said, "I bet they'll never make it"

But just look at us holding on

We're still together

Still holding strong

You're still the one I run to

The one that I belong to

You're still the one I want for life

You're still the one that I love

The only one I dream of

You're still the one I kiss goodnight

I'm so glad we made it

Look how far we've come my baby..

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Baby Emma and Shooting

Well, it's official! Baby Emma is here! She was born on Jan. 18th at 3:53 p.m. weighing in at 8 lbs and 11 oz! Except later that day they found out that that weight was incorrect somehow because she really weighed 7 lbs 3 oz. Which made a lot more sense because Cassi wasn't very big. I didn't go see her the day she was born, I went over to St. Mark's hospital the next day to visit the cute new family. Cassi was still in bed but she was looking great! Riley was doing such a great job, he was cute to watch as a new daddy. They are going to be great parents without a doubt. Emma is so beautiful and is going to be so much fun to watch grow up. I can't believe she is going to be almost 10 months old when JD gets home! It's too bad he had too miss this experience of her birth but I know he's happy where he's at. I cannot wait for the day he will finally get to meet her. :)

 Holding Emma my first time!

Momma with her new baby.

 Emma Crawley! :)

Another part of my week that was super exciting was I went to Robbie Robertson's house to take a look at his collection of guns. I met this guy that started me getting into guns and hunting a little bit, so I've taken an interest in learning about it. My dad owns a few guns himself and just bought a couple more. Robbie was the city council before my dad was and they are pretty close so he set up a time for me to come over so he could show me all he knows. It was so exciting, Robbie is such an amazing guy! He has so many awads and recognitions from some really amazing people. He met President Reagan, did security for President Hinckley, served and fought in the Air Force, recieved a personal handgun from President Ford, was given some golden guns from West Point where his sons graduated from and one of his sons was actually asked to be a professor at now, owns guns that date back to the Civil and Revolutionary Wars, and so many other incredible things. It was such a cool experience and I would love to do it again someday.

Saturday I was actually able to go shooting with my family. I have shot a few other rifles before, but this was my first time shooting a handgun and a shotgun. They both were really cool to shoot! The shotgun has a lot more kick than other guns, but it wasn't too bad. It was pretty sweet. I was so excited to shoot my dad's handgun, which is a Glock .40 caliber, and it was exhilerating! Robbie is going to give me the concealed weapons class for free so I'm hoping one day I will be able to own a gun like that myself. I have a lot, a LOT to learn about guns because you have to always be incredibly safe when it comes to guns, but I am definately willing to take the time to learn. Shooting those guns was a super fun experience and everyone should give it a fair, SAFE try!

The gun Robbie was given personally by President Ford.

One of the golden guns from West Point.

One of my favorite guns Robbie had. It was such a beautiful rifle that had the most amazing engravings on it!

 My first time shoot the Glock .40 caliber

Shooting my dad's new shotgun.

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Babies and Hockey

I had a great week that was filled with babies and hockey. First off, JD's sister Cassi is due to have her baby this week! I can't believe it's already here, it's going to be so much fun to have that little girl here with us finally! We had a baby shower for her last week and it was so exciting to see all the baby clothes and everything else. I deal with baby stuff like this every week with my job in the NICU, but it's so much more exciting when it's someone you know and love who is having the baby. Cassi and I have definately had our differences for sure, but I love her to pieces and I am so excited for her and Riley to have their little girl come into the world soon! It was good to go to the shower also to be able to see all of JD's family that I don't get to see very often. It's not always easy seeing them because it remind's me how hard it is to have JD gone, but I am still amazed everytime to see how highly everyone talks about JD!

 Cassi and Mia at the baby shower while Cassi opens gifts.

                                   

Cassi's cute belly! She is not very big considering it's her first.

Me holding Tobin's super cute little nephew at the shower!

I also was able to go to a lot of hockey this week! I went to the Murray high school hockey game in Bountiful which is always a lot of fun. I don't miss high school at all except for the hockey games. It was so much fun to be able to watch all of my friends play. Now my friend's little brother plays and it's a huge trip down memory lane to watch him play. Hopefully I will be able to watch some of those guys play again when they get back from their missions!

A few weeks ago something terrible happend. My friend Parker's dad passed away. He was at the Murray hockey game of course, he was the hockey dad, and the Zamboni got stuck on the ice before the game. Dave (Parker's father) went out on the ice to help push the Zamboni off when he slipped on the ice and hit his head. He was in a coma for two weeks with brain swelling and then passed away due to a stroke. It was such an unexpected accident and it is scary to think how quickly life can change. Parker is serving a mission in the Dominican Republic right now and he has been so strong through all of it. He is staying out on his mission which I think takes so much courage and I'm so proud of him for it. His whole family has been really great at dealing with this tragedy and they are being blessed greatly for it!

The Grizzly hockey game last night was having a fundraiser for the Brown family so a lot of us along with the Murray hockey team went to the game. They let Dakota (Parker's little brother who is currently on the hockey team) drop the puck at the begining of the game. They also highlighted the family throughout the game and it was really nice. As far as the game goes, the Grizzlys lost. BUT. It was such a super fun game! In the first five seconds of the game, every single player was in a fight. That is not an exaggeration, every single player on the ice was fighting with someone. It was crazy! Then, every player was put in the penalty box. Imagine that. Better yet, look it up on YouTube, they played the Stockton Thunder. There were so many fights throughout the entire game, more than usual for a Grizzly game. And at the end of the game the Grizzly coach was so frustrated that he threw all of the team's hockey sticks out onto the ice. It was so awesome. I love that you can go to a hockey game and even if they are losing, you can have so much fun waching the game! I think it's safe for me to say that hockey is the best sport ever. And that's all. It's been a great week. :)

 Poster that was made in memory of Dave Brown that later the whole Murray hockey team signed.

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Why I Want To Be a Nurse

Okay, I warned you. I'm addicted to My Sister's Keeper. Sometimes I wonder why I chose to go into nursing, and if that's really what I want to do. But then there are little things every now and then that remind you of exactly why you are doing what you are. This quote from the book is one of those reasons. If this doesn't make you want to be a nurse, then I don't know what does.

Quote by Sara (mother of Anna and Kate, who has AML)

"An oncology ward is a battlefield, and there are definate hierarchies of command. The patients, they're the ones doing the tour of duty. The doctors breeze in and out like conquering heros, but they need to read your child's chart to remember where they've left off from the previous visit. It is the nurses who are the seasoned sergeants-the ones who are there when your baby is shaking with such a high fever she needs to be bathed in ice, the ones who can teach you how to flush a central venous catheter, or suggest which patient floor kitchens might still have Popsicles left to be stolen, or tell you which dry cleaners know how to remove the stains of blood or chemotherapies from clothing. The nurses know the name of your daughter's stuffed walrus and show her how to make tissue paper flowers to twine around her IV stand. The doctors may be mapping out the war games, but it is the nurses who make the conflict bearable."

Wow, it doesn't get better than that.

All quotes from My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult

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My Sister's Keeper

I love books. I tend to like reading the less known books instead of the Harry Potter/Twilight fascinations, but I'll admit I've read those too. The ones I rant and rave about though are different. My new love is My Sister's Keeper. Most people have heard of it due to the movie made about it, but let me tell you..IT IS NOT THE SAME. The book is completely different and passes the movie in greatness by light years!! Everyone should read this book. There are some things in the book that I have to quote and put in here because I love it so much and the author has a REALLY great way of saying things. So, here are my obsessive parts of the book that I've read probably a million times.

Quote #1.. Said by Anna (Sister of the girl in the story who has Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia) Anna isn't sure what religion she is and where people come from or how they get here. This isn't the happiest quote on her opinion of how we got here but the author is amazing at describing this!! Also makes me so grateful to have the gospel in my life and to know the truth, especially in hard situaions like Anna is put in.

"If there was a religion of Annaism, and I had to tell you how humans made their way to Earth, it would go like this: in the begining, there was nothing at all but the moon and the sun. And the moon wanted to come out during the day, but there was something so much brighter that seemed to fill up all those hours. The moon grew hungry, thinner and thinner, until she was just a slice of herself, and her tips were as sharp as a knife. By accident, because that is the way most things happen, she poked a hole in the night and out spilled a million stars, like a fountain of tears.

Horrified, the moon tried to swallow them up. And sometimes this worked, because she got fatter and rounder. But mostly it didn't, because there were just so many. The stars kept coming, until they made the sky so bright that the sun got jealous. He invited the stars to his side of the world, where it was always bright. What he didn't tell them, though, was that in the daytime, they'd never be seen. So the stupid ones leaped from the sky to the ground, and the froze under the weight of their own foolishness.

The moon did her best. She carved each of these blocks of sorrow into a man or a woman. She spent the rest of her time holding on to whatever scraps she had left."

Quote #2 Also by Anna... Love that girl Anna!

"When you are a kid you have your own language, and unlike French or Spanish or whatever you start learning in fourth grade, this one you're born with, and eventually lose. Everyone under the age of seven is fluent in Ifspeak; go hang around with someone under three feet tall and you'll see. What if a giant funnelweb spider crawled out of a hole over your head and bit you on the neck? What if the only antidote for venom was locked up in a vault on the top of a mountain? What if you lived through the bite, but could only move your eyelids and blink out an alphabet? It doesn't really matter how far you go; the point is that it's a world of possibility. Kids think with their brains cracked wide open; becoming an adult, I've decided, is only a slow sewing shut."

:)

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I'm back!

Hm. Well it's been a long while since I've even glanced at this thing. I'm so back and forth on whether I want to take the time to do this blog or not. So don't be suprised if I take off for a while again, but I'll work on it. So, SO much has changed. I'm no longer living at home with my parents.. I live in a basement apartment with one other roommate. It's very different but in a good way. I'm being forced to learn to keep things clean and do the things that at home I hated doing the most, mostly because my roommate doesn't like doing them herself. Haha, it's okay, it's a good learning experience for me.

I am still writing my Elder Durrant of course. Things are different with that also, a lot more relaxed I guess than it was before. We have had our MAJOR ups and downs this whole run, but I believe it has helped me learn a lot about myself and has helped JD learn a lot also.  He has been gone for 14 months now, so he has 10 months left. He comes home on November 9, 2011. This year! Crazy. Time can fly, it is possible.I still love JD with all of my heart and that will never change. It's not easy having him gone, especially for so long.. I don't even remember what it is like being able to talk to him, what his voice really sounds like. But he is so happy out there on his mission and is doing what he know, and I know is the right thing for him right now and that is all I can ask for. I will see him soon enough.

As for another difference, I am dating now. Scary right? Ya. It can definately be scary. I have met some AMAZING people. People I can picture my life with in the future which is scary because I always imagined that I would just be with JD and no one else. I am trying.. trying to be careful of course. No matter what happens, I want to be here for JD when he comes home. That doesn't mean I don't think there are some really great other people out there that I could be happy with, there totally are. But I'm just going to take things one step at a time! No rush. No need. Love is a scary subject that I would prefer to go in super slow motion mode. That missionary will always be on my mind no matter what I do.

Well, this is me. It's been a while, my life has changed, and I have grown. I will try to post more here because this is a great outlet for my feelings, which are always a lot. There's always a lot on my mind. Love you all. :)

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