I was looking at a friend of mine's wedding pictures for the first time the other day. And I love her, yet her pictures made me hate her so much! Her wedding, her pictures, her dress, her ring, her gorgeous husband, her LIFE is just so perfect! How can that be fair at all? How can something so happy and beautiful make me hate her so much? Okay, I don't really hate her but I sure do wish sometimes I could switch lives with her.
I'm sick of my life and the trials that keep on coming. They never let up, I swear I'm bound to be like this forever! Some days, like today, I am a bit more optimistic about things and realize that no matter what trials I am going through, there is someone somewhere who is enduring much worse. But then there are days like yesterday where I just feel so down and there is nothing that can bring me out of it. Some days it feels like all hope for my happiness is lost. I look at my friends who fall in love and get married so easily and it just works and I feel like that will never be me. I'm not saying I won't get married or that things won't work out for me, but I don't understand why everything has to be a huge trial for me. It can't just work. Love, school, work, family, everything goes so wrong before it can go right.
I don't think anyone does or ever will understand everything I've been going through the last six months or so. I have changed so much because life has been thrown at me full speed whether I was ready for it or not. There's many things about these last six months that I would change if I could, yet I don't regret anything either. I've learned from everything I've been put through, big and small. And even though I can't say I'm really a great member of the LDS church, I don't do everything I'm supposed to, and I always struggle relying on the Lord when I know I need to the most, I don't know how I would be able to have a smile on my face every once in a while if I didn't have the knowledge and truth of the church.
How do you decide something that will change the rest of your life? How long does it take to decide something that huge? How long is too long to wait? How do you keep a positive attitude through it all? I wish someone, like a genie, would appear and tell me what I should do. It's not that I can't make a decision for myself, that I am fully capable of. It's that I've never had to make a decision that you can't take back, that will change the outcome of your entire life, and that may cause you extreme sorrow if you choose the wrong thing. It's not that I can't decide. It's that I'm scared to. It's that I don't want to make the wrong decision. It's that I think these things take time, when other people think it should not.
I have finals next week. And a lot of studying to do. And Christmas time is here. Excited, or not? I don't know. I love Christmas time. But this Christmas may be a little different than I was expecting. Everyone expects me to be there for Christmas, yet I don't know where I belong. I think this year, I will spend Christmas by myself. Koda can come too, my dog belongs with me always. Just me and her, Christmas all to ourselves. It's the only place we belong for now!
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