Lately, I've had many questions going through my head. Is marrying Cody the right decision for me? Where does JD play into my life? How do I go against my parent's wishes and marry someone they do not approve of? Then add of the stress of finishing up nursing school and being busy with clinicals and work. Let's say it's been a stressful time of my life.
I put a picture of the evil stepmother in Snow White on this post not because I'm saying my mother is the evil stepmother. I love my mother. But it seems to me that there is a lot of this "evil stepmother" stuff going on in the fairytales. Tell me I'm crazy because I compare my life to the Disney fairytales, I don't care. But I have a sense of what an unapproving "evil stepmother" would feel like in my own life in the form of my own parents.
Through the thick in thin, I'm in love with Cody. And I've always known I am. Everything feels right with Cody. We feel right together. We work hard together, as a team. We've been through so many good and bad times together. We both have families that have extremely different beliefs and because of that, we have come to a perfect middle ground that works well with each other. We have studied out the gospel together to see where it fits into both of our lives individually and together, and we've decided that we want to live our lives the way that I have been raised and the way Cody has had to work exceptionally hard for, that is as a part of the gospel and a member of the LDS Church. We strive to do the right thing together, and while we aren't perfect, we truly help each other become the kind of person we want and desire to be. Marriage is a scary thing for me, and adding on the lack of support from my own family makes it 100 times scarier. So it makes sense for me to take steps back and re-evaluate whether this is really the right thing for me. But regardless of the attitude my parents send me about my relationship with Cody, each time I've stepped back to really evaluate this, I've come back with the same answer. I love Cody. He loves me. We are right together. Our relationship isn't perfect, and neither would our marriage be. But we are both willing to put our necks out on the line for each other and work through any struggles or difficulties we might face because we love each other and we are good for each other. I may never say the right thing to my parents, I may never be able to explain to them how I feel and have them understand. But that is okay, because I know someday they will see the things I see in Cody and I and they will be just as happy for me as I am. I will finish nursing school, Cody will finish law school, we will have a family together, we will raise our family in the church, we will stick by each other's side through anything we are faced with, and we will be an eternal family, my family included.
So I title this post, How to Support the Unsupported. Basically, there are tons of people around the world that are in the same position I am in, people who fell in love and are experiencing the happiest time of their lives, but aren't receiving that same happiness and support from the people that means the most to them, their family. Through this course of time dealing with this situation (and a long continued course) I've learned a few things about dealing with family who doesn't agree with your decisions. I've found a few other people who are now married and had to deal with this same situation. This is the advice from these people and myself, for anyone else experience the lack of support for their decision to marry.
First, tell your family that you love this person and nothing will change that. This has been a particularly difficult step for me because it is hard being told that my feelings are a mistake and I'm wrong, so I avoid talking about it altogether. But it is important, and it's a step I continue to work on.
Second, tell your family that you love them. They need to know that your decisions aren't to spite them, but are decisions based off of your feelings and impressions. Although your family doesn't agree with your decisions, it doesn't change that you also still and always will love your family.
Third, stay calm. Getting angry and emotional causes remarks and jabs to come out that you don't want there. It will only cause a bigger problem for you when you are trying to explain the reasoning behind your decisions and being overly emotional about it can cause for more fuel behind the unapproving's fire.
Fourth, tell your family that you are an adult, that they raised you well and to think and find out answers for yourself, and that is what you are doing. Sometimes they just need to be reminded that you know your values you were taught and you are making your decisions based off of those values and the things your learn as an adult.
Fifth, realize the unapproving have the best intentions. Although at times it feels like it, I know my parents tell me their concerns because they love me and not because they are trying to hurt me. And I do not try to blow off their concerns, I have always tried to take them to heart. There may be reasons they have the concerns that they do. But sometimes it doesn't always mean the end of the road for that relationship. I've given them plenty of time to voice all of their concerns, to step back and evaluate many times how those concerns play into my decision and my feelings, and made a decision from there. Their concerns are always important to me, but it will not make my decision for me.
Sixth, patience, patience, patience. Maybe the family will come around with time, maybe they won't. But the only thing you can do is give it time, give it effort, and have patience.
Seventh, find supporters! It's so difficult to have everyone around you down on your decisions. When you have those that do support you, it changes the whole mood and feeling about what are deciding. For me, it's really brought out my true feelings to have some people tell me they support me. I've really realized that this is where I'm happiest, and long for that support all around.
Eighth, let the unsupporting know you decision has been made. There comes a time when it needs to be finalized. There comes a time when it's no longer a question and you have to say that you understand their concerns and you have thought them out as much as you can, but they have not changed your mind or your heart. They need to know that this is your decision and you have to take a firm stand and let them know that the time for them to voice their opinions has now finished.
Lastly, you must keep your significant other informed and involved. The only way I've been able to get through the hard times with my family was to keep Cody involved in all of my feelings and emotions about the topic. He has always been so respectful of my family and everyones feelings and most of the time he was just there to listen. But having him know everything that was going on has been what has saved us a brought us together.
I love my family very much. It's definitely very difficult not having their support in marrying Cody and has brought out many questions in my mind. But through it all, I know it's the right thing for me and I am excited and happy to be experiencing these happy times with Cody. I truly believe that someday, whether 1 year or 10 years down the road, my family will see the things I see in Cody and will be happy and excited to be involved. For now, all I can do is continue to pray and do everything I can to remind my family that I love them and want them to be a part of my life. They always will be, they are family, and I am only expanding that wonderful love we have as a family.
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