Fall Time!

A crappy picture of our beautiful hike.  Once I steal Cody's camera, I will have much better pictures to show off.

I love fall.  I.  Love.  Fall.  The colors are so beautiful and amazing!  It's funny that I've lived in Utah my whole life and still every time fall comes around I'm amazed at how colorful our mountains turn every fall.  I had an amazing week this week and I got to spend a lot of much needed time with Cody.  I told him earlier in the week that I would like to go up the canyon soon to see the colors and we ended up going to Silver Lake on Saturday and spent time walking around the lake and taking pictures of the beautiful scenery.  We also had a lot of fun helping out Missy Larsen who is running for Salt Lake City county council.  Cody is taking a campaign management class or something like that and he has to help someone with the upcoming elections and he chose her.  I like to go help out because I just want to spend the time with Cody.  We've really enjoyed walking the neighborhoods together because it gives us a lot of time to just talk about life and pick apart what we like and don't like about all of the houses we see.  

This week however, the candidates for election were having a big get together, so we went and helped Missy set up a tent so she could talk to people about why they should vote for her.  Well, turns out we set up our tent right next to this crazy guy who was running for President.  Yep.  President of the United States.  I'd never heard of him, and I still don't remember his name now.  No one knew who he was.  He was crazy!  Running for President of the United States?  Haha.  Cody wasn't as intrigued with him as I was.  This guy had to have something wrong going on up in his head because he was totally serious and was seriously trying to get people to vote for him to become the President.  Oh dear.

This week was also JD's birthday.  I spent time with him and his friend's on his birthday to help celebrate and I had a lot of fun.  It's still not easy.  I don't think it will ever be easy.  But the thing is, regardless of whether JD and I are dating or not, he is one of my very best friends.  We started out as friends.  So it's not difficult to still be friends.  Are feelings always going to be there between us?  Yes.  But those feelings aren't strong enough for me to overcome the feelings I have for Cody.  It's hard and many people don't understand.  This situation has been so tough and I know it's hurt a lot of people in the process, especially me.  But I truly feel I'm doing the right thing.  And sometimes the right thing doesn't necessarily mean it's easy.  The thing about my situation is, no matter what the outcome, it's always painful.  It's especially hard to choose the option that leaves your family not happy with you, telling you you are doing the wrong thing.  It's especially hard when the guy you don't choose to be with is still an amazing, wonderful, beautiful guy in every way.  And it's especially hard when there are a lot of times you feel alone in your decision with no one to talk to.  JD is so great in every way, and he and I have a history that I will never forget.  But I'm ready for this new chapter in my life, even if it means the road getting there will be tough. 

 I wish more than anything I could sit on the couch at night and talk to my mother about how amazing my date was with the man I love, or how we went ring shopping and I love the ring I found, or how sweet he was for surprising me at work with flowers and a note that had all of the other nurses talking about what a wonderful guy I have.  I want to come home and tell her how happy I am and how I want to plan a wedding with her every step of the way.  I want her to go dress shopping with me and pick flowers and colors and decorations.  But, I don't get to do those things.  I don't get to share those things with anyone, really.  My mom isn't sure she wants to be involved at all.  And that's the hardest thing in the world to hear.  I'm her only daughter, and I've always dreamed of the perfect wedding.  But I'm learning more and more as I grow up that perfect doesn't exist as a whole, only in small forms.  And I guess having a perfect wedding where my mother is there every step of the way isn't a part of the perfect piece of my life.  I love my momma.  She loves me very much.  We will come through this.  Maybe not in time for a wedding or engagement or even getting to know the person I love.  But maybe some day.  My mom's not a bad person.  My mom means well in every way.  My mom is a major worry wart, and for good reason at times too.  But she doesn't always need to worry as much as she does.  But as much as it hurts to not have my mom be there and excited for the love I've found in my life, I would rather have my over protective, over worrying, and over sensitive mother than a mother who doesn't care.  My mother cares.  She always will. 

A few weeks ago, it rained really hard and I forced my mom to come out and play in the rain with me.  :)

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How to Support the Unsupported

Lately, I've had many questions going through my head.  Is marrying Cody the right decision for me?  Where does JD play into my life?  How do I go against my parent's wishes and marry someone they do not approve of?  Then add of the stress of finishing up nursing school and being busy with clinicals and work.  Let's say it's been a stressful time of my life.

I put a picture of the evil stepmother in Snow White on this post not because I'm saying my mother is the evil stepmother.  I love my mother.  But it seems to me that there is a lot of this "evil stepmother" stuff going on in the fairytales.  Tell me I'm crazy because I compare my life to the Disney fairytales, I don't care.  But I have a sense of what an unapproving "evil stepmother" would feel like in my own life in the form of my own parents.

Through the thick in thin, I'm in love with Cody.  And I've always known I am.  Everything feels right with Cody.  We feel right together.  We work hard together, as a team.  We've been through so many good and bad times together.  We both have families that have extremely different beliefs and because of that, we have come to a perfect middle ground that works well with each other.  We have studied out the gospel together to see where it fits into both of our lives individually and together, and we've decided that we want to live our lives the way that I have been raised and the way Cody has had to work exceptionally hard for, that is as a part of the gospel and a member of the LDS Church.  We strive to do the right thing together, and while we aren't perfect, we truly help each other become the kind of person we want and desire to be.  Marriage is a scary thing for me, and adding on the lack of support from my own family makes it 100 times scarier.  So it makes sense for me to take steps back and re-evaluate whether this is really the right thing for me.  But regardless of the attitude my parents send me about my relationship with Cody, each time I've stepped back to really evaluate this, I've come back with the same answer.  I love Cody.  He loves me.  We are right together.  Our relationship isn't perfect, and neither would our marriage be.  But we are both willing to put our necks out on the line for each other and work through any struggles or difficulties we might face because we love each other and we are good for each other.  I may never say the right thing to my parents, I may never be able to explain to them how I feel and have them understand.  But that is okay, because I know someday they will see the things I see in Cody and I and they will be just as happy for me as I am.  I will finish nursing school, Cody will finish law school, we will have a family together, we will raise our family in the church, we will stick by each other's side through anything we are faced with, and we will be an eternal family, my family included.

So I title this post, How to Support the Unsupported.  Basically, there are tons of people around the world that are in the same position I am in, people who fell in love and are experiencing the happiest time of their lives, but aren't receiving that same happiness and support from the people that means the most to them, their family.  Through this course of time dealing with this situation (and a long continued course) I've learned a few things about dealing with family who doesn't agree with your decisions.  I've found a few other people who are now married and had to deal with this same situation.  This is the advice from these people and myself, for anyone else experience the lack of support for their decision to marry.

First, tell your family that you love this person and nothing will change that.  This has been a particularly difficult step for me because it is hard being told that my feelings are a mistake and I'm wrong, so I avoid talking about it altogether.  But it is important, and it's a step I continue to work on.

Second, tell your family that you love them.  They need to know that your decisions aren't to spite them, but are decisions based off of your feelings and impressions.  Although your family doesn't agree with your decisions, it doesn't change that you also still and always will love your family.

Third, stay calm.  Getting angry and emotional causes remarks and jabs to come out that you don't want there.  It will only cause a bigger problem for you when you are trying to explain the reasoning behind your decisions and being overly emotional about it can cause for more fuel behind the unapproving's fire.

Fourth, tell your family that you are an adult, that they raised you well and to think and find out answers for yourself, and that is what you are doing.  Sometimes they just need to be reminded that you know your values you were taught and you are making your decisions based off of those values and the things your learn as an adult.

Fifth, realize the unapproving have the best intentions.  Although at times it feels like it, I know my parents tell me their concerns because they love me and not because they are trying to hurt me.  And I do not try to blow off their concerns, I have always tried to take them to heart.  There may be reasons they have the concerns that they do.  But sometimes it doesn't always mean the end of the road for that relationship.  I've given them plenty of time to voice all of their concerns, to step back and evaluate many times how those concerns play into my decision and my feelings, and made a decision from there.  Their concerns are always important to me, but it will not make my decision for me.

Sixth, patience, patience, patience.  Maybe the family will come around with time, maybe they won't.  But the only thing you can do is give it time, give it effort, and have patience.  

Seventh, find supporters!  It's so difficult to have everyone around you down on your decisions.  When you have those that do support you, it changes the whole mood and feeling about what are deciding.  For me, it's really brought out my true feelings to have some people tell me they support me.  I've really realized that this is where I'm happiest, and long for that support all around.

Eighth, let the unsupporting know you decision has been made.  There comes a time when it needs to be finalized.  There comes a time when it's no longer a question and you have to say that you understand their concerns and you have thought them out as much as you can, but they have not changed your mind or your heart.  They need to know that this is your decision and you have to take a firm stand and let them know that the time for them to voice their opinions has now finished.

Lastly, you must keep your significant other informed and involved.  The only way I've been able to get through the hard times with my family was to keep Cody involved in all of my feelings and emotions about the topic.  He has always been so respectful of my family and everyones feelings and most of the time he was just there to listen.  But having him know everything that was going on has been what has saved us a brought us together.

I love my family very much.  It's definitely very difficult not having their support in marrying Cody and has brought out many questions in my mind.  But through it all, I know it's the right thing for me and I am excited and happy to be experiencing these happy times with Cody.  I truly believe that someday, whether 1 year or 10 years down the road, my family will see the things I see in Cody and will be happy and excited to be involved.  For now, all I can do is continue to pray and do everything I can to remind my family that I love them and want them to be a part of my life.  They always will be, they are family, and I am only expanding that wonderful love we have as a family.

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To Marry or Not To Marry

Marriage.  Such a scary topic.  Why is this such a scary topic?  Apparently everyone gives you this wonderful idea growing up that getting married was going to be so beautiful and happy and just peachy.  Well, no one told me that it was going to be as painful of a process as it has been. 

I'm getting married.

I'm pretty sure I'm getting married.

Yep.

I am getting married.

You know those super predictable, really cheesy, ridiculous chick flicks where the girl is getting married to the man of her dreams.  She is extremely happy and thinks everything is just perfect.  Then right before the actual marriage part happens, the girl has the guy that has grown up with her, her best friend in the world, the kid next door, come to her and tell her she is making a mistake and that he is in love with her.  He says, "Marry me, not him."

Ya.  Apparently that happens in real life too.  And it's about the worst thing in the world.  If I remember correct, it's about 50/50 where either the girl talks with the best friend and says she loves the other man and is doing the right thing and marries him, or she leaves the man and ends up marrying the best friend.  That whole fact doesn't help my cause either.

It's funny, I've spent a lot of my time writing about Cody and JD.  And many of my blog posts have about 20, 30, 50...sometimes 70 views.  Except the ones in detail about Cody and JD.  For example the one with like 3,219 views.  People love that kind of crap.  And not one of those three thousand people can give me any idea of what they would do?  Come on.  Life is SO unfair.

JD.  We dated 2 years, knew each other our whole lives.  Had everything as close to a perfect relationship as you can get.  Head over heels falling more in love everyday.  Then, he leaves to serve a mission.  But to me, it feels like he died.  He was gone, gone from my life, gone from everything.  I couldn't see him, talk to him, hear him, have anything to do with him.  For two years.  No one will understand how hard that is.  How painful every single moment of every day was.  How big of a heart break I had to mend.  Each day was excruciatingly painful.  Then, he comes home.  Things are alright kinda good for a few months.  Things for him feel the same, but for me...I had mended a broken heart and was now trying to reopen that back up.  It was difficult.  I didn't know what to do.  Each day was a day spent in my room crying, asking for help.  I question our relationship and wonder if it really is the same or has the potential to be the same as it was 2 years ago.  I tell him JD I need some time to figure it out and figure out what my feelings for him still were.  And he disappears again.  And the heartbreak I feel resembles and magnifies the heartbreak I felt before.  Except this time, he was choosing to be away.  I move on, mend another heart break by fully allowing someone else into my heart.  I eventually go to JD to finally announce I am going to be getting married.  And a switch flips.  JD says all of the things I wanted to hear from him when he came home.  He does all of the things and shows all of care he should have from the start.  He tells me I am making the wrong choice, that he will do everything in his power for me to see that I need to be with him.  That he loves me and has always loved me and made a mistake by not showing it the whole time.  He finally comes back, finally the way he was before.  The man I was so deeply in love with was finally here before me.  Now?  Now.  When it's dannnggg near too late.

Cody.  I meet this really fun, cute guy 8 months before JD comes home from his mission.  It's all casual at first, all fun and games.  He knows about JD.  He sees pictures of JD everywhere.  But he's cool and calm and confident.  Things progress, my feelings grow.  But I'm cautious... still keeping everything that has to do with JD around.  Things progress still.  Cody meets the family.  The family is so hard on him because, well, he's not JD.  Still Cody stays calm and confident.  Things progress still.  Things are so wonderful.  But still I keep everything that has to do with JD around.  JD comes home.  I dump Cody on his butt faster than a bullet.  I choose JD.  And regret it sorely.  I'm deeply heartbroken and extremely depressed, even when I'm with JD.   I go back to talk to Cody and he's worse off than I am.  Cody does everything he can to spend a few more seconds with me, including making me drive around with him looking for something that didn't exist to stall for time.  We say, let's try friends.  Things progress still while JD is still in the picture.  The friend idea with Cody doesn't work.  Cody is there for me for everything.  Good days, bad days, emotional days, heartbroken days, happy days, hopeless days, wonderful days, everyday.  Cody endures endless scrutinizing by a never approving biased family.  Cody endures everything that has to do with JD, including now dates and personal time with him.  Still things progress.  Things get tough with JD he disappears and I finally give Cody the commitment he has been patiently waiting for.   Things progress.  Months and months go by.  Things progress a lot.  We fall in love, to the point that I am finally happy again.  I am looking forward to the future instead of being scared.  I trust Cody with my heart and know he will take care of it.  Things progress to the highest of highs.  We talk wedding.  We plan engagement.  We plan everything.  We are weeks away from the happiest time of our lives.  And then JD reappears.  I struggle.  I am once again in pain.  I am afraid of what Cody will think to hear I am struggling all over again.  I tell Cody my difficult feelings, and Cody again is cool, calm, and confident.  He is there to comfort me as I am telling him I have difficult feelings.  He is there to reassure me that everything will be okay and that he loves me more than anything in this world and always will.  Do things still progress this time?

Life is so, so cruel.  Life is so, so unfair.  Life is so, so hard.

I'm so sick of being confused.  I'm so sick of crying.  I'm so sick of having broken hearts.  I'm so sick of searching for my happy ending.  Freaking, let it happen already.  Give me a break already.  Can just like, one thing ever go smoothly for me?  Just one.  That's all I ask.

Please, give me an answer.  Tell me what to do.

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