Terrible Habits

I have developed over the last month or so, a ridiculously terrible sleeping habit.  As you can tell as I post this at 2:30 AM.  For some dumb reason, I just cannot sleep at night.  Not one bit, I literally stay up all dang night long.  Which in turn, means I sleep until the day is over.  Usually around 11 AM is when I finally roll out of bed.  I think it's safe to say that I'm not so much a morning person, it takes me a bit to get going.  However, in the slight chance that I do get up early, once I'm up and going I love it!  I hate this sleeping pattern I've gotten myself into and I am determined to get out of it.  I think I'm going to force myself to get out of bed at 8:30 AM by setting my alarm clock and then putting it outside my bedroom door, that way I am forced to get up and out of bed to turn it's ridiculously annoying sound off.  Yep.  It's a done deal.

This week has been a bit of a rough one for me.  Ha, well I'd say a good majority of my weeks are rough, but this week has been exceptionally rough.  I don't want to get into any of the drama that unfolded because most of it I've dealt with now, but it's like it was an every day hit this week.  Hopefully this weekend will be a different story.  My little brother seems to have run into the same kind of patch I am in.  He had this cute little girlfriend for a little while, and something happened and they broke up.  However, they keep talking to each other and I know my brother is a bit torn up about the whole thing.  I feel really bad because I remember what it was like to have that first person you think you love.. it's probably the hardest to get over.  High school can be so tough, and I hate to see him go through a tough time because of the crazy drama that goes on during high school.  I wish there was some way I could protect him, or warn him, or help him.  He's not one to talk to me about his drama- especially love life drama.  But I know.  I know when he is having a really hard day, usually what it is about.  That's just how me and my brother are.. I know him a lot better than I think he knows.  If only he would just include me in his life more, I know I could help him through some rough spots... and I'm sure even though he is only 15, he could help me through some of mine.  I love that kid.

Well friends, it's about time for me to start my late night of sleep, but I figured I would leave you all with one happy little twinge.  I hope everyone else's week has been going better than mine! But I have faith that things for this week are going to turn up, I've got a couple of good looking days ahead of me.  :)  As for my happy note, I though I would venture out and post my first video on the blog tonight! And who better than the star of my life, my cute little (well, technically really big) doggie face, Koda.  In this video, she is on the end of my bed.  I have a memory foam mattress and she has just discovered the joys of the memory foam.  For a while she would jump and press her paws in the foam, then move back and watch because she noticed that the bed would move after she had stepped on it.  Well, after watching for a little while and not being able to figure out why it was moving after she stepped on it, she got frustrated and started digging at it... so naturally, my first reaction is to start recording.  Enjoy! :)

Please note, that every time Koda gets on my bed now she spends time jumping at and digging at the moving memory foam.  Wonderful.

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What is Love?

The answer to this question can be very different depending on who exactly is answering the question.  Is there one right answer?  To me, love is complicated.  It always has been.  But maybe that's what makes it so great, maybe that terrible fight that always has to be put up is what makes love so worth fighting for, because when you have finally won that battle, there is nothing greater.  I've been in love in my life 3 times up until this point.  Part of me wondered at times if I really was in love all 3 of those times, but I know I was.  Why?  Because love has different degrees and each time I've fallen for someone, it's a much deeper degree than before.  However, the deeper the degree of love, the harder the fight has been to get there.  

What is in store for me next?  I've been in love 3 times, and that is not the end.  From this point on, hopefully #4 will be the one I fall for to the deepest degree possible.  But I know that that also means it will probably be the hardest battle of all of them to get there.  But every single time, it's been far worth it.  The joys have exceeded any pain by miles, and with all the pain and hurt it's taken already, I can already tell the joys are going to be exceeding.  

Falling in love is a process.  It's not a one or two day step.  And it's not a one time thing.  You can love that same person forever, but fall in love with them more than one time.  Some day when I get married, I want to fall in love with that person many times over.  Day in and day out a new battle could come our way, but because of it we will fall in love deeper and deeper.  

So what does it mean to be in love?  There's a lot more to love than you can put down in words.  But for me, and hopefully for the rest of my life, this is the kind of love I want.  These are a few of the attributes I will look for in love. 

• Complete honesty in everything, even when it's not easy.
• Complete trust, which goes along with honesty.  One is not without the other.
• That driving physical attraction, the kind that keeps you constantly touching him, whether it's holding hands, or just a hand on the back.  The kind of physical attraction that nothing can come between the two of you and you will never be seen without the other.
• Constant desire to be together.  The kind of love where everyday is spent together, you don't even have to think about it because it's just automatic.
• The element of surprise.  I want him to show up somewhere to surprise me, and even more important, I want to be thrilled to death that it's one more minute in that day that I get to spend in his presence.
• I want to be silly! I want to laugh at all the dumb things, I want to make jokes that no one else will get but us.  I want to go to a completely boring meeting and be laughing the whole way through it because of him.  I want to go out into the middle of the street and make complete fools of ourselves and feel like we will completely regret it, but know that it's something that we will always talk and laugh about.  I want to laugh, every single day.
• I want to be serious.  I know that contradicts the last one, but I want to be with someone that when I need do something completely serious and not a joking matter at all, I can count on him to help.  When times are hard and I need someone to be the strong one, he can take the weight on his shoulders.
• I need a best friend.  Someone I can tell all my stories to, whether they really truly want to hear them or not.  But someone that will not just listen, but engage in my stories.  Who will ask about them on their own free will, and will want to know the outcomes of things that happen. 
• I want a manly man.  I don't mean necessarily big or tall.  I mean, someone who isn't afraid to stand up for me.  Someone who enjoys all the dude kind of things.  Someone who can take charge, a little bit bossy.  Yes, I am quite the bossy person.  But to have someone I can also count on getting the job done, someone who when I am not motivated or feel up to getting things done, will take care of everything.  Someone with an opinion and is stubborn about it.  It may come as a surprise to some people, but I don't always like being the person in charge.  Sometimes it's nice to sit back and just go with the flow, not worry about details.  I need a man who is capable of being the boss sometimes too.
• Experience.  I obviously need someone who I have experienced hardship with.  I need to know that when a huge trial is thrown our way, we are capable of working through it together.  
• Passion.  I want to feel passionate about the person I am in love with.  There's not a whole lot you can say about this, but you can feel it when the passion is there with every single kiss.
• Unconditional love.  I want to love and be loved so deeply that no matter what happens, even if the worst of the worst was to happen, your love is so deep that you would do anything for that person.  Anything to be with that person.  Not that I think that no matter what would happen, two people would have to stay together... there are certain circumstances that it would be appropriate to part ways.  However, even in circumstances like that, love that is so deep and so strong, that even in times like that, it's all you can do to stay together.  Every possible path is looked at at overcoming anything, even the worst of the worst.
• I want to plan the future without really planning the future with the person I love.  I want to go around and let things slip like, "WHEN we get married" or "that would be cute for OUR kids" or "I really want this for OUR apartment".  Things that solidify the future without consciously thinking about it.  
• Most importantly of all, I want to be happy with each other.  I want to look forward to every single day waking up and seeing that person.  I want to have a smile on my face every time I see him all because I feel so lucky to get to be with him.  I want to brag about him when I am asked about the person I'm dating or married to.  I want to be so excited to get off work and get to spend time with him.  I want to be involved in his life and family, and him to be involved in my life and family also.  I want to feel like things are just right, and they just fit.  I want to wake up one day and say, "This is it.  This is what it is supposed to feel like.  This just feels right, and this is something I am never going to let go." 

Love is so hard.  Love is so painful.  Love is such a struggle.  I've loved before and I love now.  However, I know that I still have some things to work out before I get to that point where I get to wake up and say this is it.  That list up there is just some of the things I want for my future, for my love.  I know getting to the point where I am completely content and happy with my life has been and will continue to be a struggle.  But I know that some day when it's all said and done, someday when I wake up next to my husband and realize I have the biggest smile on my face just because he is next to me, I know a day like that is what is going to make the entire difficult journey of getting there worth it.

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