I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz

I was getting ready today listening to wonderful Pandora, and this song came on. And there is so much I could go on to say about this song.  But I'm just going to leave it at, oh my heck it's SOO true.

When I look into your eyes, it's like watching the night sky or a beautiful sunrise.

There's so much they hold. 

And just like them old stars, I see that you've come so far to be right where you are.

How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough.

I'm giving you all my love.

I'm still looking up.

And when your needing your space to do some navigating,

I'll be here patiently waiting to see what you find...

Cause even the stars, they burn.

Some even fall to the earth.

We've got a lot to learn, God knows we're worth it.

No, I won't give up.

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily.

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make.

Our differences, they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we've got, yeah we've got a lot at stake.

And in the end, you're still my friend, at least we did intent for us to work.

We didn't break, we didn't burn, we had to learn how to bend without the world caving in.

I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not.

And who I am.

I won't give up on us even if the skies get rough.

I'm giving you all my love.

I'm still looking up.

I won't give up on us, no I'm not giving up.

God knows I'm tough enough, I am tough, I am loved.

We've got a lot to learn, we're alive, we are loved.

God knows we're worth it, and we're worth it.

I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough.

I'm giving you all my love.

I'm still looking up.

(If you are my friend, I require you to watch this music video and listen to Jason Mraz sing this as wonderfully as he does. )

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Love Comes Once in a Lifetime

It's really not fair, all those fairy tales society provides to small children as they grow up.  I know I have posted about this before, but seriously.  Why do we feed little children with these huge expectations of love when they usually aren't true? Love is so much harder than portrayed.  It's not fair and does not provide proper preparation for the difficult road love truly is.  

When you fall in love, when you truly find that one person you can't live without, what would you really do for them?  Like the fairy tales say, would you give up friends and family you love?  How about run away to the ends of the earth with them?  Would you allow someone of a different background to become part of your life?  Or fight the terrible dragons of life to rescue them?  Would you protect them from any harm of any form?  Is there anything you wouldn't do for the one you deeply love?

Now the tables turn.  How do you believe everything someone tells you?  Does pure love always have perfect trust?  When actions don't match words, which one do you listen to?  The wonderful words that you long to hear, or the actions that contradict everything said.  People say actions speak louder than words.  How true is that really? Maybe none of the things you were once told and promised for so long, never really were true at all... 

If I can, I would like to give the guys out there some advice.  When that one person who pulls your heart strings stronger than anyone ever could, who you know you don't want to nor could you ever live without... it's not something that comes around often.  Don't let it slip away.  What does that mean?  Do everything.  Do something to stand out.  Something that reminds her you are the most important thing in her life, on a daily basis.  I firmly believe in the old fashion values that a man's job is to woo and win a woman's affections.  So if someone does not agree with these statements, I mean to offend no one.  But as for me, letting that person who means everything to you know that you will not and refuse to live without them could change the rest of your life.

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Is a Dream Really a Wish Your Heart Makes?

Cinderella sings, "A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep." How true is that really? What about the bad dreams? A heart couldn't possibly wish for bad things to occur. Right? I'm being haunted in my dreams. I'd like to call it a small form of PTSD, or for the non medical people out there, post traumatic stress disorder. See, an instance happened to me a few months back. Not a very big instance, to some you would call it a small bump in the road. But an instance that caused some heart ache none the less. Periodically since that instance, I've had a reoccurring dream haunt after me. It's not a good dream at all. And I wake up feeling betrayed and hurt. Each time I have this dream, it's a little bit different. A different situation, different story line, but the same underlying concept. Some are extreme cases, other are small- like the case that actually happened to me in my awake life. But it effects the way I start my day, my thinking between reality and dream land is impaired and line between the two is faded. What really doesn't make sense is that real life is near perfect now. Other than certain things out of anyone's control, nothing could be better. So to have these nightmares is unfair and definitely unwelcomed. What can I do from here to stop my small form of PTSD in my sleep. I don't want to dread sleep anymore, life is great! I know that these dreams would never come true, so why are they constantly coming back to haunt me? A nurse I was with for clinicals told me all about dream catchers. They were created obviously to catch your bad dreams. It is made into a web with beads tied into the web all around. Those beads are little permanent safes for bad dreams. Once they go in, they never come out. The strings and feathers hanging down from the dream catcher is where the good dreams are filtered through and drip down from the catcher and into your head, which is also the reason you hang the dream catcher at the head of your bed. Do I believe in rituals and legends, and dream catchers for that matter? I don't know. But I do believe in psychological reassurance and I know the impact that has. I don't know where these haunting dreams come from, but I don't intend on letting them stay. A painful experience can be held in the heart for a long time, but sometimes it's just a small boost of faith that is needed to move on and continue forward. And that is what I intend on doing.

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I Said Leave...

Isn't it true though? Isn't this always true?  My cute friend made this picture from a Taylor Swift song and I'm just realizing more and more how real this dumb little lyric line is in my life.  

Two boys.  Two wonderful, amazing, perfect men that I fell so in love with.  Not an ideal situation and I've had so many people tell me it's impossible.  But they are wrong.  Think what you will, but they are wrong.  

I've had experiences with this lyric line with both boys now.  Both boys and it has been such a different experience for both.  What do I do now?  What do I do when the outcome is completely opposite from what I expected?  From what everyone expected?  How can it really be this hard and painful?

Everyone wants that person who will go to the ends of the earth for them.  Who will fight through any battle and be the prince charming who rescues them.  I think every girl needs this experience, it's what really makes the princess fall in love, right?

One boy fights, one boy falls.  One boy does anything he can to be there, to be the person I turn to.  The other backs away and finds other priorities.  One falls in love deeper and stronger with every minute away and the other falls farther and more distant with each passing second.  But what do I do when everyone else around me tells me the one who has fought is the wrong one? 

Everyone thinks they know so well.  Everyone thinks they know the right thing.  Everyone tells me, do this/do that/go here/say that.  Has anyone stopped to think that maybe they are wrong?  

Maybe it's okay to move on.  Maybe moving on and taking a risk is what will bring such greatness.  Maybe all those what if's will disappear and turn into I was so right. 

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Where Can I Turn For Peace?

Where can I turn for peace?

Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole?

When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, I draw myself apart, searching my soul?

Where when my aching grows, where, when I languish, where, in my need to know, where can I run?

Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?

Who, who can understand?

He, only One.

He answers privately, reaches my reaching in my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.

Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.

Constant he is and kind, love without end.

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Life's Callings

I feel like I have had just an extremely ungrateful attitude about me lately and I need an opportunity to be humbled. When I get emotional or extremely passionate about something, I write. I have about a billion zillion different journals that have a full rainbow of emotions written inside. But it feels lately that I only write during the hard times and I don't want it to be like that. I have my trials and I learn to handle them as every day passes, but to me, regardless of what else is going on around me, my trials feel like the most important and most difficult thing going on in the world. But the reality of it is, it's not even the smallest fraction of what others are going through.

I had an interesting talk the other day with the most amazing guy in the world. He was in a lot of pain due to some health problems, it was crippling to watch him lay there in agony. But through it, he told me how at that moment in time, he had a much bigger understanding and appreciation for the pain and suffering Jesus went through for all of us. He said while at that moment, the pain he was feeling was the worst pain he's experienced in his lifetime, he knew that meant the our Savior felt that same pain for him. On top of the huge amounts of pain he suffered for everyone else too. He then asked me if I was the only one in the entire history of human kind to have ever sinned, do I think that Jesus would have suffered and died for me? If I was the only one to ever to sin, would the Savior have bled for me? Yes. He would have. He didn't suffer for the human race as a whole. He suffered for each individual person. He knows each individuals pains and sorrows and he felt that with us. He knew and knows my name and knows every trial I go through that I feel is the worst and most painful trail in the world, and he felt the same way for me. He felt it for everyone.

That being said, I am grateful for so many things I never give real credit to enough. Like the opportunities I am getting through nursing school for one. The things I learn, the patients I take care of, and the experiences of being there to improve another person's life in the little and big ways has completely shifted the way I look at the healthcare system and my future as a healthcare provider. I could not have picked a better calling in life. While there may be many other people around who go into nursing, I can whole heartedly say that this is where I belong. While I could go on for days about other things I'm extremely grateful for, just know that today especially, I appreciate everything, big and small, that I have in my life. I was dealt a far better hand in life than many people and I can never be grateful enough for it all.

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Terrible Habits

I have developed over the last month or so, a ridiculously terrible sleeping habit.  As you can tell as I post this at 2:30 AM.  For some dumb reason, I just cannot sleep at night.  Not one bit, I literally stay up all dang night long.  Which in turn, means I sleep until the day is over.  Usually around 11 AM is when I finally roll out of bed.  I think it's safe to say that I'm not so much a morning person, it takes me a bit to get going.  However, in the slight chance that I do get up early, once I'm up and going I love it!  I hate this sleeping pattern I've gotten myself into and I am determined to get out of it.  I think I'm going to force myself to get out of bed at 8:30 AM by setting my alarm clock and then putting it outside my bedroom door, that way I am forced to get up and out of bed to turn it's ridiculously annoying sound off.  Yep.  It's a done deal.

This week has been a bit of a rough one for me.  Ha, well I'd say a good majority of my weeks are rough, but this week has been exceptionally rough.  I don't want to get into any of the drama that unfolded because most of it I've dealt with now, but it's like it was an every day hit this week.  Hopefully this weekend will be a different story.  My little brother seems to have run into the same kind of patch I am in.  He had this cute little girlfriend for a little while, and something happened and they broke up.  However, they keep talking to each other and I know my brother is a bit torn up about the whole thing.  I feel really bad because I remember what it was like to have that first person you think you love.. it's probably the hardest to get over.  High school can be so tough, and I hate to see him go through a tough time because of the crazy drama that goes on during high school.  I wish there was some way I could protect him, or warn him, or help him.  He's not one to talk to me about his drama- especially love life drama.  But I know.  I know when he is having a really hard day, usually what it is about.  That's just how me and my brother are.. I know him a lot better than I think he knows.  If only he would just include me in his life more, I know I could help him through some rough spots... and I'm sure even though he is only 15, he could help me through some of mine.  I love that kid.

Well friends, it's about time for me to start my late night of sleep, but I figured I would leave you all with one happy little twinge.  I hope everyone else's week has been going better than mine! But I have faith that things for this week are going to turn up, I've got a couple of good looking days ahead of me.  :)  As for my happy note, I though I would venture out and post my first video on the blog tonight! And who better than the star of my life, my cute little (well, technically really big) doggie face, Koda.  In this video, she is on the end of my bed.  I have a memory foam mattress and she has just discovered the joys of the memory foam.  For a while she would jump and press her paws in the foam, then move back and watch because she noticed that the bed would move after she had stepped on it.  Well, after watching for a little while and not being able to figure out why it was moving after she stepped on it, she got frustrated and started digging at it... so naturally, my first reaction is to start recording.  Enjoy! :)

Please note, that every time Koda gets on my bed now she spends time jumping at and digging at the moving memory foam.  Wonderful.

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